What Happens When We Talk

We look around us these days and what do we see? Everything from hate crimes to misbehaving political leaders. It's no wonder we're becoming hardened to injustice; examples of it are thrown at us every moment of every day. We are, in fact, an information-charged generation; desensitizing ourselves to the vitriol of others – relieved we're not the target. We are told about those who are isolated or victimized because they look different, come from different backgrounds or have different beliefs. And we feel powerless to help. (My, aren't I just a regular ray of sunshine today.)

Then, along comes a man in white robes who tells us it's more important to concentrate on our similarities than our differences. He figures, from what I gather, if we concentrate on those positive things we agree upon, that in itself opens up avenues of cooperation and possibilities to make the world a better place. Working together.

Here's what I have gleaned from his actions and words. Respect different lifestyles. Be inclusive, not exclusive. Denounce a capitalistic culture that evaluates a person on a monetary basis. Stop high-level members of his own organization in their tracks who would bling stuff up to impress others. Tone down the traditional opulent trappings of his own office and drive a clunker. Encourage giving to the poor. Love the afflicted.

Even those of us who don't have religion, or who aren't a member of his particular brand of it, have to admire this shift in perspective from powerful jewel encrusted figurehead to simple, humble servant. One who is noted for his humility, his concern for the poor, and his commitment to dialogue as a way to build bridges between people of all backgrounds, beliefs, and faiths.

Cover Your Pizza... Please

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/pizza.html#9usRL23Qrylsh2oc.99

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/pizza.html#9usRL23Qrylsh2oc.99

"You'd better cut that pizza into four slices because I'm not hungry enough to eat six." ~ Yogi Berra

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/pizza.html#9usRL23Qrylsh2oc.99

Maybe becoming an adult does this to you but over the years just I have not only adopted the practice of being fully dressed at all times I have come to prefer my pizza the same way. If I discover a naked pizza in my house I will immediately avert my gaze and rush to throw something on it to preserve its dignity.

Traditional pizza fashion allows for the wearing of a whole variety of items (some things never go out of style). Pepperoni, peppers, onions, olives, mushrooms and a mountain of shredded mozzarella cheese are standard coverings for the typical all dressed pie. I've had steak pizzas that spoke to me in loving tones, hot-hot-hot Mexican pizzas that spoke to me again at the other end the next morning and New Age yuppie wood-oven pizzas with things like pine nuts and smoked salmon that I had to hum Yanni tunes interspersed with rapping beat poetry to get down. Whatever you choose to throw on yours must most definitely hide all that is saucy because it is only proper etiquette that civilized pizzas should never show their sauce.

Of course, I've never dressed myself in any of this stuff – that would just be too kinky. Pizzas, however, are made to be dressed in edible garb. While some wouldn't classify anchovies as edible, everything else you'd normally dress pizzas with generally qualifies as eat-worthy. This qualification does not apply to what people adorn their bodies with. Folks who wear edible clothing tend to begin to smell rancid after a short while if they're not in sub-zero weather. And even then they attract polar bears.

Exactly what I wear is a matter of personal taste and what goes on my pizza is as well. The truth remains, people and pizza share one thing in common. Both should always be properly attired.

The Art Of The Modern Day Laziness Activist

“Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it selective participation.” Anon

Some words just get a bad rap. Lazy comes from the 1540's term laysy, of unknown origin but odds go to Old German. It replaced both slack and idle as the main word expressing the notion of "averse to work." Human beings are the first animal to pronounce that doing nothing for prolonged periods of time is a bad thing (whereas other animals think that's exactly what to do after you've eaten enough to survive and have mated enough for one day). Then again, we're not beasts, are we? We've got that opposable thumb thing going for us and that carries responsibilities.

We've been taught all our lives not to be caught doing nothing for too long because we're all supposed to be running around full-tilt boogie. It began in the Industrial Age where we all became parts of the machine. Anyone who isn't busy at an alarming pace is suspected of being a laziness carrier (horribly diseased and afflicted) and shunned lest they be contagious. Exhibiting such unproductive behavior is said to be having vegetable-like characteristics (like that's a bad thing, especially to vegetarians), and called couch potatoes or loafing (as in bread). Personally, I prefer indolent because it sounds more distinguished.

Ingenious people (we might call them Laziness Activists but that would be an oxymoron) have been devising ways of creative slothfulness for years. Hence, we have new age activities like meditation, zen retreats, forced solitary confinement, 24 hour COPS marathons, sleeping in front of the computer with your eyes open and zoning out in the middle of a conversation but still retaining the ability to nod at appropriate times. All highly valued skills. We don't hear about these successful heroes often because they go veritably unnoticed.

Which is the point, after all.

Online Haystacks and Engineer Goose Bumps

The almighty search engine. We use them to search for information online. Without them we'd all be wading through the biggest haystack in the world trying to find our needle. I don't know exactly how many there are but I've found 10 English or multilingual general search engines.

