The Thing About Mayor Ford

From casual research, this is what seems to be a popular assessment of Rob Ford's position (Mayor of Toronto – if you follow news at all, you must know who he is by now), according to gathered assessments on news and social media. The above graphic is not based on scientific data or personal opinion, it's just a chance to depict metaphors visually. I thought about adding reference to the feline race but thought better about being "catty".

It wouldn't take a real sensitive person to already be sick of the saga that has exploded over this issue and tired of hearing about it. At some point we have to feel bad for the guy. Not because, from his own words, he's probably done wrong on many levels as a leader and may be his own worse enemy, but because there's a pretty good chance he needs help. Like this article says, "It's Ford himself who must come to terms with his own personal issues and decide for himself how to tackle them." But hey, the media, comedians and politicians of all ranks around the world continue to jump on this man. They LOVE this controversy and it's all because they're making money, points and gaining attention from their condemnations and comments. Such is the state of media coverage.

Hell, even Charlie Sheen has tweeted to the guy. Come on.

So, good people might be tempted to say, let's start caring for people and concentrating on stuff that helps one another, not on the rabid attention that has the potential to tear him apart.

There Will Be Rubbish

Woke up this morning to Shel Silverstein's Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout prancing through my head. It's a catchy little ditty about a young lady with an aversion to taking out the garbage and her dire consequences. Suffice to say it's not a pretty story (see below). And finally, Sarah Cynthia Stout said, "Okay, I'll take the garbage out!" But then, of course it was too late...

I don't know why it appeared in my head. But it made me remember I have been intimately involved with rubbish all my life. In fact, taking out the garbage was on my list of chores as soon as I was old enough to have chores (right up there with feeding the hamster). I figure it's a lifelong thing for everyone. In fact, my last words to the grim reaper will probably be, "I'm sorry I can't be dead yet, I have to take the garbage out."

We have the all-Canadian rural tradition of weekly dump runs, trash talk, and the new Olympic sport of dumpster diving behind high-end restaurants. Garbage wasn't always such a big deal, of course. But since the industrial revolution and the discovery of plastic, high density apartment buildings and disposable diapers, things aren't made to last. In fact, the health of our entire world economy is based on the luxury of throwing what we buy into a garbage can as soon as possible.

So I got to thinking about this garbage thing and what a growth industry it is. As long as there are people you're going to have a constant supply of stuff they discard. And sometimes I think if I had just gotten into trash in my younger years I could have probably retired well before now, and be bald and hairy-backed, living in some trailer park in Florida with a hot trophy wife; popping wheelies in my very own golf cart. People at the trailer park clubhouse would ask "So, where did you make your money, Rand?" and I'd proudly say, "In garbage." And they'd say, "Gee, you smell pretty good for a guy who worked in garbage all his life." Then they'd laugh so hard at their own joke that their false teeth would fall out into their rye and ginger and they'd pee themselves a little.

Yeah, that would have been pretty cool. Here's Shel...

It's A Dog's World

“You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!” ~ Dave Barry

Ever since the popularity of C. M. Coolidge's dogs playing poker (commissioned in 1903 by Brown & Bigelow to advertise cigars); we've been assigning human characteristics to them. It's called anthropomorphism and while some purists will scoff at the idea of attributing people personality traits to animals, in the case of dogs, it's perfectly proper. Because they have them. Anyone who has spent time eating an ice cream cone in front of one knows that.

Even if they don't play poker (it's not because they can't, of course, but because they don't want to) it's nice to know if they wanted to what it would look like. Without C.M. Coolidge's gifts to set the example we wouldn't have Snoopy's Red Baron fantasies. The Lady and the Tramp would have never shared a plate of spaghetti and Beethoven's antics would never have hit the big screen. Judy Garland would never have uttered those fateful words, "Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more." The movie Turner and Hooch would have been about the sad downward spiral of a man and his moonshine. Ten generations of Lassie descendents would have been out of work. Pavlov's dogs would never have salivated on demand.

And this post would probably not have been written. Some might say that would have been a good thing. But it got the Roscoe wag of approval. And he's the boss (around here anyway).

Does It Hurt When You Do That?

Whoever said "No pain; no gain" must have been thinking of the pioneers of social media business presence. From their example we have learned certain fun practices to adopt when engaging with folk on the interweb... especially if you're masochistic or just totally into pain:
1) Knocking your head against the wall. If you have a company social media presence (FB, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, etc.) forget all the nonsense about it being all about conversations and engagement. Your job is to announce and preach. Short and sweet. And don't forget to remind people to comment when they don't, because they appreciate the edgy panic in your words
2) Poking yourself in the eye. Don't post for months and then, in the space of an hour, bombard all your followers with dozens of tweets, retweets and retweets that (obviously) you really sent yourself under a different account name; be sure to copy all tweets to your facebook updates and email these same folks directly as well just in case. They'll thank you for livening up their day
3) Hitting one's midsection with blunt objects. The interweb is not just a tool in the toolbox, it is the whole tool superstore. Because Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and YouTube accounts are free and websites are relatively inexpensive to keep and update, don't bother keeping your traditional paid media ads running. Save money and be a hero to your accountants. After all, everyone is on the interweb these days
4) Shooting yourself in the foot. When people comment negatively, or complain online make sure you don't appear soft. Show them who is boss and, if you find multiple people all making the same complaint across all your social media outlets, make sure all your staff respond to everyone with exactly the same, vaguely worded script. Varying your message to personalize replies is a sign of weakness
5) Holding your breath until you get dizzy. Have your web content ruled solely by proven keywords to get the most SEO effectiveness possible. Don't worry if it is difficult to understand, people don't read content anyway – the main thing is to get people to your site. Draw their eye away with stock photos of things like happy families and vast, inspirational vistas. The rest will take care of itself, and
6) Flogging with a wet noodle. Also be sure to post the same message in all your tweets, page updates and discussion groups for months on end, don't worry about being repetitive – some people just don't get it the first few dozen times they see something. Hire young social media gurus (like a student, or your nephew with a computer in his basement or better yet, an unpaid intern) to maintain everything on a day-to-day basis. They are most likely to have their own Twitter account and Facebook page and already know the lingo and cool abbreviations.

