Saturday, April 12, 2014

Flatulence By Broccoli

Polite society has always frowned on open discussion of bodily functions but even the best of us sometimes, given the right company and circumstances, cannot suppress a tiny giggle inside when someone toots and blames it on the dog. Truth is, if we're healthy, we all pass gas. Up to 10 farts a day is not unusual. And it seems like a common consensus that broccoli farts are among the "most remarkable". The Mayo Clinic notes that a high-fiber vegetables, such as broccoli, cabbage and sprouts produce the most aromatic of emissions. The fact that these vegetables contain significant amounts of (very healthy) sulfur within their nutrients also contributes to the fact that farts tend to smell extra special for a few hours after consumption. Broccoli and other fibrous vegetables can be difficult to digest by the body, so the intestine creates excess gas. Science has determined that foods which contain galactans (fructose with a molecule of galactose attached) are found in legumes (beans, lentils, etc), Brussels sprouts, and broccoli.

The safety zone of broccoli induced emissions in open air is said to be 10 yards. In enclosed spaces, it is at its most effective and often likened to chemical warfare (mustard gas comes to mind). Entire offices have said to be cleared by a single, even silent, toot. Cabs with closed windows are reported to be the most eye watering. And elevators often prove most effective in terms of social impact.

If you have the gift of extreme and constant flatulence, you might consider pursuing a career as a flatulist. Saint Augustine himself had nothing but high praise for the men who possessed such “command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at will, so as to produce the effect of singing.” Whatever your spiritual inclination (or non-inclination), we can all appreciate a religious man who admires artistic achievement.

Here's George...



  1. My sister confessed recently: "I'm 48 years old, and I still find farts funny." I've always felt it's important to share the broccoli, that way we can all suffer (and giggle) as one.

    As for the the thoughts of religious men, my German father would, after a good meal, often quote Martin Luther: "Warum nicht Sie rülpsen und furzen? Hat Ihnen das Essen nicht?", which translates as "Why don't you burp and fart? Didn't you enjoy the meal?"

    My Scottish mother would roll her eyes; she preferred jokes about willies and fat bottoms.

    1. May all your meals end with a good furzen

  2. I once met the principle flatulist of the Toronto Symphony at a cocktail party. She was a most engaging and impressively talented individual:-)