Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Boning Up On Public Transit

Big city living brings a number of wonderful experiences. If you are new to the city, before long you're bound to witness these huge machines totally packed with people lumbering down the street. Do not panic. These people are not being kidnapped or forced into a ragtag militia against their will. They are using vehicles called buses, a public transit service, and can get on and off at will.

In order to use one yourself, simply wait at a bus stop and when a bus approaches, take a step towards the curb (do not step off the curb) and concentrate like you want the bus to stop. It's sort of a psychic thing. The doors will open automatically – there's no need to pry them open. Buses come with a driver so there is no need to offer to drive for a while. Simply chip in some cash to help pay for gas and grab a seat.

You may notice that people bring along certain items and demonstrate unique behaviors to help make their journey a safe and entertaining one:

Accessories: A helmet is great for inducing helmet hair and reducing the amount of brain trauma associated with engine vibration, sudden stops and potholes. A spotlight attached to the helmet is useful in case of an unexpected tunnel. Sound suppressing headphones reduce the air pollution caused by headbanger music coming from the guy next to you. You'll see people bringing water bottles to keep from becoming dehydrated but you may want to consider the personal IV drip. They're flexible in tight spaces and can also be used to refill your water pistol (good for small brats). Displaying a ceremonial symbol of power will remind others that you don't really need to take public transit but are doing so to help the environment (bonus points if it comes with GPS and an emergency beacon). An accessory Batman-style pouch, even if empty, is impressive. Be sure to bring along your own personal mobility devices (i.e. feet, wheels). You'll need them to get to and from the bus stop.

Attributes: Try to train one eye to monitor the road ahead for your stop and have the other eye watch for shady characters looking to rip off your wallet. And if you can grab a couple of flying bugs while you're waiting for the bus, let them loose after you sit down. This will help keep people from getting too close. Demonstrating an oral fixation with something like a bubble pipe can be useful as well, and a pair of loud honkers, judiciously used, may gain you a seat in a crowded bus.

Properly prepared, riding the bus is a pleasant and convenient benefit of living in the big city.


  1. Excellent advice. I used to ride the bus many moons ago, and all of this reminds me why I bought a car. Thanks for making me laugh today!

  2. Hmm. In my bus- and metro-taking days, I was equipped with a back-pack and a stroller with an actually baby as an accessory. I would prop all my groceries and other purchases on the top and off the handles and in the bottom basket. The baby accessory was very good for getting a gentleman to help me bring my purchases up and down the metro steps.

    I hear they are retro-fitting the metro stations to put in elevators. Makes me think of the good ol' days.

    1. Geez, I never thought of "the baby accessory". Genius!