By following the above six handy tried and true practices, you'll be following in the footsteps of many who have learned how to interweb the hard way.

Pretty Ribbons

“The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness." ~ Lao Tzu

The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.
Lao Tzu
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/awareness.html#4LDukpkBjH971v4C.99

The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.
Lao Tzu
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/awareness.html#4LDukpkBjH971v4C.99

The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.
Lao Tzu
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/awareness.html#4LDukpkBjH971v4C.99

The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.
Lao Tzu
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/awareness.html#4LDukpkBjH971v4C.99

The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.
Lao Tzu
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/awareness.html#4LDukpkBjH971v4C.99

Throughout the history of the human race philosophers have been trying to figure out what it all means: life, self, meaningful existence, our place in the grand scheme of things... And now, more and more people are chanting mantras, contorting our bodies into pretzels, singing kumbaya and meditating in the hope that all will be revealed and we will pass into a new age of awareness.

Awareness.

Somewhere along the line, folks figured out that the way to help good causes was to raise people's awareness of the need. As a result we have an increasing number of awareness months, weeks and days. Those who build awareness campaigns battle for our attention in advertising, media reports, and special fundraising events (like runs for cures). In fact, we have so many different causes competing for our attention that finding a distinctive color for ribbons for people to wear and put on their bumpers to show awareness and support has become pretty well impossible.

The Process of Engagement

As a result of all this activity, we now have a market so saturated with good causes (watered down with pseudo charities and questionable corporate involvement) that people are now questioning the effectiveness of simply being aware. And while I love what's been done creatively for awareness advertising, awareness is only the beginning – the bottom rung of the ladder. The process of engagement is a multilevel one. It's not enough to ask someone to wear a ribbon or 'like' yet another facebook page and the public is acknowledging that. Simply being aware and clicking a mouse, they say, is not really doing anything. They want to understand what their support means, be informed of the effectiveness of their support, gain a reason they should pick this cause over others and, finally, be given a do-able course of action. In advertising, this is called "the ask". If all they're asked to do is to be aware and pin a ribbon on their chest, that is where their attention will end. The strategy involved in engaging people and achieving goals is a sophisticated one.

And it starts with not stopping at awareness.

The Smile Or Frown Quandary

They say there are three things to never bring up in conversation – at least conversations that you want to end pleasantly: politics, religion and someone's sex life (or lack thereof). This goes for cocktail parties, kitchen table chinwags, water cooler chats and (these days) social media discussions. But how we react to any conversation can have an effect on even the tamest of topics. 

Now I'm no social scientist. Heck, I'm not even a very good judge of character most of the time – just ask my ex-wife. And as I get older I find I'm becoming more and more socially inept and totally vacuous. But in one of my clearer moments I have figured out when someone makes a comment or statement we have two options of how to react:
1) The Smile Reaction. Even if we don't totally agree with what was said, at least we accept that their point of view has a possibility of holding some truth. At the very least, there is room for respect and cordial conversation. Because after all, there are very few certainties in life and who knows, we might learn something and build a new understanding, or
2) The Frown Reaction. We reject the thought outright as asinine without wasting any time giving it consideration. Consideration is just so wishy-washy. If we're going to be decisive and strong and have a committed stance we might as well go all the way and add a bit of nice radical indignation, bait the person with sarcasm and belittle them. This effectively ends any possibility of further communication... and makes life so simple.

There are lots of various reactions, of course, that fit into the social smiles and frowns spectrum, because life is very complex on purpose – it keeps us from being complacent.

Ultimately I've found the way we choose to react puts us on one of two paths. One path has the potential to lead to constructive situations with the possibility of cookies and ice cream, and the other path points to a whoop-ass acid reflux end.

Knowing how our reactions fit into the grand scheme of things may help us decide how to react. It's an abstract theory of course.

One that is open for both smiles and frowns...

Put Down That Disco Ball

jazz up: to make more lively, gaudy, or appealing

What a glorious and boring life we lead that we have to consciously find ways to jazz things up. How one goes about doing that properly has been the subject of many great debates. If you're thinking of doing something to make life a bit more exciting, you may be faced with possibilities that you may have issues with (especially if, like me, you're not the demonstrative type). For example the ear ring in the nose thing may not be for you. New window treatments may prove to be a tad short of scintillating. And it takes a special person to be satisfied by the placement of sparkly things on your shirts. You might think about getting a killer hamster tattoo but if you can't take pain very well that may not be in the cards. Some buy sporty cars, but if you're not the flashy type (aside from that one pair of shorts with red hearts on it) you've probably crossed that off your list of possibilities; especially if you're not compensating for something tiny. You could travel to foreign lands, I suppose, and put up with all those people speaking strange languages and probably get dysentery or malaria. You could install a disco ball in your living room or fall in love and not tell them or collect inappropriate religious figurines or grocery shop in the buff and get arrested or eat something so spicy that it takes the top of your head off...

