Leaders

Steven Harper, Canada

It wasn't planned, but September seems to have had lots of personalities make an appearance, so let's wind it up with a few world leaders.

I don't present these to denigrate anyone's character, but to celebrate the art of caricature.

Barack Obama, United States of America

A caricature is a rendered image showing the features of its subject in a simplified or exaggerated way. Some of the earliest caricatures are found in the works of Leonardo da Vinci, who actively sought people with interesting characteristics to use as models.

Vladimir Putin, Russia

Caricature experienced its first successes in the closed aristocratic circles of France and Italy, where such portraits could be passed about for mutual enjoyment. Indeed, enjoyment remains the purpose of this style of art, whether used for editorial purposes or drawn at a party for amusement.

David Cameron, United Kingdom

The term is derived from the Italian caricare—to charge or load. An early definition occurs in the English doctor Thomas Browne's Christian Morals, published posthumously in 1716. "When Men's faces are drawn with resemblance to some other Animals, the Italians call it, to be drawn in Caricatura."

Angela Merkel, Germany

These studies were done in Photoshop but most caricatures are still created by hand on paper (the real way to do them). Fun to play with, the trick is to exaggerate facial features and still be able to identify the person.

Have a great October everyone! 

Sorta Smart Mojo, Eh?

We all get sorta smart sometimes. When you get your sorta smart mojo going on, here are examples of things you might have thought about:
1) Drinking straws are not made of straw because if they were that would be way too literal
2) If curiosity kills the cat, you have to wonder what it was that got it so worked up
3) Autobiographies and autographs should generate themselves without asking
4) If pizzas had handles they wouldn't need boxes
5) Evidently “nothing that ketchup won't fix” is not an acceptable compliment the first time she cooks dinner
6) If your pillow is oddly furry you might have been sleeping on the cat
7) When your toilet doesn't flush, it doesn't mean it wants to keep it
8) Cell phones should really be microscopic in size
9) A site for “often confused English words” should not contain words that are only bewildered
10) Always finish your

The Dying Art Of Deadpan

No one is here to be funny. And I'm no exception. Although in a meeting once after a panel of psychologists complained that a video we produced contained only good looking women, after others on the team pointed out there were indeed two guys involved, I added, "And one of them was downright homely." I didn't say it to be funny. The guy was. But everyone laughed. Except the psychologists.

Others though, make serious intentionally funny. Ed Asner has a knack for that. In response to a question about what he attributed Betty White's longevity in show business he answered "all the trips to Romania to get those monkey gland shots."

It's the art of dry humor. Delivered deadpan.

Deadpan began many years ago when cavemen discovered that if you say something with a straight face other people don't really know you're not serious. And irony was born. Right after that Buster Keaton ("The Great Stone Face") pioneered the art in film comedy simply because he discovered the only way he could be funny was when he didn't laugh at his own jokes. His humor, coming from the era of vaudeville and silent pictures was largely physical. A subject he once covered with the apology, “I'm so sorry I fell down.”

If you like to sing but find your singing makes others ill, deadpan may be a good option for you. Basically, you can still sing inside but outside you do nothing with your voice but keep it right where it was when you started talking. Leslie Nielsen, who liked to sing but didn't really want to, preferred doing nothing although he once admitted, "Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished."

So, in summation, not only don't you have to sing, but you'll never be off-key and you'll never have to remember how the tune goes. And you won't have to decide what facial expressions to use because you only need one. (Which is easy on the facial muscles.) It's like simplifying your behavior. And your life.

Surely, that's a good thing.

(I know, I know. Don't call me Shirley.)

Internal Early Warning Systems

My internal Idontthinkso meter went off this week. The flashing lights were going off like crazy. You might have seen the glow on the horizon from where you are.

Basically the Idontthinkso meter is a plug in for my BS monitor. It adds a few more bells and whistles and lots more memory. It susses out things that from a distance look okay. It beeps once when a possibility of something iffy presents itself and sets off alarms when the possibility becomes, well, more than a possibility. Like when somebody makes like their motivations are altruistic but you know they're really all about getting the food from your plate. Or like governments when they want to take the public's mind off of something. They go "Oh, look over there!" and then slip out the door quietly when you're not looking. I've found the Idontthinkso meter pretty well foolproof when it comes to spotting this type of thing. I leave mine on all the time.

