"Aah, whaddya gonna do?"

We've heard a lot about James Gandolfini recently; since his passing. Everyone seemed to have thoughts. And I understand that because while I didn't know James at all, Tony Soprano spent many hours in my living room. We were close.

I wasn't invited to the funeral Thursday. I'm sure it was an oversight. I understand. No disrespect intended. Things get crazy when someone dies, especially in a foreign country. What with the arrangements and all.

But I heard about it. News gets around. I read David Chases' eulogy. Nice one. And I read a piece that Rob Sheffield wrote in Rolling Stone earlier in the week. And then in Hollywood Reporter his dialogue coach Susan Aston said "one has to remain vulnerable, and to be willing to be seen as human" to be a great actor. She might as well said "artist" there. I'm sure she meant artist.

He sure made that show as Tony Soprano, didn't he? Six seasons. Sheesh. James Gandolfini made Tony Soprano come alive. And while James may have died of a heart attack while on holiday in Rome, I like to think that Tony got wacked in "the old country." (Heart attack, shmart attack. They got ways of making it look natural.) Just tidying up a bit of old family business.

It's the way Tony woulda wanted to go out.

Whaddya gonna do?

How Not To Get Tired Of Your Brand ID

Seeing as how I don't do posts about other people's creative work and since some folks continue against all logic to see me as one of those weirdos, I figured I'd better take a stab at a post that takes a look at some concept exploration, rather than just prattle on about life and stuff.

So gird your loins. Here it comes.

Let me preface this by explaining that Rand Brand Consultants is a fictional personal project. It's an exercise in development of a new brand name and identity. Projects like this generally happen whenever there's a spare moment and perhaps a few brain cells left over to ravage. And it's always good practice to keep the gears turning.

So. You'll see here a series of graphics that incorporates a retro look and feel; relevant to this exercise because I'm pretty retro and (if I can get all Harlequin Romance on you) it harkens back to a more innocent time, when things were simpler. And it may be distinctively apropos in this day and age because it's just now gradually dawning on folks after a wild ride over the past ten years that the dazzle of technology isn't the be-all-and-end-all of everything. Whatever sizzle a business employs to sell its steak, its flame must be fed by good old fashioned Grade "A" values and ingenuity. Because consumers and clients are savvy and overloaded with messages. And new ways of breaking through is a constant challenge. So the retro thing seemed like a good approach to explore in principium.

We won't revert here to a list of dos and don'ts about brand design simply because: 1) dos and don'ts are rules, 2) I don't particularly like rules, and 3) conceptual thinking is all about looking beyond the rules (an act which helps to differentiate a brand). So, while the rules are there I try not to think about them. If I'm working on a piece and it doesn't look right I probably broke a rule and then I think about rules.

It is typical that great corporate material is used across all applications consistently. It's called adhering to brand standards. But can those standards be pushed at the planning stage? Can one of the brand standards be not to be strictly standardized? It's certainly within our rights to ask the question anyway.

So, it's probably not a new concept – the idea of a consistent wordmark with changing icons and matching "qualifiers" (those words under the wordmark), placed to coincide with subject matter, but it's a fun one to play with. Wait. It's actually called a "Variable Icon Corporate Identity" and was invented by a remarkably astute person. A leader in his field.

Yes, I just made that term up. And yes, you can use it.

The integrity of this exploration is in its format, style, font and color use. The intriguing thing is that it's enhanced by a variety of icons that highlight various aspects of the brand.

It did occur to me that something like this might not be for all executives. Because if you don't want people constantly asking you, "What logo do we use with this one, boss?" it could prove to be something of a bother to have like – seventeen of them. The two good things about a plethora of IDs are: 1) you're less likely to get tired of your own brand, and 2) if you find you don't like one of them anymore you can just throw it out and not be faced with a complete multi-kazillion dollar corporate identity redesign.

Then again, I may be totally wacked. Let me know what you think of the idea. As they say in the business, be brutal.

Or maybe you'll just look at these and get a wonderful but completely different concept in mind – a better one – and you'll do your own thing and become very rich and famous. That would be good too.