...or, you could just turn on a bit of jazz...

"Most of the things you are surrounded with you don’t need. But when you have those things around you, it makes you feel good about living in the world. And it gives you something to look forward to, and it also gives you a way to connect with everything that has happened on earth. It’s like real poor people in the country, on a Sunday, would get dressed up and they wouldn’t have any money but just that little hat with the flower on it…just a little something to make you special and make you sweet. That’s jazz music." ~ Wynton Marsalis

Selling, Promoting, and Communicating

I don't write a lot about business because I'd rather write about other things, but there appears to be some confusion about the difference between marketing, advertising and public relations. These three professions have had their roles and relative values blurred over the past number of years to the extent that people have been led to believe that one can cancel out the other. I don't know why. Perhaps there was profit to be made. So I thought I'd offer my thoughts. Please forgive me for being brief. I know I've left things out. It's a blog.

Marketing is the act of selling a product or service and all the business activities that are entailed. Marketers determine the process involved in bringing products or services together with potential buyers and investors. Generally speaking, if you are a marketer, the more products or services you sell, the more successful you are. Sometimes marketers don't care how they do that and resort to nasty practices like telemarketing and spam to help sell their stuff. This practice is akin to yelling out the window of a moving car.

Advertising is the art of creatively promoting a product or service. People in this occupation formulate a compelling message in a non-personal manner; strategically outlining unique benefits using a combination of various traditional and new media. There are two ends of the spectrum for agencies: 1) those in it for the money, who will put out any message as long as the client approves it, and 2) agencies who knock themselves out over creative excellence. The more creative the work is, the easier it will cut through the clutter and reach the minds they are targeting. They figure if they make a name for quality work, the money will follow. Silly creative people.

Public relations professionals are those who are involved in communicating the activities and values of an organization, providing information on a day-to-day basis about a business, product or service and updates that help clientele and stakeholders stay informed. If they are not the actual public voice of an organization they provide the proper words for senior management. PR folks who mislead or practice avoidance are said to be spinning. Not many do that anymore. Those that do are easy to identify because they're blurry (and dizzy).

Marketing, advertising and public relations are three different, valuable disciplines and come from different focuses and perspectives. Working together, they can help build a successful business effort. But clients should not be fooled into thinking that one skill set can do the job of the other.

Six No-Mess Ways To Depressurize

We're all under a Vesuvius amount of pressure these days. It's both performance-related and associated with all the BS that happens around us. Most of us learn to use stress as a motivator and eat pressure for breakfast. But sometimes it can sneak up on us and all of a sudden we have the mind version of a hernia going on, complete with things popping out that we'd really rather not have popping.

There are things that we can do to be proactive about the stickiness of out-of-control pressures. Here are my top six:
1) Stop listening to everyone. This is your permission to go about life ignoring other people. This includes people who go LOL a lot, online special interest discussion groups, listening to self-help/diet testimonials and is especially essential for protection against those who love talking to hear themselves talk. About 50% of your stress will go away instantly
2) Forget about deadlines. Don't set them and don't let others set them for you. Just work. And if someone should ask you when they're going to get something, begin sobbing uncontrollably. Do this often enough and they'll stop asking and you'll have more uninterrupted time to get stuff done
3) Don't exercise. I cannot emphasize this enough. All working out does is increase the chance of pulling something and creating more stress (and pain). Besides, we all know that exercise leads to hard anabolic-androgenic drugs. If you want to sublimate, it is much more time efficient to primal scream at inanimate objects (the kind that can't yell back). My favorite is the microwave
4) Never look into mirrors. Every time you look in the mirror you increase the chance you'll see something you don't like. The way your hair sits (or is missing). Your nose: it's either too big or just sitting there. The dark circles under your bloodshot eyes and the wrinkles that weren't there yesterday. So do away with the mirror-looking thing. And consider hanging out with ugly old folks. I'm available (for a price)
5) Sleep a lot. The unconscious mind is a wonderful thing. It doesn't cost anything, is easy on the ol' bod and it allows all the toxins that have built up in your brain (caused by thinking all day) to be cleaned away (I just heard that today). If sleeping is impractical, because you happen to be standing for instance, train your brain to zombie out or watch chick flicks (same thing), and
6) Be stupid on purpose. If your fear of making mistakes is putting you under pressure, make some on purpose (in private at first, if you have to). By getting used to not being perfect, even if you are perfect (and you are), you'll reset your perfection expectations and get over your fear. And when you get real brave you too can have a stupid blog (like this one).

So good luck with reducing the amount of unsightly stress in your life. Practice the handy tips above and discover the joy of a depressurized life. And remember, the less you shake up the pop can of life, the less time you'll spend wiping sticky stuff off the ceiling.

Drops That Haven't Yet, At Least Not Fully

A water drop on my clothesline from over the weekend. It had been raining all day.

But is it really a drop if it hasn't made it to the ground yet? Do we call it a drop because it will drop sometime in the future? That it has the unmitigated potential to fall to terra firma? Or is it that it has already dropped from the sky and, yet, never made it all the way? Not a very good quality drop if you ask me. It had one job. To fall from the sky and hit the ground.