I installed it to complement my Dingaling 2.0 plug in. The Dingaling 2.0 lets you know when you're dealing with someone who just doesn't get it and indications are they probably never will. Like when they continue to stick their hand in a meat grinder and wonder why their manicure is all messed up. This one I've had to adjust to a high level of tolerance so it only goes off in extreme cases. There are just too many folks these days who have a difficult time tuning in that it would be constantly dingalinging if left at the factory settings. And that can be quite off-putting, like trying to concentrate with someone yelling Shakespeare sonnets backwards in your ear. The Dingaling 2.0 is not new technology to the market but sometimes the tried and true oldies are the best. And it's free but you have to work at getting it to function to capacity. It takes practice.

You need both of these meters in this day and age. They help you keep things in perspective and allow you to know whether to: 1) look into something more closely, or 2) feel sorry and slowly back away, while avoiding eye contact.

They may save your life one day.

It's Puppy Training Time

Meet Roscoe. He's a 12.5 pounder who carries a lot of weight around here. Twenty weeks old, pretty well house-trained, exhibits the ability to move in all directions at once and is always in a perplexingly good mood. He likes his bed in the kitchen, regularly tearing it apart and arranging the parts in strange, new places. And he loves to set his water free by digging in his dish with both front paws. Water tastes better when allowed to wander free-range after all.

Roscoe prefers two old socks tied together and found sticks in the yard over expensive store-bought toys and chew bones. He politely sits to get his leash clipped on and when offered a treat. He likes rides in the car and revels in how wind streaks through his fur. And he's taken quite the shine to the aloof, stray cat who hangs out at the local vet.

He is an amiable sort who is always interested in what you have to say and will listen attentively and graciously let you talk to him about practically anything you like, especially if the topic includes the odd "woof" and "grrrr".

It's been a long time since there's been a puppy in the house. And I'd forgotten what they add to one's life. Curiosity, bouncing enthusiasm, playfulness, craziness, and how a towel magically stops being something used to dry oneself and becomes something to duck under and rassle with. I don't think I ever knew that raindrops were something that could be chased and caught before they hit the ground. And I've rediscovered that cuddle time is anytime. Oh, and kisses and hugs should be given freely and without reason, logic or limitations.

See? My training is coming along nicely. :)

It's Not The Song, It's The Singer

"And I was booked once to go on 'Ed Sullivan' and I got bumped and ran out the back door crying." ~ Aretha Franklin

 "One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain." ~ Bob Marley

"If I hold back, I'm no good. I'm no good. I'd rather be good sometimes, than holding back all the time." ~ Janis Joplin

"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted." ~ John Lennon

Listen. See. Feel. Aretha's soulful, iconic gospel strains. The tug of Bob's reggae beat (ya mon). The gritty tears of Janis' blues rock. Your private wishes and dreams echoed in John's ballads. It is the spark that ignites verve and vigor, presented by someone with the courage to show a unique, human quality. It is imperfection not polish – it is boldness not braggartry – struggle not entitlement and speaks of challenge; not complacency. It is the difference between "a one and only" and "just another".

They break through with passion, truth and vision. And yes; frailty. Real people with real cracks. Perhaps within their magic lies the reason why others who fall prey to shallow phrases and tawdry acts flounder in the weeds. Because we have seen real and cannot be denied.

We all speak to a savvy audience. They hear, see and feel the heart behind sounds, pictures and words. 

Especially when it's missing.

 

Fonetically Speeking, Of Corse

The English language is so silly (and one of the most difficult to learn). Seems like we're at the whim of spelling rules that aren't uniform across the spectrum.

If we were allowed to spell words like we pronounce them, writing would be so much more funner.

If you're a strict linguist, I offer my apologies, because you're probably writhing on the floor gnashing your teeth and frothing at the mouth after looking at the above visuals.

Please feel free to contact me once the effects wear off for a translation...

Oil Of The Snake

In the history of mankind there has never been a more misunderstood human being than the snake-oil salesman. Ever since money became a religion, there have been those with maligned goods, making the best of challenging opportunities and misinterpreted promises of wealth and well being. I am in awe.

