Sunday, August 19, 2012

Quotes I Haven't Said (Yet), II (2, or Two, or Deux)

"So, I met some seedless grapes today. They were talking about artificial insemination..."

"Is it okay to out-troduce yourself to someone you never should have been introduced to?"

"I used to enjoy light reading but the bright bulb kept burning my eyeballs so I had to give it up."

"If I had six arms and someone cut off four I'd be the very same person I am today."

"Is it still called housebound if you decide not to leave the house for eleven months?"

"Once I had a client who became apathetic so I booked him for a client service appointment. Turns out he just needed a salad oil change."

"After years of experimentation I've decided I prefer my cocktails stirred and not shaken. It's hard keeping it in the glass and I got tired of wiping martinis off my ceiling."

"I'm glad lemons don't have lips because they'd probably be all yellow and sour and puckered up and who wants that?"

"Is it okay to sing Hail to the Chief if it's just snowing lightly?"

"I have two positions; you're right and I'm probably wrong and I'm wrong and you're probably right."

"She had a voice that could make your eyes bleed and a breath that could strip wallpaper. Being her exact opposite, I was attracted."

"I break the ice with people by saying, "You know, you and I are the only two good looking people here." It helps if you're ugly, they are too and it's all so totally ironic."

"I often have brief conversations with inanimate objects. I'm always right because I understand how they are. I am the microwave whisperer."


  1. Rand, you continue to awe me with your wit and humor. What I wouldn't give to be a fly on your wall, observing you talking to inanimate objects and shaking a martini. With any luck I'd become a pet.

    1. Thank you Kristy. Appreciate it! Have you met Hubert? (