These, then, would be drops-to-be. Drops that haven't finished dropping yet. Undropped drops. Someone called a clothesline break on the way down and a group got together to chit chat, perhaps about their future potential together as a puddle. Maybe it was an option in their contract that they ticked off while still up there in the cloud. I would like a stopover on the way down. I realize that this will lengthen the duration of my trip, but I'd like to reflect on the moment. An aesthetic approach.

Unfortunately, or possibly fortunately, some never do make it all the way down. If it stops raining they may dry right there on the line (which is quite apropos, it being a clothesline and all) and become moisture in the air. Maybe evaporation prior to impact with the ground was their goal all along. It would certainly do away with that final nasty splat.

And what about dew drops? They haven't fallen at all. And maybe never will. There isn't a therapist in the world that would help those little guys.

Maybe we call them drops before they've actually dropped all the way because once they have qualified as certified drops they aren't drops any more. They're something else: splatters, or mud, or wet spots on the floor. Sad, that. Really.

It is almost all right. Do not stress that "bent image". Refraction itself does not cause distortion of the image. If you look through a thin lens like a magnifying glass the image is not bent. The distortion is caused by the shape of the droplet: it is not a thin lens. It is thick and irregular in shape. You get similar distorted image in a curved mirror.

Read more: http://www.physicsforums.com

Refraction itself does not cause distortion of the image. If you look through a thin lens like a magnifying glass the image is not bent. The distortion is caused by the shape of the droplet: it is not a thin lens. It is thick and irregular in shape. You get similar distorted image in a curved mirror.

Read more: http://www.physicsforums.com

Is Stupid The New Smart?

“I think the problem with people like this is that they are so stupid that they have no idea how stupid they are. You see, if you are very, very stupid how can you possibly realize that you’re very, very stupid?” ~  John Cleese

Last year, Mr. Cleese was responding to a number of questions online and one asked who, out of three possibilities, might be nominated for the Twit of the Year Award. His brilliant response got me thinking because: 1) this ‘twit’ phenomena doesn't seem to be limited to just those few, and 2) none of them are brainless buffoons. They're intelligent.

And then I thought, oh my God, maybe that's the problem.

As someone who has been stupid their entire life, I have come to the conclusion that we have a problem with intelligent people. All over the planet educated leaders and influencers have: 1) put things into disarray over an assortment of competing political, religious and cultural passions, 2) painted themselves into ethical and moral corners with a combination of ambition and tunnel vision, 3) increased deficits while acting like they were saving the economy – at the expense of humanitarian, environmental and scientific pursuits, and 4) in some cases continue to spread distrust and discontent – all because of unjust events that happened long before their birth. I don't have to cite specific examples. Just open up a newspaper.

Stupid people see things as simply as possible, cut to the chase and come up with simple, fast solutions to fix things. Perhaps we need to look at putting our intelligent people through a ten-step program. Call it Smartoholics Anonymous. They would stand up in front of a crowd and admit they're hooked on being intelligent. Their opening statement would go, “Hello, my name is ______ and I am a smartoholic. I have been ten days stupid.” Then, everyone in the audience would sigh, shed a tear and send out a cheer because they'd know this person was on their way back to being well again.

And then maybe we could get on with the business of dimming down all their bright ideas that have just gotten the rest of us into all this trouble.

The Almighty "We'll See"

Isn't it funny when people say yes when what they really mean is no. Well, funny is the wrong term. Peculiar might be better. It would be helpful if these people came with English subtitles but then again it only takes a few times of having people do this to you to wise up. 

But when people say yes and mean it they're giving you two things: one of the shortest single word sentences in the English language and arguably the most positive one. In some languages they don't have a word for yes. I don't know what they say but I suppose it may be something like certainly or I understand or go with my blessing.

Some English-speaking people seem to never say yes, even though it's readily available for use. In my earlier days that was a mystery to me. I figured they either weren't a permissive person or had a fear of commitment. They'd say we'll see (my mother's favorite term). Ambiguous as it may be, I've recently come to the conclusion that saying we'll see is smart at least some of the time because, you know, sh*t happens and it's difficult to have to change your mind from a solid yes to a solid no without hours of explanation and possible cancellation fees. Going up or down from a we'll see is less of a dramatic jump.

Then there are the times we say yes to ourselves when we should be saying we'll see. This happens when our emotions enter commando mode and perform a coup d'état on the logical part of our mind. In other words; we either make snap decisions against our better judgement, or perhaps someone (namely you in a weak moment) has put it on your bucket (pronounced boo-kay?) list.

Such scenarios may be more understandable in a reckless youth when our bones are more flexible and our brains are not fully formed but with the recent passing of yet another year of life here, I'm understanding the full value of not saying the 'y' word too rashly because the next thing you know you are making a terrible mistake with no possibility of gracefully turning back and, in the case of activities such as bungee jumping, sky diving and swimming with sharks (both human and the other kind); you are putting your well being in serious jeopardy (and in serious violation of several health and safety standards). Screaming like a girl is known to occur at this moment.

We'll see gives you what is called wiggle room. In Canada, we also call it middle-of-the-road politics.

I'm into it.

The Leaf Blower Song

There is a traditional autumn folksong that goes, “What is the penalty for shoving a leaf blower up an 83-year-old's ying-yang?” Surely, you've heard it. It's like a soft, sweet, loving ballad. It was a real hit back in the days of “Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?” and enjoys a brief resurgence every year at about this time.