They'd roll into town and sell to unsuspecting ya-hoos and leave town before they realize they'd been taken. The first recorded case of this genius came from Stanley's Snake Oil—produced by Clark Stanley, the “Rattlesnake King”. It claimed to be “the strongest and best liniment known for the cure of all pain and lameness.” Its advertising claimed it treated “rheumatism, neuralgia, sciatica, lame back, lumbago, contracted muscles, toothache, sprains, swellings, etc.”  Promising “immediate relief,” it sold for fifty cents a bottle. When tested in 1917 by the government, it was found to contain no actual oil extracted from actual snakes. The government sued poor Clark for misrepresenting his product, won a judgment of $20 and “snake oil” soon after became synonymous with false cures and "snake-oil salesmen" became a synonym for charlatans.

Today, we have those that would offer bracelets that protect us from negative ions, spam emails that rely on sheer numbers to drive people to bogus sites, offer everything from funeral plans to fork lifts to amazing offers really designed to park a virus on your computer.  The messages that are out to convince receivers that they have won a lottery, free credit checks, Nigerian offers and inheritances from previously unknown relatives. Genius.

Earl Jones: 2010 Scammed people in a similar fashion to Madoff. He received
over $50.3 million,
- See more at: http://www.charlatan.ca/2012/09/famous-charlatans/#sthash.GygtZg9M.dpuf

Earl Jones: 2010 Scammed people in a similar fashion to Madoff. He received
over $50.3 million, but did not invest in it and rather spent investors money for
lavish lifestyle. He defrauded many people, including his own family— his brother
and sister-in-law, who did lose $1 million. Jones collected money from individuals
and estates, but returned the same money as monthly interest payments.
Martha Stewart: 2004 –Found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of justice
and two counts of making false statements in connection with sale of stocks of
a bio-tech company. She had lost 4000 shares of Imclone, which is part of the
company she invested, which had collapsing stocks.
Lou Pearlman: 2006 - Mogul of boy bands such as N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys.
In 1981 he started Trans Continental Airlines Travel Services, Trans Continental
Airlines Inc and 12 other companies. But they only exited on paper. Shares of
these companies were sold to investors, and he got loans from banks. He invented
a fake accounting firm, and a fake branch in Germany. Tax returns were falsified.
This lasted for 20 years, and cost $300 million.
Reed Slatkin: 2000 - Scientology minister and co-founder of Earthlink, acted as an
investor for Hollywood residents and corporate bosses. He worked out of his
garage and tricked the wealthy out of $ 593 million dollars, with fake statements,
and fake mortgage firms. He was caught in 2000.
Michael Eugene Kelly: 2009- He scammed seniors and retirees of about $428 million
dollars. He let them invest in fake Timeshares in Cancun hotels called “Universal
Leases”. Investors were to get a good fixed rate in return, but they did not, and
Kelly used the money to buy himself yachts and a private jet among other things.
Gerald Payne/Greater Ministries International: 1990′s- Based in Florida,
the church used Bible speak to cheat church goers of $500 million dollars.
Worshippers were able to invest in gold coins. Payne made an investment plan
where the worshippers should have made money, yet he funneled money towards
the church’s fake metals investment and therefore kept the money
- See more at: http://www.charlatan.ca/2012/09/famous-charlatans/#sthash.GygtZg9M.dpuf

Earl Jones: 2010 Scammed people in a similar fashion to Madoff. He received
over $50.3 million, but did not invest in it and rather spent investors money for
lavish lifestyle. He defrauded many people, including his own family— his brother
and sister-in-law, who did lose $1 million. Jones collected money from individuals
and estates, but returned the same money as monthly interest payments.
Martha Stewart: 2004 –Found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of justice
and two counts of making false statements in connection with sale of stocks of
a bio-tech company. She had lost 4000 shares of Imclone, which is part of the
company she invested, which had collapsing stocks.
Lou Pearlman: 2006 - Mogul of boy bands such as N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys.
In 1981 he started Trans Continental Airlines Travel Services, Trans Continental
Airlines Inc and 12 other companies. But they only exited on paper. Shares of
these companies were sold to investors, and he got loans from banks. He invented
a fake accounting firm, and a fake branch in Germany. Tax returns were falsified.
This lasted for 20 years, and cost $300 million.
Reed Slatkin: 2000 - Scientology minister and co-founder of Earthlink, acted as an
investor for Hollywood residents and corporate bosses. He worked out of his
garage and tricked the wealthy out of $ 593 million dollars, with fake statements,
and fake mortgage firms. He was caught in 2000.
Michael Eugene Kelly: 2009- He scammed seniors and retirees of about $428 million
dollars. He let them invest in fake Timeshares in Cancun hotels called “Universal
Leases”. Investors were to get a good fixed rate in return, but they did not, and
Kelly used the money to buy himself yachts and a private jet among other things.
Gerald Payne/Greater Ministries International: 1990′s- Based in Florida,
the church used Bible speak to cheat church goers of $500 million dollars.
Worshippers were able to invest in gold coins. Payne made an investment plan
where the worshippers should have made money, yet he funneled money towards
the church’s fake metals investment and therefore kept the money
- See more at: http://www.charlatan.ca/2012/09/famous-charlatans/#sthash.GygtZg9M.dpuf