You can ungird your loins now...

Artifacts From The Past

While excavating an ancient burial ground (read closet) the other day, I inadvertently unearthed what appears to be a many centuries old treasure trove of artifacts from another time. Relics of tools from the Pre-Computer Age, (which comes just after the Neolithic, or New Stone Age). Unlike the Paleolithic, when more than one human species existed, only one human species (Homo pasteupius) reached the Pre-Computer Age.

Tools were all hand-held then, and amazingly crude, forcing the users to work at a larger size than the finished product. When finished the final artwork would be reduced, thereby creating more of a polished image. Above, this is what they called a "Reducing Glass," the opposite to the magnifying glass, which allowed the graphic artist of old to view his work at a smaller size while working; thus perceiving their work at the size it would be published.

While mathematics may not have been among the designer's strengths, this quaint disc allowed the user to align the original measure of a piece along the outside wheel with the desired length on the inside wheel and magically the percentage needed to move the piece from one measure to another would be revealed in the window. Pieces were commonly worked on at 125% so dialing in this percentage in the magic window would allow the designer to look along the measurements on the wheels to find the working sizes for all components of the artwork. Crude and time consuming but less so than doing the math in one's head. Which could have been dangerous.

Here we see a container for a roll of registration marks. Long before layers in Adobe Creative Suite existed, artwork was prepared on thick white boards. Spot colors were indicated by using hand-cut shapes on labeled acetate overlays (using rubi or amberlith). In order for printers to align the overlays properly, these registration marks were applied to all surfaces, one on top of each other. The production tradespeople simply lined up the registration marks by eye (at least three outside of the artwork crop marks) to position the spot colors amazingly accurately.

These are but three examples of the ancient tools used back in another time and place. When drafting tables, steel rulers, parallel rules, set squares, X-Acto knives and Rapidograph pens were the instruments of great (and not-so-great) designers.

Of course I'm much too young to remember these times...

Join us next week when we further examine a world miraculously without modern computers scanners and photoshop. When large room-sized "copy cameras" shot artwork in the dark. When halftone screens were actual screens placed between camera lenses and photosensitive PMT paper to convert consistent tones into dots at different resolutions. A world in which plastic bezel templates and french curves were used to manually guide pens to create smooth lines in an age without vector art. Where "FPO" meant "for position only" and "FL, RR and RL" were instructions to typesetters and things were stuck to things with a thin layer of melted wax.

An ancient, amazing age before modern conveniences...

Why Kids Let Parents Read Children's Books

Who doesn't love stories about funny beings doing improbable things? They somehow allow our imagination run away for a little vacation. Away from serious adult stuff like wars, hurricanes and heartbreak – not to mention the Kardashians, Duck Dynasty (no, not Donald) and Honey Boo Boo...

Improbably silly lives facing scary things... well, scary to them anyway. They might leave us thinking in the back of our minds what our foibles would look like if they were put into a book for the creature's young 'uns. 

As an exercise, it's fun, and a bit silly, to enter into the world these guys live in and tie into a logic and grammar that is as colorful as the characters.

When I was young(er) I thought it might be an idea to do children's books just for adults. After all, why should kids get all the good stuff? But maybe that would be crossing a line. Besides, it wouldn't be so weird to discover that parents who read stories to their kids enjoy the books just as much (or more) than their kids do. Maybe there are kids everywhere who are letting their moms and dads and caregivers continue to read the same bedtime stories over and over again to them night after night because the kids realize that their parents are just having a little fun. So kids, being the nice little animals they are, humor them and let them go on while they snuggle into their blankets and doze off.

Perhaps it's a secret that only kids know about their adults.

Perhaps it's best left that way. Sh-h-h.

(The above experiments in words and vector art illustrations are offered with apologies to Dr. Seuss, Margaret Wise Brown, Shel Silverstein, Maurice Sendak, Robert Munsch, and all the other authors and illustrators of fantastic children's books.)