I don't recall that the lyrics ever go on to supply an answer to the age-old puzzles and I suspect both the leaf blower and the chewing gum questions are rhetorical, but I've been thinking about the leaf blower one lately. I certainly wouldn't expect the consequences would be pleasant as the courts generally frown on things done to octogenarians as a consequence of their playing with power tools.

If you've never heard a leaf blower... can I come live with you? The sound they make can be described as a “stentorian belch” with an effect on a peaceful environment akin to dragging a “chainsaw through a Monet.” They are said to have been invented either by the Japanese (what didn't they invent?) or by a guy named Dom Quinto in the late 1950s as a chemical spraying machine, who soon found customers taking off the chemical spraying bits and using the rest of the machine to create fun dust storms. In any event a new product was born; one that generates wind speeds of up to 270 miles per hour, has the power to put small pebbles through car doors and holds future potential (for me anyway) as a personal hovercraft.

I got a guy here in the neighborhood who just loves his. It doesn't matter if the leaves are down or not, he just likes to go outside and blow stuff around. He'll cut the grass when it doesn't need cutting just so he can get out the blower and send the clippings into the next county. I think it's just an excuse to get out of the house. Or maybe his wife sends him out, telling him to go blow something.

I was thinking I should dig up a copy of the leaf blower song and send it his way. But then I thought, nah. Let the guy have his fun. I'm just glad his dog hasn't taken up the piano...

Leaders

Steven Harper, Canada

It wasn't planned, but September seems to have had lots of personalities make an appearance, so let's wind it up with a few world leaders.

I don't present these to denigrate anyone's character, but to celebrate the art of caricature.

Barack Obama, United States of America

A caricature is a rendered image showing the features of its subject in a simplified or exaggerated way. Some of the earliest caricatures are found in the works of Leonardo da Vinci, who actively sought people with interesting characteristics to use as models.

Vladimir Putin, Russia

Caricature experienced its first successes in the closed aristocratic circles of France and Italy, where such portraits could be passed about for mutual enjoyment. Indeed, enjoyment remains the purpose of this style of art, whether used for editorial purposes or drawn at a party for amusement.

David Cameron, United Kingdom

The term is derived from the Italian caricare—to charge or load. An early definition occurs in the English doctor Thomas Browne's Christian Morals, published posthumously in 1716. "When Men's faces are drawn with resemblance to some other Animals, the Italians call it, to be drawn in Caricatura."

Angela Merkel, Germany

These studies were done in Photoshop but most caricatures are still created by hand on paper (the real way to do them). Fun to play with, the trick is to exaggerate facial features and still be able to identify the person.

Have a great October everyone! 

Sorta Smart Mojo, Eh?

We all get sorta smart sometimes. When you get your sorta smart mojo going on, here are examples of things you might have thought about:
1) Drinking straws are not made of straw because if they were that would be way too literal
2) If curiosity kills the cat, you have to wonder what it was that got it so worked up
3) Autobiographies and autographs should generate themselves without asking
4) If pizzas had handles they wouldn't need boxes
5) Evidently “nothing that ketchup won't fix” is not an acceptable compliment the first time she cooks dinner
6) If your pillow is oddly furry you might have been sleeping on the cat
7) When your toilet doesn't flush, it doesn't mean it wants to keep it
8) Cell phones should really be microscopic in size
9) A site for “often confused English words” should not contain words that are only bewildered
10) Always finish your

The Dying Art Of Deadpan

No one is here to be funny. And I'm no exception. Although in a meeting once after a panel of psychologists complained that a video we produced contained only good looking women, after others on the team pointed out there were indeed two guys involved, I added, "And one of them was downright homely." I didn't say it to be funny. The guy was. But everyone laughed. Except the psychologists.

Others though, make serious intentionally funny. Ed Asner has a knack for that. In response to a question about what he attributed Betty White's longevity in show business he answered "all the trips to Romania to get those monkey gland shots."

It's the art of dry humor. Delivered deadpan.

Deadpan began many years ago when cavemen discovered that if you say something with a straight face other people don't really know you're not serious. And irony was born. Right after that Buster Keaton ("The Great Stone Face") pioneered the art in film comedy simply because he discovered the only way he could be funny was when he didn't laugh at his own jokes. His humor, coming from the era of vaudeville and silent pictures was largely physical. A subject he once covered with the apology, “I'm so sorry I fell down.”

If you like to sing but find your singing makes others ill, deadpan may be a good option for you. Basically, you can still sing inside but outside you do nothing with your voice but keep it right where it was when you started talking. Leslie Nielsen, who liked to sing but didn't really want to, preferred doing nothing although he once admitted, "Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished."

So, in summation, not only don't you have to sing, but you'll never be off-key and you'll never have to remember how the tune goes. And you won't have to decide what facial expressions to use because you only need one. (Which is easy on the facial muscles.) It's like simplifying your behavior. And your life.

Surely, that's a good thing.

(I know, I know. Don't call me Shirley.)

Internal Early Warning Systems

My internal Idontthinkso meter went off this week. The flashing lights were going off like crazy. You might have seen the glow on the horizon from where you are.

Basically the Idontthinkso meter is a plug in for my BS monitor. It adds a few more bells and whistles and lots more memory. It susses out things that from a distance look okay. It beeps once when a possibility of something iffy presents itself and sets off alarms when the possibility becomes, well, more than a possibility. Like when somebody makes like their motivations are altruistic but you know they're really all about getting the food from your plate. Or like governments when they want to take the public's mind off of something. They go "Oh, look over there!" and then slip out the door quietly when you're not looking. I've found the Idontthinkso meter pretty well foolproof when it comes to spotting this type of thing. I leave mine on all the time.