Join me as we celebrate those that find the fortitude to profit from gullibility.

--------------------

(I jest of course.)

The World Of Actionable Offenses

Chemical weapons have caused more than one million casualties globally since World War I (by all sides). The Geneva Protocol, which prohibited the use of chemical weapons in warfare, was signed in 1925. It had many loopholes, including allowing member countries to use them against nonmember countries who had chemical weapons stockpiled. Currently, 189 nations, representing about 98% of the global population, have joined the Chemical Weapons Convention (CWC): to verify the destruction of chemical weapons; to prevent their re-emergence in any member State; and to provide protection and assistance against chemical weapons.

In recent days we saw a concerted effort to gather support for a military act of retaliation, due to use of chemical weapons by a regime (who isn't a member State of the CWC) against its own citizens. More than one country has voted against military reprisals due to the possible ramifications of getting involved in a complicated civil war.

Action was not considered because innocent people, including children, were killed. It was because a weapon that was banned in most of the world was used.

Ask a humanitarian agency for options and you will get humanitarian probabilities. Ask a military force for a solution and they will give you a military solution. Truth is, killing to avenge killing in any situation has never accomplished anything but more dead bodies and fuel for a bigger fire.

Any act of violence, any crime against citizenry by their governing bodies or opposing factions is reprehensible. And those who would arm, finance or supply these civil wars are also culpable. Imagine bombing without bombs, shooting civilians without ammunition...

In a proactive world perhaps peaceful, multinational action could have been taken long before atrocities were committed, before certain weapons were used and before military action is promoted to be the only viable action.

Then maybe, this would be more of a love story.

It's Time To Get Serious, Ain't It?

Exhibit 1(a)69, Part B: The Despicable Belly Laugh

I've been thinking a lot lately about being more grown up, acting more responsibly and setting goals so that I can live a more planned, productive life. After much thought I realize that in order to do so I have to lose the lighthearted stuff. Because we can get carried away, especially when in the company of others who don't possess a sense of humor, who would look upon us laughers as worthless goofballs who are full of nonsense. (Which we are, of course, it's just they say it with such distaste.) And they say things like, "Oh don't encourage him." and roll their eyes, smile politely and give each other knowing looks.

After all, sheer hysteria may be just around the corner. Exhibiting such carefree behavior on a regular basis can be indicative of simple mindedness and may be signs of consumption of wine without cheese and crackers; unaccompanied by those little cocktail weenies.

You are susceptible to this boorish behavior if you wear fuzzy slippers to the mall, antennas on your head, collect joy buzzers and whoopie cushions, have the urge to listen to old Firesign Theater records, envision yourself in either the Life of Brian or A Fish Called Wanda and hoard old photos of Red Skelton, the Marx Brothers or Jonathan Winters or Art Carney. There are more symptoms but you get my drift.

Belly laughs are the worst. An indication of total loss of control. Exhibiting mirth is a weakness; detrimental to your public image. Normal people know that chuckles and giggles don't put money in the bank. Cracking up with a howl and roar doesn't get business done. Even a suppressed snort is unacceptable. If you're distinguished you might come up with a chortle or a titter or two (just to be polite and get past the moment) but that's about it.

So if you dabble in the black art of rolling in the aisles you are in constant peril of being undervalued. You probably began at an early age, doing things like dressing up Barbie in inappropriate ways, squirting milk out your nose and making rude noises with body parts. If you are amongst those who tell off-color jokes just to make someone split their sides and find fun places to hide cooked peas; you are in danger of going right 'round the bend.

So get serious. Please. I implore you. Before it's too late.

