Monday, August 29, 2011
"I didn't mean for THAT to happen," he thought over coffee and Coronation Street one morning and promptly called on his friend Mr. Google for help. Mr. Google promptly made numerous suggestions, including:
1) How to spice up your sex life (skimpy undies and making out in a hot tub in Iceland were not really what he meant) although he noted for future reference that there are a lot of sex experts out there. And a few weirdos.
2) How to spice up your life by using certain personal feminine hygiene products. "Oh my," he thought and hit the back button...
3) How to spice up your marriage. Let's just say he did not want to change his lipstick shade. He did not want to give his husband (if he had one) a hug for no reason. And painting his toenails a wild colour...? Ah, no.
4) How to spice up your online life. He found he already did most of the things they list there. And he just didn't think he was ready to subscribe to RSS feeds or optimize his search engine. He thought he'd reached the age that either of those would hurt his brain.
5) How to spice up your home. Adding throw curtains, sponge painting a wall or putting fake plants in his old budgie cage? "Gosh, where have I been that I didn't think of that?" he sighed.
6) How to spice up your cooking results took his request for spice a little too literally. He really didn't really care if adding lemon and orange peel to muffins and scones will give them a zesty flavor. He already knew that oregano, basil, rosemary, and garlic are great additions for tomato sauce. And brew roasted chicory root as a coffee substitute? Pure blasphemy.
He thanked Mr. Google and hung up. David Platt was up to his antics again. He'd run over his friend Jason Grimshaw after he'd begun dating ex-girlfriend Tina but he thinks he must have blacked out because he couldn't remember hitting him. Is it epilepsy?... While awaiting his trial he goes to live with Audrey, his grandmother the hairdresser because he's forbidden to come in contact with Jason, who is now out of the hospital and hobbling around on crutches...
Seymour glanced over at his spice jar. It didn't seem so empty.
Posted by Rand MacIvor at 7:31 AM