Poo-Pooing The Pocket

Ah, it's tough time for us all. Not only is it evidently a crime to call 999 in England when a prostitute is not as attractive as she was advertised to be, not only is it considered inappropriate to sell 'midget' themed products, not only are two parking spaces in Boston reportedly worth $560,000, but evidently cargo shorts are no longer "in" and haven't been for quite a while. The fashion-makers, willing to humor the trend for a while, have admitted their disdain for the shorts (just as they have done for other articles of clothing that were practical). Why? They have too many pockets. Simple as that.

Pockets inhibit the sleek and tailored look that we seek as fashion-savvy consumers. Pockets commit the crime of interrupting the flow of the image sensitive eye with unsightly bulges. Because, while not evil in themselves, people tend to put things in them. How gauche.

Now that my entire summer wardrobe (from the waist down anyway) has been trashed, it seems to me (and then I'll leave it alone) that if your body is not sleek and tailored to begin with, one should be exempt from the sleek and tailored rule of dressing. Because, and I only say this because I have proven it to be true, if you attempt to place a sleek and tailored item of clothing on a unsleek and untailored body, one is apt to have stuff popping out. Displaced. In fact, there is some spandex out there that, if in close proximity, could theoretically put one's eye out. And I'm not talking about so-called "fat" people per se, although this whole thing about how the fashion industry and certain retail outlets (who will remain nameless) cater to the credo that in order to be cool and beautiful one has to be skinny is pretty ridiculous. I'm talking about people whose only "fault" is that their shape may not conform to other people's idea of ideal. That's where this all stems from, isn't it? I could go on about how large people are taught to dress so that they appear less bulgy but I won't, except to say it will be a champion moment when the stigma of not being the "perfect" body shape was erased from our consciousness and folks were accepted for and allowed to celebrate whatever shape they are. Why, we might see an end to businesses that prey on people's feelings of inadequacy. And that would be a shame, wouldn't it?

But that's not what I wanted to talk about.

Pockets. An illustrious invention that appears in Middle English and is taken from a Norman diminutive of Old French poke, or pouque. Historically, the term "pocket" referred to a pouch worn around the waist by women in the 17th C. They were so convenient they eventually migrated, as do all good things, to men's fashion (Scottish men are well known for their sporrans). They were more convenient than carrying around a sack (which one had to put down in the mud in order, for instance, to scratch two itchy places at once). Eventually though, as with all things that dangle, the strap on model became a nuisance and a temptation for young thieves running by with sharp knives. Luckily, absent-minded husbands who were forever forgetting to strap on their dangling pockets finally asked for them to be sewn directly into pieces of clothing. Practical. If it's sewn into your pants, chances are you won't forget it, unless of course you forget your pants. In which case you probably shouldn't be leaving the house anyway.

We need pockets. We line our pockets, attempt to have someone in our pocket, have out-of-pocket expenses, look for someone with deep ones and have money burn holes in them. We put hands into them to keep warm and to jingle pocket change while thinking. Pockets are an integral part of our cultural identity. They should be made bigger. We should be wearing pockets that happen to have shorts and pants attached. People would say, "Hey, sharp pockets you have there! Where can I buy pockets like that?"

But no. The fashion police are attempting to banish them because they cause unsightly bulges when people erroneously put stuff into them. And what do they offer in return?

Dangling things?

Thought we learned that lesson about 400 years ago.

I Think I'm Coming Down With Something...

A wrapper rapping. Oh gawd, please tell me I didn't just draw that. Someone take my temperature...

Oh no. Chair hair. Somebody do something. Next I'll be drawing...

That does it. I've lost it. I'm checking myself in...

Let Us Celebrate Our Nuts

(No nuts were harmed during the making of the above photo.)

What kind of friend would allow their good name to be used just so anyone in a tight spot would have a easy way to describe how they feel? Take the phrase, "Got my nuts in a vise." People use this expression and everyone instantly makes a face and goes "Ouch!" But it's not like they really mean "nuts", of course. Nuts just allow their moniker to be used. Because they're tough, unlike the body part that they're subbing for. Because, that's just the type of giving personalities they are.

