Monday, November 25, 2013

Cover Your Pizza... Please

"You'd better cut that pizza into four slices because I'm not hungry enough to eat six." ~ Yogi Berra

Maybe becoming an adult does this to you but over the years just I have not only adopted the practice of being fully dressed at all times I have come to prefer my pizza the same way. If I discover a naked pizza in my house I will immediately avert my gaze and rush to throw something on it to preserve its dignity.

Traditional pizza fashion allows for the wearing of a whole variety of items (some things never go out of style). Pepperoni, peppers, onions, olives, mushrooms and a mountain of shredded mozzarella cheese are standard coverings for the typical all dressed pie. I've had steak pizzas that spoke to me in loving tones, hot-hot-hot Mexican pizzas that spoke to me again at the other end the next morning and New Age yuppie wood-oven pizzas with things like pine nuts and smoked salmon that I had to hum Yanni tunes interspersed with rapping beat poetry to get down. Whatever you choose to throw on yours must most definitely hide all that is saucy because it is only proper etiquette that civilized pizzas should never show their sauce.

Of course, I've never dressed myself in any of this stuff – that would just be too kinky. Pizzas, however, are made to be dressed in edible garb. While some wouldn't classify anchovies as edible, everything else you'd normally dress pizzas with generally qualifies as eat-worthy. This qualification does not apply to what people adorn their bodies with. Folks who wear edible clothing tend to begin to smell rancid after a short while if they're not in sub-zero weather. And even then they attract polar bears.

Exactly what I wear is a matter of personal taste and what goes on my pizza is as well. The truth remains, people and pizza share one thing in common. Both should always be properly attired.