Six "Your Life Is Not Complete" Marketing Tips

The subject today is how to get people to think they're improving their lives when what they're really doing is paying for your oceanfront condo in an exotic locale (and we're not talking time share here).

There is a little-known symbiotic relationship that all humans have with a creature called a Needybug. Since the beginning of time, in return for sustenance and a place to hang out, these helpful creatures tell people when they need food, sleep, shelter, comfort and love. (I'm sure I'm missing one or two, not being Maslow.) Left sadly neglected, Needybugs are cuddly, fluffy and play a mean game of foosball.

Savvy marketers have discovered stimuli that helps Needybugs grow to their full potential. This causes cash to fly from pockets of their hosts to pay for stuff even they didn't know they needed. The secret lies in these six key techniques:

1. Base messages on 'not enough' issues (such as 'not skinny enough, not pretty enough' or 'not clean enough'). This effectively preys on insecurities based on superficial social values
2. Include heart-rending images, such as caged puppies, starving children (with flies), melting glaciers and polar bears, or old people crying behind rain streaked windows
3. Show someone insanely bungling tasks prior to demonstrating your device. This emphasizes the positive benefits you bring to market
4. Use before and after pictures of previously fat, bald, unfit, hairy or ugly people with no love life, who are now perfect in every way (and their families love them again)
5. Prompt people to "call now" or "call in the next ten minutes" accompanied by a large flashing phone number and provide an incentive bonus (just pay shipping and handling). This helps create a sense of urgency
6. Buy entire blocks of airtime to repeat the same message over and over again ad nauseum.

By applying these simple and effective Needybug development strategies to your marketing, you'll find yourself raking in the moola and sailing the silky seas of success in no time at all!

(Ed. Note: The above is total drivel and aspiring marketers should disregard.)