"Is it okay to out-troduce yourself to someone you never should have been introduced to?"
"I used to enjoy light reading but the bright bulb kept burning my eyeballs so I had to give it up."
"If I had six arms and someone cut off four I'd be the very same person I am today."
"Is it still called housebound if you decide not to leave the house for eleven months?"
"After years of experimentation I've decided I prefer my cocktails stirred and not shaken. It's hard keeping it in the glass and I got tired of wiping martinis off my ceiling."
"I'm glad lemons don't have lips because they'd probably be all yellow and sour and puckered up and who wants that?"
"I have two positions; you're right and I'm probably wrong and I'm wrong and you're probably right."
"She had a voice that could make your eyes bleed and a breath that could strip wallpaper. Being her exact opposite, I was attracted."
"I break the ice with people by saying, "You know, you and I are the only two good looking people here." It helps if you're ugly, they are too and it's all so totally ironic."
"I often have brief conversations with inanimate objects. I'm always right because I understand how they are. I am the microwave whisperer."