I installed it to complement my Dingaling 2.0 plug in. The Dingaling 2.0 lets you know when you're dealing with someone who just doesn't get it and indications are they probably never will. Like when they continue to stick their hand in a meat grinder and wonder why their manicure is all messed up. This one I've had to adjust to a high level of tolerance so it only goes off in extreme cases. There are just too many folks these days who have a difficult time tuning in that it would be constantly dingalinging if left at the factory settings. And that can be quite off-putting, like trying to concentrate with someone yelling Shakespeare sonnets backwards in your ear. The Dingaling 2.0 is not new technology to the market but sometimes the tried and true oldies are the best. And it's free but you have to work at getting it to function to capacity. It takes practice.

You need both of these meters in this day and age. They help you keep things in perspective and allow you to know whether to: 1) look into something more closely, or 2) feel sorry and slowly back away, while avoiding eye contact.

They may save your life one day.

It's Puppy Training Time

Meet Roscoe. He's a 12.5 pounder who carries a lot of weight around here. Twenty weeks old, pretty well house-trained, exhibits the ability to move in all directions at once and is always in a perplexingly good mood. He likes his bed in the kitchen, regularly tearing it apart and arranging the parts in strange, new places. And he loves to set his water free by digging in his dish with both front paws. Water tastes better when allowed to wander free-range after all.

Roscoe prefers two old socks tied together and found sticks in the yard over expensive store-bought toys and chew bones. He politely sits to get his leash clipped on and when offered a treat. He likes rides in the car and revels in how wind streaks through his fur. And he's taken quite the shine to the aloof, stray cat who hangs out at the local vet.

He is an amiable sort who is always interested in what you have to say and will listen attentively and graciously let you talk to him about practically anything you like, especially if the topic includes the odd "woof" and "grrrr".

It's been a long time since there's been a puppy in the house. And I'd forgotten what they add to one's life. Curiosity, bouncing enthusiasm, playfulness, craziness, and how a towel magically stops being something used to dry oneself and becomes something to duck under and rassle with. I don't think I ever knew that raindrops were something that could be chased and caught before they hit the ground. And I've rediscovered that cuddle time is anytime. Oh, and kisses and hugs should be given freely and without reason, logic or limitations.

See? My training is coming along nicely. :)

It's Not The Song, It's The Singer

"And I was booked once to go on 'Ed Sullivan' and I got bumped and ran out the back door crying." ~ Aretha Franklin

 "One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain." ~ Bob Marley

"If I hold back, I'm no good. I'm no good. I'd rather be good sometimes, than holding back all the time." ~ Janis Joplin

"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted." ~ John Lennon

Listen. See. Feel. Aretha's soulful, iconic gospel strains. The tug of Bob's reggae beat (ya mon). The gritty tears of Janis' blues rock. Your private wishes and dreams echoed in John's ballads. It is the spark that ignites verve and vigor, presented by someone with the courage to show a unique, human quality. It is imperfection not polish – it is boldness not braggartry – struggle not entitlement and speaks of challenge; not complacency. It is the difference between "a one and only" and "just another".

They break through with passion, truth and vision. And yes; frailty. Real people with real cracks. Perhaps within their magic lies the reason why others who fall prey to shallow phrases and tawdry acts flounder in the weeds. Because we have seen real and cannot be denied.

We all speak to a savvy audience. They hear, see and feel the heart behind sounds, pictures and words. 

Especially when it's missing.

 

Fonetically Speeking, Of Corse

The English language is so silly (and one of the most difficult to learn). Seems like we're at the whim of spelling rules that aren't uniform across the spectrum.

If we were allowed to spell words like we pronounce them, writing would be so much more funner.

If you're a strict linguist, I offer my apologies, because you're probably writhing on the floor gnashing your teeth and frothing at the mouth after looking at the above visuals.

Please feel free to contact me once the effects wear off for a translation...

Oil Of The Snake

In the history of mankind there has never been a more misunderstood human being than the snake-oil salesman. Ever since money became a religion, there have been those with maligned goods, making the best of challenging opportunities and misinterpreted promises of wealth and well being. I am in awe.

They'd roll into town and sell to unsuspecting ya-hoos and leave town before they realize they'd been taken. The first recorded case of this genius came from Stanley's Snake Oil—produced by Clark Stanley, the “Rattlesnake King”. It claimed to be “the strongest and best liniment known for the cure of all pain and lameness.” Its advertising claimed it treated “rheumatism, neuralgia, sciatica, lame back, lumbago, contracted muscles, toothache, sprains, swellings, etc.”  Promising “immediate relief,” it sold for fifty cents a bottle. When tested in 1917 by the government, it was found to contain no actual oil extracted from actual snakes. The government sued poor Clark for misrepresenting his product, won a judgment of $20 and “snake oil” soon after became synonymous with false cures and "snake-oil salesmen" became a synonym for charlatans.

Today, we have those that would offer bracelets that protect us from negative ions, spam emails that rely on sheer numbers to drive people to bogus sites, offer everything from funeral plans to fork lifts to amazing offers really designed to park a virus on your computer.  The messages that are out to convince receivers that they have won a lottery, free credit checks, Nigerian offers and inheritances from previously unknown relatives. Genius.