The Interweb Version Of A Person Of Interest

In a digital world, where everyone with a computer and access now has an opportunity to become someone of interest to others, we have to ask ourselves, "Is this a valid person of interest to me?" Some folks take advantage of the free media to become more than who they really are, or to sell something, or to advertise something for someone else to sell. It is becoming more difficult to separate a true person of interest from an adventurist or charlatan.

Following, are a few tips that may help in your perusal of the offerings online and your determination of whether the site you visit or the article you read should be seen as the interweb version of a person of interest:
1) Take anyone who offers you "several valuable tips" at face value (my bad)
2) Forgive the gurus, experts and those who preach what is good for you; because they know not what they do. They are bound to write offering generalized wisdom they've heard from others who heard it quoted from others; advice or information that may or may not have substance. And forgive those who would preach their moral values and define the wrongs of the world for you in an emotive manner. For they too are allowed to rant
3) Tread lightly around sites that present you with an immediate pop-up that urges you to register before you are even able to see what's on the site. These may be ones you find little value in and who will be peppering you with frequent spam emails forevermore, with no easy way to opt out, and
4) Watch for those sites offering fast professional services for a low dollar figure. If you're looking for online help to fill a business need and access a crowdsourcing site that offers fast and cheap services; you will not only get what you pay for but will also be subverting the value of true professionals in your area.

You probably already know all this.

--------------------------------

This post marks my 500th blog entry. And they haven't kicked me off (yet). In the almighty words of Archie Bunker, "Whoop de doo, whoop de doo, whoop de doo."

Thanks for reading. 

Warning: Health Risks Of Game Play

Are you a games person? Is Saturday night games night at your house? Maybe friends come over for a few laughs and a round of poker or couples get together for a rousing game of bridge or possibly you play internet games against people in other countries. Or maybe chess is your game, or crazy eights, Risk or that game where you surgically take the organs out of the mechanical human being without the alarm going off and his nose lighting up. Good for you. Have fun.

But folks should be aware that the act of playing games may pose a health risk for some. Serious symptoms during gameplaying have been noted in clinical tests around the world. And people noticing these themselves should be advised to consider immediately avoid playing with and ban games of any sort from their house, computers and smart phones.

Symptoms may include the spontaneous invention of new swear words, headaches due to repeated head banging, and tooth erosion due to uncontrollable grinding of the jaws. Be warned that continued long term exposure causes some people to act in a way they haven't since childhood: temper tantrums and toilets blocked with foreign objects (i.e. playing cards and Monopoly game pieces). Good friends and loving couples may begin to suddenly detest each other. It is advised to stop playing if your neighbors complain about things like scrabble letters embedded in their aluminum siding or when the fire department doesn't share your pleasure of an evening roasting marshmallows around a burning X-Box console in the middle of the front yard. This is especially recommended when the fire is accompanied by painted, naked bodies doing a war dance (an act also known to prompt more than one call to the police).

Scientists are puzzled at the cause of this phenomena, one that strikes randomly and without gender discrimination. Games themselves do not appear to be the cause but removing them at the first sign of any irritability, discomfort or hair loss may be a good idea.

Notes On The Process Of Doing Stuff

Type "A" Doing Stuff. The process of doing stuff consumes just about all the time in our lives. Even when we're not doing stuff we're thinking about it. In fact, the time we spend actually doing stuff is relatively brief compared to the time we spend preparing.

Not only that but as we do stuff we find more stuff that needs doing and it becomes a vicious circle. If we could just get away from doing stuff in the first place (especially the stuff we'd be better off leaving alone) we'd probably have a lot more time on our hands. But we can't. We have to do stuff. It's a rule.

Type "B" Doing Stuff. Then we may find ourselves doing things without thinking. A whole nuther story. One might think this process would take up less of our time, but it doesn't. Truth is, we spend just as much of our time afterwards figuring out why or how we did that or how we're going to explain it. So, we're not really better off, time-wise.

The good thing for those of us who find ourselves doing stuff without thinking is we're not control freaks. And we don't do things like order the Waldorf Salad just so we can pick the walnuts out.

Note: "Sorry, I just wasn't thinking" is a great excuse. People have to forgive us when we say that. (The first time.)

Gotta go. Stuff to do.