Search engines list search results but don't supply answers themselves. They're like the guy named Vinnie we go to in the neighborhood who doesn't have what we want but says "I know a guy who knows a guy who does." They shy away from providing actual information because they figure if they gave us the answers themselves it would be their fault if it turned out they were wrong so to remain blameless they send you to someone else. So, search engines = pure teflon. 

We know we're on a real good search site when they send us a ton of results to our search request (sorted by relevance, popularity and oh, let's throw in some who pay-to-play to get on top of the list) in such quantity and so quickly that what they really want from us is for us to throw up our hands in wonder. They really don't expect us to view all the results. They just want to dazzle us with their science.

To prove this point, if we do a search for the word "search" we'd get about 12,030,000,000 results in .26 seconds. Visiting 12,030,000,000 sites at, say, 10 seconds each would take 33,416,667 hours to do. Or approximately 1,113,889 months. Or 92,824 years. If we all live to 70 years old, that's about 1,326 lifetimes. In other words it would take a team of 1,326 people working their whole lives to cover all the sites offered in the search results.

The engineers out there just got goose bumps of delight. Gotta love 'em.

The Thing About Mayor Ford

From casual research, this is what seems to be a popular assessment of Rob Ford's position (Mayor of Toronto – if you follow news at all, you must know who he is by now), according to gathered assessments on news and social media. The above graphic is not based on scientific data or personal opinion, it's just a chance to depict metaphors visually. I thought about adding reference to the feline race but thought better about being "catty".

It wouldn't take a real sensitive person to already be sick of the saga that has exploded over this issue and tired of hearing about it. At some point we have to feel bad for the guy. Not because, from his own words, he's probably done wrong on many levels as a leader and may be his own worse enemy, but because there's a pretty good chance he needs help. Like this article says, "It's Ford himself who must come to terms with his own personal issues and decide for himself how to tackle them." But hey, the media, comedians and politicians of all ranks around the world continue to jump on this man. They LOVE this controversy and it's all because they're making money, points and gaining attention from their condemnations and comments. Such is the state of media coverage.

Hell, even Charlie Sheen has tweeted to the guy. Come on.

So, good people might be tempted to say, let's start caring for people and concentrating on stuff that helps one another, not on the rabid attention that has the potential to tear him apart.

There Will Be Rubbish

Woke up this morning to Shel Silverstein's Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout prancing through my head. It's a catchy little ditty about a young lady with an aversion to taking out the garbage and her dire consequences. Suffice to say it's not a pretty story (see below). And finally, Sarah Cynthia Stout said, "Okay, I'll take the garbage out!" But then, of course it was too late...

I don't know why it appeared in my head. But it made me remember I have been intimately involved with rubbish all my life. In fact, taking out the garbage was on my list of chores as soon as I was old enough to have chores (right up there with feeding the hamster). I figure it's a lifelong thing for everyone. In fact, my last words to the grim reaper will probably be, "I'm sorry I can't be dead yet, I have to take the garbage out."

We have the all-Canadian rural tradition of weekly dump runs, trash talk, and the new Olympic sport of dumpster diving behind high-end restaurants. Garbage wasn't always such a big deal, of course. But since the industrial revolution and the discovery of plastic, high density apartment buildings and disposable diapers, things aren't made to last. In fact, the health of our entire world economy is based on the luxury of throwing what we buy into a garbage can as soon as possible.

So I got to thinking about this garbage thing and what a growth industry it is. As long as there are people you're going to have a constant supply of stuff they discard. And sometimes I think if I had just gotten into trash in my younger years I could have probably retired well before now, and be bald and hairy-backed, living in some trailer park in Florida with a hot trophy wife; popping wheelies in my very own golf cart. People at the trailer park clubhouse would ask "So, where did you make your money, Rand?" and I'd proudly say, "In garbage." And they'd say, "Gee, you smell pretty good for a guy who worked in garbage all his life." Then they'd laugh so hard at their own joke that their false teeth would fall out into their rye and ginger and they'd pee themselves a little.

Yeah, that would have been pretty cool. Here's Shel...

It's A Dog's World

“You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!” ~ Dave Barry

Ever since the popularity of C. M. Coolidge's dogs playing poker (commissioned in 1903 by Brown & Bigelow to advertise cigars); we've been assigning human characteristics to them. It's called anthropomorphism and while some purists will scoff at the idea of attributing people personality traits to animals, in the case of dogs, it's perfectly proper. Because they have them. Anyone who has spent time eating an ice cream cone in front of one knows that.

