Monday, November 4, 2013

Does It Hurt When You Do That?

Whoever said "No pain; no gain" must have been thinking of the pioneers of social media business presence. From their example we have learned certain fun practices to adopt when engaging with folk on the interweb... especially if you're masochistic or just totally into pain:
1) Knocking your head against the wall. If you have a company social media presence (FB, Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+, etc.) forget all the nonsense about it being all about conversations and engagement. Your job is to announce and preach. Short and sweet. And don't forget to remind people to comment when they don't, because they appreciate the edgy panic in your words
2) Poking yourself in the eye. Don't post for months and then, in the space of an hour, bombard all your followers with dozens of tweets, retweets and retweets that (obviously) you really sent yourself under a different account name; be sure to copy all tweets to your facebook updates and email these same folks directly as well just in case. They'll thank you for livening up their day
3) Hitting one's midsection with blunt objects. The interweb is not just a tool in the toolbox, it is the whole tool superstore. Because Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and YouTube accounts are free and websites are relatively inexpensive to keep and update, don't bother keeping your traditional paid media ads running. Save money and be a hero to your accountants. After all, everyone is on the interweb these days
4) Shooting yourself in the foot. When people comment negatively, or complain online make sure you don't appear soft. Show them who is boss and, if you find multiple people all making the same complaint across all your social media outlets, make sure all your staff respond to everyone with exactly the same, vaguely worded script. Varying your message to personalize replies is a sign of weakness
5) Holding your breath until you get dizzy. Have your web content ruled solely by proven keywords to get the most SEO effectiveness possible. Don't worry if it is difficult to understand, people don't read content anyway – the main thing is to get people to your site. Draw their eye away with stock photos of things like happy families and vast, inspirational vistas. The rest will take care of itself, and
6) Flogging with a wet noodle. Also be sure to post the same message in all your tweets, page updates and discussion groups for months on end, don't worry about being repetitive – some people just don't get it the first few dozen times they see something. Hire young social media gurus (like a student, or your nephew with a computer in his basement or better yet, an unpaid intern) to maintain everything on a day-to-day basis. They are most likely to have their own Twitter account and Facebook page and already know the lingo and cool abbreviations.

By following the above six handy tried and true practices, you'll be following in the footsteps of many who have learned how to interweb the hard way.


  1. It can be repetitive, eh? I like flipboard. I can quickly see what it is I've already read or seen