Type Art and Laughter Playtime

I'm not a type guy. Or at least a good one. (You want to see some fine type check out my colleague Alan Ariail here.) I have an appreciation and fondness for type. But I play. There's a lot of type "art" on the internet and one thing I could never get was people spending all those hours on a piece that ultimately takes you forever to figure out what the heck it says... or means.

Not only that but often what it says doesn't make any sense. Like it's something esoteric or something. To me, type is about when you're trying to tell somebody something, and anything that interferes with the communicative value of that message is something that should be avoided. Unless it's hip art meant to be put on a loft wall and looked at for hours to find the hidden meaning.

On the other hand, there are some interpretations of type out there that are playful, friendly and easy to read; that lend a human character and appeal to words. (Bad example above.)

Ultimately appreciation of lettering is not just about how many fonts or typefaces you have or how you pick them, but about what they say and how they say it.

And in posting this I don't mean to pose as someone worthy of giving some wise wisdom lesson necessary to fulfill your life.

Thank you for taking the time to look at these playtime experiments of mine, done while at home recuperating.

Bill Murray, Bailiff Byrd and Time Shifting

"If you walk up to some random person on the street, grab them by the shoulder, and say 'Did you just see what I saw?!'... you'll find that no one wants to talk to you." ~ Bill Murray

I don't exactly know how to say this so I'll just blurt it out. My cable company recently stopped providing me with a network channel from out west which was giving me the chance to watch a Judge Judy rerun at 7 p.m. if I missed it on their eastern affiliate at 4 p.m. But they took the channel down. At first I didn't know how to take it but I'm okay with it now.

But I left it on my channel selector favorites list because I believe it still provides me with sort of a connection to people 3,350 kilometers away; a few I know but most I don't. When I flip by it on the menu it's nice to know what they're watching and if they're watching it then that means they're probably okay. And that's comforting. It makes me feel at one with them.

And I imagine myself sitting there with them, stealing their popcorn and we're laughing at Bailiff Byrd as he tells people to leave their papers behind on the table as they exit the courtroom. I realize this confession probably upsets a few eastern people because I'm not imagining myself with them but heck, my mind can't be everywhere at once. That would be nuts.

Some day I'll call someone on the phone who lives on the west coast that I don't know and ask them if they've been missing any popcorn lately. If they have I'll confess; knowing they can't tell anyone because no one would ever believe it.

And we'll laugh about old times we haven't had and chat for a few minutes about Newton and Einstein and the physics of time shifting and about how this is not like that at all.

How Much Does It Hurt?

Qualitative scales are all around us and sometimes we get tired of being asked to rate our shite "on a scale of one to ten". Quel ennui.

But things don't have to be humdrum. Here, for example, is a rating scale for pain. There are nine levels without numbers (because ten is just so common and numbers are sometimes just numbers):
None. Think of yourself in your comfy bed, not having to go pee, with cake. And ice cream
Reality TV Star. On par with stubbed toes, while distracting, appearances can normally be tuned out and walked off
Telemarketer. Like a dull headache, this bane of our existence is certainly a nuisance, especially when it calls during dinner
Stupid Commercial. A special quality of misery; the stupider it is, the more it tends to show up over and over again.
Corrupt Official. Nothing a few kind words will fix. It takes advantage of your good nature and needs to be dealt with immediately
Animal Cruelty. A type of distress that digs deep. It makes you wonder who's responsible and how it can be made to go away... and not come back
Child Abuse. Now we enter the realm of the intolerable. This type of insanity defies all logic. Not a level of pain that chanting your mantra is going to help
School Massacre. A totally unbelievable injustice. It makes you forget your name and what language is for, and
Hiroshima. The utmost. This is like the aftermath of being hit by a big truck. Several of them. At once.

We all know that pain of any sort is a message that says, "pay attention, something is going on" and we should use our discretion whether or not to seek medical advice. You might label the levels something totally different and I invite you to take the concept to where it makes sense for you. But you get my drift...

Sometimes numbers just don't do things justice.

Just a thought.

The Magic Of A Few Extra Letters

Down to your last dime? Got something you're trying to market that just isn't clicking with people? Here's a little known, well protected secret. It amounts to an unfair advantage, really. But I'll share it just with you. For free.

Add "pro" to the end of the name of your thing.

Instantly, your endeavor becomes better. Magically, it will become the thing to have. People will snap them up, trust it to perform and forgive it when it doesn't, love it, download the heck out of it and brag about it to their friends. It will trend on Twitter and have its own Facebook group of admirers.

