Wednesday, November 21, 2012

My Brain Needs Turning On

I wish I was one of those guys who could turn their brain on at will. Mine goes into sleep mode far too often these days.

Some people say keeping your brain turned on regularly is a very dangerous thing to do. Other people may notice and begin to expect it of you all the time. But I believe in the old adage "Abuse it or lose it." Wait, that's "Use it or lose it." (Freudian slip)

So I have to get my brain turned on soon. I know this because:
1) Neighborhood Watch has placed me on its "Zombie Watch List"
2) My GP tells me if I stay mellow for much longer I could permanently lose my ability to be persnickety
3) The Rip Van Winkle Society keeps calling asking me to be their new poster boy
4) There's a picture of me on milk cartons under the headline "Missing"
5) The power company shut off my electricity and I didn't notice for two weeks
6) The cat's taken up residence on my chest and I now have a permanent indentation
7) People talk about me like I'm not even in the room
8) I'm listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's largest paperweight
9) The International Garbageworkers Union has filed a grievance, suspicious I'm taking my trash to the dump myself
10) I know it's Wednesday but I'm just not quite sure what week (or year).

So I have to flip my switch. I think I'll need the heavy duty treatment: head banging music and strong coffee. Let's see if my coffeemaker is where I think I left it. And if I own milk that isn't so far past its best before date that it's a health hazard.

If you smell smoke I'm told that's normal.

I may need jumper cables so stay close to your phone.