Earl Jones: 2010 Scammed people in a similar fashion to Madoff. He received
over $50.3 million,
- See more at: http://www.charlatan.ca/2012/09/famous-charlatans/#sthash.GygtZg9M.dpuf

Earl Jones: 2010 Scammed people in a similar fashion to Madoff. He received
over $50.3 million, but did not invest in it and rather spent investors money for
lavish lifestyle. He defrauded many people, including his own family— his brother
and sister-in-law, who did lose $1 million. Jones collected money from individuals
and estates, but returned the same money as monthly interest payments.
Martha Stewart: 2004 –Found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of justice
and two counts of making false statements in connection with sale of stocks of
a bio-tech company. She had lost 4000 shares of Imclone, which is part of the
company she invested, which had collapsing stocks.
Lou Pearlman: 2006 - Mogul of boy bands such as N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys.
In 1981 he started Trans Continental Airlines Travel Services, Trans Continental
Airlines Inc and 12 other companies. But they only exited on paper. Shares of
these companies were sold to investors, and he got loans from banks. He invented
a fake accounting firm, and a fake branch in Germany. Tax returns were falsified.
This lasted for 20 years, and cost $300 million.
Reed Slatkin: 2000 - Scientology minister and co-founder of Earthlink, acted as an
investor for Hollywood residents and corporate bosses. He worked out of his
garage and tricked the wealthy out of $ 593 million dollars, with fake statements,
and fake mortgage firms. He was caught in 2000.
Michael Eugene Kelly: 2009- He scammed seniors and retirees of about $428 million
dollars. He let them invest in fake Timeshares in Cancun hotels called “Universal
Leases”. Investors were to get a good fixed rate in return, but they did not, and
Kelly used the money to buy himself yachts and a private jet among other things.
Gerald Payne/Greater Ministries International: 1990′s- Based in Florida,
the church used Bible speak to cheat church goers of $500 million dollars.
Worshippers were able to invest in gold coins. Payne made an investment plan
where the worshippers should have made money, yet he funneled money towards
the church’s fake metals investment and therefore kept the money
- See more at: http://www.charlatan.ca/2012/09/famous-charlatans/#sthash.GygtZg9M.dpuf

Earl Jones: 2010 Scammed people in a similar fashion to Madoff. He received
over $50.3 million, but did not invest in it and rather spent investors money for
lavish lifestyle. He defrauded many people, including his own family— his brother
and sister-in-law, who did lose $1 million. Jones collected money from individuals
and estates, but returned the same money as monthly interest payments.
Martha Stewart: 2004 –Found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of justice
and two counts of making false statements in connection with sale of stocks of
a bio-tech company. She had lost 4000 shares of Imclone, which is part of the
company she invested, which had collapsing stocks.
Lou Pearlman: 2006 - Mogul of boy bands such as N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys.
In 1981 he started Trans Continental Airlines Travel Services, Trans Continental
Airlines Inc and 12 other companies. But they only exited on paper. Shares of
these companies were sold to investors, and he got loans from banks. He invented
a fake accounting firm, and a fake branch in Germany. Tax returns were falsified.
This lasted for 20 years, and cost $300 million.
Reed Slatkin: 2000 - Scientology minister and co-founder of Earthlink, acted as an
investor for Hollywood residents and corporate bosses. He worked out of his
garage and tricked the wealthy out of $ 593 million dollars, with fake statements,
and fake mortgage firms. He was caught in 2000.
Michael Eugene Kelly: 2009- He scammed seniors and retirees of about $428 million
dollars. He let them invest in fake Timeshares in Cancun hotels called “Universal
Leases”. Investors were to get a good fixed rate in return, but they did not, and
Kelly used the money to buy himself yachts and a private jet among other things.
Gerald Payne/Greater Ministries International: 1990′s- Based in Florida,
the church used Bible speak to cheat church goers of $500 million dollars.
Worshippers were able to invest in gold coins. Payne made an investment plan
where the worshippers should have made money, yet he funneled money towards
the church’s fake metals investment and therefore kept the money
- See more at: http://www.charlatan.ca/2012/09/famous-charlatans/#sthash.GygtZg9M.dpuf

Join me as we celebrate those that find the fortitude to profit from gullibility.

--------------------

(I jest of course.)

The World Of Actionable Offenses

Chemical weapons have caused more than one million casualties globally since World War I (by all sides). The Geneva Protocol, which prohibited the use of chemical weapons in warfare, was signed in 1925. It had many loopholes, including allowing member countries to use them against nonmember countries who had chemical weapons stockpiled. Currently, 189 nations, representing about 98% of the global population, have joined the Chemical Weapons Convention (CWC): to verify the destruction of chemical weapons; to prevent their re-emergence in any member State; and to provide protection and assistance against chemical weapons.

In recent days we saw a concerted effort to gather support for a military act of retaliation, due to use of chemical weapons by a regime (who isn't a member State of the CWC) against its own citizens. More than one country has voted against military reprisals due to the possible ramifications of getting involved in a complicated civil war.

Action was not considered because innocent people, including children, were killed. It was because a weapon that was banned in most of the world was used.

Ask a humanitarian agency for options and you will get humanitarian probabilities. Ask a military force for a solution and they will give you a military solution. Truth is, killing to avenge killing in any situation has never accomplished anything but more dead bodies and fuel for a bigger fire.

