The Leaf Blower Song

There is a traditional autumn folksong that goes, “What is the penalty for shoving a leaf blower up an 83-year-old's ying-yang?” Surely, you've heard it. It's like a soft, sweet, loving ballad. It was a real hit back in the days of “Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?” and enjoys a brief resurgence every year at about this time.

I don't recall that the lyrics ever go on to supply an answer to the age-old puzzles and I suspect both the leaf blower and the chewing gum questions are rhetorical, but I've been thinking about the leaf blower one lately. I certainly wouldn't expect the consequences would be pleasant as the courts generally frown on things done to octogenarians as a consequence of their playing with power tools.

If you've never heard a leaf blower... can I come live with you? The sound they make can be described as a “stentorian belch” with an effect on a peaceful environment akin to dragging a “chainsaw through a Monet.” They are said to have been invented either by the Japanese (what didn't they invent?) or by a guy named Dom Quinto in the late 1950s as a chemical spraying machine, who soon found customers taking off the chemical spraying bits and using the rest of the machine to create fun dust storms. In any event a new product was born; one that generates wind speeds of up to 270 miles per hour, has the power to put small pebbles through car doors and holds future potential (for me anyway) as a personal hovercraft.

I got a guy here in the neighborhood who just loves his. It doesn't matter if the leaves are down or not, he just likes to go outside and blow stuff around. He'll cut the grass when it doesn't need cutting just so he can get out the blower and send the clippings into the next county. I think it's just an excuse to get out of the house. Or maybe his wife sends him out, telling him to go blow something.

I was thinking I should dig up a copy of the leaf blower song and send it his way. But then I thought, nah. Let the guy have his fun. I'm just glad his dog hasn't taken up the piano...