Even if they don't play poker (it's not because they can't, of course, but because they don't want to) it's nice to know if they wanted to what it would look like. Without C.M. Coolidge's gifts to set the example we wouldn't have Snoopy's Red Baron fantasies. The Lady and the Tramp would have never shared a plate of spaghetti and Beethoven's antics would never have hit the big screen. Judy Garland would never have uttered those fateful words, "Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more." The movie Turner and Hooch would have been about the sad downward spiral of a man and his moonshine. Ten generations of Lassie descendents would have been out of work. Pavlov's dogs would never have salivated on demand.

And this post would probably not have been written. Some might say that would have been a good thing. But it got the Roscoe wag of approval. And he's the boss (around here anyway).

Does It Hurt When You Do That?

Whoever said "No pain; no gain" must have been thinking of the pioneers of social media business presence. From their example we have learned certain fun practices to adopt when engaging with folk on the interweb... especially if you're masochistic or just totally into pain:
1) Knocking your head against the wall. If you have a company social media presence (FB, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, etc.) forget all the nonsense about it being all about conversations and engagement. Your job is to announce and preach. Short and sweet. And don't forget to remind people to comment when they don't, because they appreciate the edgy panic in your words
2) Poking yourself in the eye. Don't post for months and then, in the space of an hour, bombard all your followers with dozens of tweets, retweets and retweets that (obviously) you really sent yourself under a different account name; be sure to copy all tweets to your facebook updates and email these same folks directly as well just in case. They'll thank you for livening up their day
3) Hitting one's midsection with blunt objects. The interweb is not just a tool in the toolbox, it is the whole tool superstore. Because Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and YouTube accounts are free and websites are relatively inexpensive to keep and update, don't bother keeping your traditional paid media ads running. Save money and be a hero to your accountants. After all, everyone is on the interweb these days
4) Shooting yourself in the foot. When people comment negatively, or complain online make sure you don't appear soft. Show them who is boss and, if you find multiple people all making the same complaint across all your social media outlets, make sure all your staff respond to everyone with exactly the same, vaguely worded script. Varying your message to personalize replies is a sign of weakness
5) Holding your breath until you get dizzy. Have your web content ruled solely by proven keywords to get the most SEO effectiveness possible. Don't worry if it is difficult to understand, people don't read content anyway – the main thing is to get people to your site. Draw their eye away with stock photos of things like happy families and vast, inspirational vistas. The rest will take care of itself, and
6) Flogging with a wet noodle. Also be sure to post the same message in all your tweets, page updates and discussion groups for months on end, don't worry about being repetitive – some people just don't get it the first few dozen times they see something. Hire young social media gurus (like a student, or your nephew with a computer in his basement or better yet, an unpaid intern) to maintain everything on a day-to-day basis. They are most likely to have their own Twitter account and Facebook page and already know the lingo and cool abbreviations.

By following the above six handy tried and true practices, you'll be following in the footsteps of many who have learned how to interweb the hard way.

Pretty Ribbons

“The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness." ~ Lao Tzu

The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.
Lao Tzu
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/awareness.html#4LDukpkBjH971v4C.99

The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.
Lao Tzu
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/awareness.html#4LDukpkBjH971v4C.99

The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.
Lao Tzu
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/awareness.html#4LDukpkBjH971v4C.99

The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.
Lao Tzu
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/awareness.html#4LDukpkBjH971v4C.99

The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.
Lao Tzu
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/awareness.html#4LDukpkBjH971v4C.99

Throughout the history of the human race philosophers have been trying to figure out what it all means: life, self, meaningful existence, our place in the grand scheme of things... And now, more and more people are chanting mantras, contorting our bodies into pretzels, singing kumbaya and meditating in the hope that all will be revealed and we will pass into a new age of awareness.

Awareness.

Somewhere along the line, folks figured out that the way to help good causes was to raise people's awareness of the need. As a result we have an increasing number of awareness months, weeks and days. Those who build awareness campaigns battle for our attention in advertising, media reports, and special fundraising events (like runs for cures). In fact, we have so many different causes competing for our attention that finding a distinctive color for ribbons for people to wear and put on their bumpers to show awareness and support has become pretty well impossible.

The Process of Engagement

As a result of all this activity, we now have a market so saturated with good causes (watered down with pseudo charities and questionable corporate involvement) that people are now questioning the effectiveness of simply being aware. And while I love what's been done creatively for awareness advertising, awareness is only the beginning – the bottom rung of the ladder. The process of engagement is a multilevel one. It's not enough to ask someone to wear a ribbon or 'like' yet another facebook page and the public is acknowledging that. Simply being aware and clicking a mouse, they say, is not really doing anything. They want to understand what their support means, be informed of the effectiveness of their support, gain a reason they should pick this cause over others and, finally, be given a do-able course of action. In advertising, this is called "the ask". If all they're asked to do is to be aware and pin a ribbon on their chest, that is where their attention will end. The strategy involved in engaging people and achieving goals is a sophisticated one.

And it starts with not stopping at awareness.