Not in the entire history of mankind has there been a more magnanimous edible than the nut. They physically give of themselves at their moment of ripetitude (new word) for the benefit of humanity – giving up any chance at a higher education, long life and easy retirement to a long term care facility next to a 9-hole mini-putt (with prunes for breakfast and weekly trips to the casino). But that's not all. Nothing is more ounce-for-ounce as accommodating as our nuts.

This feisty seed-fruit does not hesitate to sacrifice its dignity to allow us to label our unfortunately foolish, eccentric, crazy or otherwise sanity-challenged people "nuts", "nutty", "nut bars" or "nut jobs". To be "off your nut" is seen as a temporary thing because evidently you can get back on when you're done being a bit crazy.

What do we affectionately call those silly geeks, info junkies and rabid enthusiasts who spend an inordinate amount of time and energy focused on a particular activity? We call them nuts (with a qualifier) of course; as in sports nut or car nut or those-things-that-people-collect-and-we-don't-know-why nut.

And what is a difficult person to get through to but a tough nut to crack. Why, some folks even yell, "Aw, NUTS!" in times of extreme frustration. Do we yell, "Aw, BEEFSTEAKS" or "Aw POMEGRANATES"? No-o-o-o.

Nuts have a distinguished history. South American gods invented peanuts 3,500 years ago deep in the Brazilian Amazon Rainforest (where they had like a secret laboratory). The Incans of Peru in 1500 B.C. used virgin peanuts as sacrificial offerings and entombed them with their mummies to give them something nutritious to snack on in their spirit life. P.T. Barnum himself made fresh roasted nuts famous throughout America. Today, they're revered by many in various ways: raw, sprouted, roasted and in satay sauce. Their oil is used for cooking and even made into cosmetics (to outwardly preserve, in a way, our present day mummies). And as long as you're not deathly allergic, people that eat nuts are said to live years longer than those who don't.

Nuts come prepackaged in natural crash-proof containers. Even some animals who own nutcrackers like them; particularly jays and squirrels – who without acorns would all do the crash diet thing every winter.

And when we yell the celebratory "Nuts to you!" the nuts all cheer. Not only do they have a sense of humor, they're just happy to be included in the conversation, especially liking it when someone informs another, "If they made hats the size of your brain you'd be wearing a peanut shell." And they're proud to be included in the Shakespearean declarations including, "A fusty nut with no kernel" (Troilus and Cressida). Fusty nut. That's just so classy.

These are great little guys, well deserving of our respect.

Let us show our nuts they are loved.

Let's have a declaration and an outpouring of nut love. And a letter from the queen. We'll have a nut party. With nut fudge sundaes. Yeah, that's it... with sprinkles.

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." ~ Redd Foxx

The Secret Of "The Look"

It's called the one-raised-eyebrow look, or simply the look for short. And it has been a classified privilege for generations of high-placed powerful business leaders. One that was handed down with password and secret handshake.

Now, this mystery of the ancient societies can be yours after centuries of hiddendom. In short order you too can maximize its miraculous powers with a little practice. And when you get it right, when you find yourself talking with someone who has "issues", you will be able to just give them the look and they will turn into a quivering mass of jello right before your eyes. All without you having to say a word.

The look is not like "staring daggers" or the much maligned "evil eye". It's not meant to be mean nor hurtful; just informative.

The look is so effective and effortless, it may seem like magic. In some ways it's like having an unfair advantage. But hey, life isn't supposed to be fair. And if the look can help save some critical time for yourself and send a message to the person you're giving it to, why, you might just be doing both of you a service.

Yes, the secrets of ancient societies like the Illuminati, The Group of Seven and The Mickey Mouse Club are now yours to use. Think of the time you'll save and the money you will earn.

Versatile, subversive and politically correct, the look is a tool that should grace your leadership toolbox. It is corrective, yet constructive and not nearly as potentially devastating as those messy words can be.

For those of you who have difficulty mastering having one eyebrow raise while the other descends, it can take a bit to perfect. When in training, use a mirror but don't look directly into your own eyes or you might accidentally cause your bowels to weaken. I'm planning a two-day workshop next month. It will cover the various uses and accessory mouth and eye positions for extra ommph.

Let me know if you would like to attend and I'll put you on the list.