You'll become successful, rich and famous. People will want you on talk shows and publishers will be fighting for the rights to your book. You'll buy an island off the coast of Tahiti and form your own country, which you'll call Proland.

------------------------------------------------

Of course the above is not true. And more than a bit silly. And the names in the visual are fictional. Plus, I made them up.

Sorry for the lame post today. It's been a strange few weeks. I won't bore you with the details but I will say one thing. Like adding a few extra letters like "pro" to the name of a thing doesn't, in itself, make it better; the same goes for people. Sometimes we meet people with a few extra letters after their name who figure those extra letters automatically makes them superior to others. And that gives them the right to treat others like idiots. It doesn't.

Those Who Spy On Us

They do you know. Birds. They spy on us. They have eyes everywhere. But it's nothing malicious. You're there and visible and therefore available for observation. This is not a new phenomena. The truth is, we've been observed since the dawn of humanity, by a species that began in the Jurassic Period.

They listen from perches, from telephone wires, from limbs of trees and they make mental notes on our activities. They keep tabs on us through windows and some generations of birds have volunteered to be caged and kept in human domiciles.

And they tweet each other about what they see. Not the high tech kind. The original.

Their observances over time could probably fill several hundred libraries, if birds were into writing. There would be many lessons we could learn from their studies. But, they're not; so we can't.

And what do they see from their bird's-eye point of view? There are five strong possibilities:
1) We plant grass just so we can cut it every week or two
2) We tell stories that makes water come out of our eyes
3) We molt a new set of body coverings practically every day
4) We get angry when they crap on our moving machines, and
5) We stay out of the rain but wet ourselves to get clean.

I know all this because I keep an eye on them as they watch us.

It's one of those services I provide to humanity.
 

Overused, Overexposed And Overexamined

Certainly under each of the above subjects there are many more; some more deserving, some less... all depending on your own point of view. These are but a sampling of top of mind. Please note: no messy scientific data included.

Act 2, Scene 1: Where I Forget My Lines

Just when you think life hasn't anything new to offer along comes a little film that rocks you. An Indie film. No major studio involved. Just folks getting together with what money they can drum up and doing something they believe in.

Caught one the other night. A gift. It made me think: 1) How the mainstream studios often miss the mark when it comes to being intelligent and engaging, and 2) How these Indie films aren't always about stuff we can't understand or want to. And that made me think of a third thing: 3) How much our lives may be like little mini-Indies. Raw, real, gritty, funny and at times poignant. Or weird. Sometimes weird is good.

If you subscribe to this last point, you probably already know your own mini-Indie need not be full of pathos and wrought with angst. (Angst is so passé anyway.) Because you decide what your story is. Maybe yours is more romantic comedy. Mine is more of a quirky story and if I had the gumption I'd ask Steve Buscemi to play me. And if I can't get him, I can always play him playing me. If you do something like that too you won't have to worry about it being cheesy. Because people you'd choose probably wouldn't do cheese.

And once in a while, if you're into it, I'd zoom out and give everyone the full picture. It helps others know where you are. And what folks around you are doing. And maybe what you're eating.

As the story evolves, with all the nonsense surrounding us these days, and if we're being real, it's no wonder that sometimes we are at a loss for words, forget our lines, and at times even struggle to find the plot line. But chances are we figure it out in the end. If we don't, why, that's a story in itself.

So if you're into it, consider your days and even particular moments as part of a grander script. Because if we appreciate the subtleties, wackiness and richness of our little lives as we go along, we are tempted to treat those moments of ours, when we're just being human, as treasures.

And maybe the next Indie film that rocks your world will be a very special story.

Yours.

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Above: Studies from "Welcome to the Rileys" written by Ken Hixon and directed by Jake Scott (son of Ridley), with James Gandolfini as Paul and Melissa Leo, as his wife Lois, who become involved on a with Kristen Stewart who plays a teenaged prostitute. And by helping her out a bit the couple finds they feel better and can move on from their own troubles. Along the way cinematographer Christopher Soos does what more people in film and video should. He sets the scene (maybe reminiscent of Edward Hopper) with quick establishing shots. The ones he provides throughout the film obviously took time and vision to set up but those few seconds of unscripted ambient silence speak volumes.