Any act of violence, any crime against citizenry by their governing bodies or opposing factions is reprehensible. And those who would arm, finance or supply these civil wars are also culpable. Imagine bombing without bombs, shooting civilians without ammunition...

In a proactive world perhaps peaceful, multinational action could have been taken long before atrocities were committed, before certain weapons were used and before military action is promoted to be the only viable action.

Then maybe, this would be more of a love story.

It's Time To Get Serious, Ain't It?

Exhibit 1(a)69, Part B: The Despicable Belly Laugh

I've been thinking a lot lately about being more grown up, acting more responsibly and setting goals so that I can live a more planned, productive life. After much thought I realize that in order to do so I have to lose the lighthearted stuff. Because we can get carried away, especially when in the company of others who don't possess a sense of humor, who would look upon us laughers as worthless goofballs who are full of nonsense. (Which we are, of course, it's just they say it with such distaste.) And they say things like, "Oh don't encourage him." and roll their eyes, smile politely and give each other knowing looks.

After all, sheer hysteria may be just around the corner. Exhibiting such carefree behavior on a regular basis can be indicative of simple mindedness and may be signs of consumption of wine without cheese and crackers; unaccompanied by those little cocktail weenies.

You are susceptible to this boorish behavior if you wear fuzzy slippers to the mall, antennas on your head, collect joy buzzers and whoopie cushions, have the urge to listen to old Firesign Theater records, envision yourself in either the Life of Brian or A Fish Called Wanda and hoard old photos of Red Skelton, the Marx Brothers or Jonathan Winters or Art Carney. There are more symptoms but you get my drift.

Belly laughs are the worst. An indication of total loss of control. Exhibiting mirth is a weakness; detrimental to your public image. Normal people know that chuckles and giggles don't put money in the bank. Cracking up with a howl and roar doesn't get business done. Even a suppressed snort is unacceptable. If you're distinguished you might come up with a chortle or a titter or two (just to be polite and get past the moment) but that's about it.

So if you dabble in the black art of rolling in the aisles you are in constant peril of being undervalued. You probably began at an early age, doing things like dressing up Barbie in inappropriate ways, squirting milk out your nose and making rude noises with body parts. If you are amongst those who tell off-color jokes just to make someone split their sides and find fun places to hide cooked peas; you are in danger of going right 'round the bend.

So get serious. Please. I implore you. Before it's too late.

The Interweb Version Of A Person Of Interest

In a digital world, where everyone with a computer and access now has an opportunity to become someone of interest to others, we have to ask ourselves, "Is this a valid person of interest to me?" Some folks take advantage of the free media to become more than who they really are, or to sell something, or to advertise something for someone else to sell. It is becoming more difficult to separate a true person of interest from an adventurist or charlatan.

Following, are a few tips that may help in your perusal of the offerings online and your determination of whether the site you visit or the article you read should be seen as the interweb version of a person of interest:
1) Take anyone who offers you "several valuable tips" at face value (my bad)
2) Forgive the gurus, experts and those who preach what is good for you; because they know not what they do. They are bound to write offering generalized wisdom they've heard from others who heard it quoted from others; advice or information that may or may not have substance. And forgive those who would preach their moral values and define the wrongs of the world for you in an emotive manner. For they too are allowed to rant
3) Tread lightly around sites that present you with an immediate pop-up that urges you to register before you are even able to see what's on the site. These may be ones you find little value in and who will be peppering you with frequent spam emails forevermore, with no easy way to opt out, and
4) Watch for those sites offering fast professional services for a low dollar figure. If you're looking for online help to fill a business need and access a crowdsourcing site that offers fast and cheap services; you will not only get what you pay for but will also be subverting the value of true professionals in your area.

You probably already know all this.

--------------------------------

This post marks my 500th blog entry. And they haven't kicked me off (yet). In the almighty words of Archie Bunker, "Whoop de doo, whoop de doo, whoop de doo."

Thanks for reading. 

Warning: Health Risks Of Game Play

Are you a games person? Is Saturday night games night at your house? Maybe friends come over for a few laughs and a round of poker or couples get together for a rousing game of bridge or possibly you play internet games against people in other countries. Or maybe chess is your game, or crazy eights, Risk or that game where you surgically take the organs out of the mechanical human being without the alarm going off and his nose lighting up. Good for you. Have fun.

But folks should be aware that the act of playing games may pose a health risk for some. Serious symptoms during gameplaying have been noted in clinical tests around the world. And people noticing these themselves should be advised to consider immediately avoid playing with and ban games of any sort from their house, computers and smart phones.

Symptoms may include the spontaneous invention of new swear words, headaches due to repeated head banging, and tooth erosion due to uncontrollable grinding of the jaws. Be warned that continued long term exposure causes some people to act in a way they haven't since childhood: temper tantrums and toilets blocked with foreign objects (i.e. playing cards and Monopoly game pieces). Good friends and loving couples may begin to suddenly detest each other. It is advised to stop playing if your neighbors complain about things like scrabble letters embedded in their aluminum siding or when the fire department doesn't share your pleasure of an evening roasting marshmallows around a burning X-Box console in the middle of the front yard. This is especially recommended when the fire is accompanied by painted, naked bodies doing a war dance (an act also known to prompt more than one call to the police).

Scientists are puzzled at the cause of this phenomena, one that strikes randomly and without gender discrimination. Games themselves do not appear to be the cause but removing them at the first sign of any irritability, discomfort or hair loss may be a good idea.