The Irene In Our Dreams

The song is, as kids used to say, as old as the hills and twice as hairy. Some say Goodnight, Irene was the creation of Gussie Lord Davis in 1886, while others believe it older than that – passed on from an old guy to a younger guy. Lead Belly (Huddie Ledbetter) learned it from his uncles (Terell and Bob) around 1908 and by 1932 he had made it his own. In fact, while working on a chain gang in Louisiana, he sang the song to musicologists John and Alan Lomax who presented it to Governor O.K. Allen; an act (legend has it) that helped gain his release from prison.

The last line of the chorus has changed over time. Most recorded versions replace Lead Belly's original "I'll get you in my dreams" with "I'll see you in my dreams," notably the Weavers (who hit number one with it in 1950, a year after Lead Belly's death), and hundreds of others; Pete Seeger, and Willie Nelson included. Tom Waits preferred "I'll kiss you in my dreams." Both a little less feisty than the original.

Such is the way of the old songs. People may change a word here and there to suit themselves but most of the time the overall gist of it remains the same.


The lyrics tell of the singer's troubles with ramblin' and gamblin' and (of course) love. But maybe the essence of the song is rooted in the phrase in my dreams. The words appear set into the song as something of a savior.

The song touches on the fact that we are all toughened from an early age to accept less than we might hope for. The world out there is a great equalizer when it comes to whether our hopes are realized or not. But the "in my dreams" part of the song gives us something of a key to that dilemma: that if we're tough enough, and just crazy enough, we might find that secret place inside of us where all hopes, both impossible and improbable, can be kept safe.

Because, if they're in our dreams, they can never be taken away.

Typos: Bud And Good?

I meant "bad" of course. "Bad And Good." Damn them typographical errors. Guaranteed to drive all us obsessive compulsive, perfectionist, high-brow, nit-pickers totally bitty. (I meant batty.)

You can be a great speller (should I have said spellist?) and very meticulous in everything you do but eventually the ugly, child-eating typo gremlin's gonna get you. You can look at a job for hours, days, even weeks. The job can be proofed twice by three different people. It gets client sign-off and goes for the print order of 250,000. With varnishes, foil stamping and embossing. There's, like, three press checks. Finally, your print samples arrive while the bulk of the order is sent to the direct mail company, personally addressed to a quarter of a million people and sent. It looks gorgeous. Then, somebody walks by your desk, glances at the piece for like a nanosecond and utters the most-hated of hated words; "That's not how you spell that." Curse words, defibrillators and certain prayers of entreaty were invented for moments like this.

Now, a typo may be a mistake that does an instant number on your blood pressure but spotting one that someone else has done can be a bright spot in an otherwise hum-drum day. Like “This contract shall be effective as of the singing of this agreement.” See what happened there? Reverse two letters and you are no longer signing a legal document, you're agreeing to a singalong. Which can be fun. Or miss a single word space and you get a totally different meaning, as in “The penis mightier than the sword.” That there's more than an oops, it's a pack your bag and touch up your résumé thing. Or omitting one little letter, i.e. “Sign up now for our Beauty and Fitness Curse” or “Our massage treatments help relive your pain” is a sure way to attract attention. And “We proudly feature some-day shipping” could be a stab at truth in advertising but most likely not. 

And you might laugh at seeing these but the sad part is that some of that laugh belongs in the "because it wasn't you" world. Not because you're a sadist and enjoy seeing other people shoot themselves in the foot but because some days it's reassuring to know that the gremlins do attack other people as well... and they, too, can have bud days. (I meant bad.)

Summers Past

Jello with fruit salad inside. Flashlight tag. Tenting in the backyard and running inside to use the bathroom. Nanny's soft kisses. Coming in when the streetlights turned on. Gallant sword fights with sticks. Cutting through hedges. Skinned knees. Rubber boots and getting a soaker. Sunburned nights and the smell of Noxzema. Slinkies. Crazy eights. Burnt marshmallows over a campfire. Biking back up the hill from Paul's Sundries. Baseball cards fastened with clothes pins to run through spokes as you ride, making bicycles sound like motorcyles. Water pistols. Sandbox cities with dinky toys and popsicle sticks. Avoiding girl cooties. Boiled rhubarb in a dish. Building forts. Laughing at knock-knock jokes. Getting a hug from your mom.

Looking up at the sky at night and watching the stars. 

Endless days ahead...