Sunday, July 6, 2014

Refueling The Ol' Grey Matter On The Interweb

It seems there are as many ways of getting ourselves mentally fueled up these days as there are people. On the surface the process of revving up our brain appears to be simply accessing whatever turns our crank. But I've found there are people that get energized on the web from the same sort of stimuli. And being both borderline obsessive-compulsive and curious I've conducted a highly scientific study. Here, from my preliminary research and in no particular order, are some of the initial classification groups:

The Rabble. If it's possible we can self charge our brains with BS, these folks would all be Energizer Bunnies. They get off on making rude and archaic comments, enraging other people in a conversation and getting people's blood pressure to spike. They all have interweb names made up from bad spelling and rude comments and quote Larry The Cable Guy. They all come from a special conspiracy group led by very rich people who hang out near schoolyard fences and train these individuals from an early age. They have fury faces, wear polyester no-iron clothing with white shoes and sport heavy gold in the shape of various zodiac signs. This group is great for those that like to argue without reserve, put others down regularly and dismiss intelligence as unimportant.

The Goodies. This rare breed of individuals are motivated by lofty goals and membership in this group is reserved for a special few. Their brain fuel comes from the pursuit of answers to ideological matters, injustices, the plight of others less fortunate than themselves, the drive to fix things that may or may not need fixing and the academic need to publish a few highly regarded research papers. They are apt to have bad haircuts, initials as their first name or hyphenated last names, wear cumberbuns with bow ties or poorly fitted clothing that may or may not have been living room drapes at some time and suffer from either hemorrhoids or bad digestion. Other than those few clues they are difficult to spot because they tend to be quiet and reserved because they really don't like associating with stupid people and are apt to divert any praise that comes their way onto others in order to look philanthropic. If you'd like to have someone around intelligent enough to know not to say anything stupid, these are the people to search out.

The Sloggers. Then there are the common Joes, the ones who are more motivated by the necessity to (shudder) make a living and pay bills. Nice, down to earth folks. Salt of the earth. They drink discount domestic beer from the bottle, sneer at fine crystal, shop at big box stores using those neat electric 3-wheeler go-carts while towing three toddlers on leashes, long to have grand adventures and enjoy the pleasures wrongly denied them, but often find they have to shift energies to fix something broken in their 1996 pick-up. Their goal is not to inflame grand passions in others but simply to keep their foot on the gas and make their way steadily through life until their children are old enough to support them. Radical subsections of this group include the Whiny Criers, the Tempest Teapots and the Bragging Bozos.

The LOLers. These are the folks that would rather be fueled by finding and reacting to the lighthearted stuff in life: memes, lame cartoons by unintelligent 12-year-olds, awkward comments about your mother's sex life and painful pictures of people falling while attempting death-defying acts. They love slapstick and you can often find them laughing while imagining other people's pratfalls. You'll never hear a serious word come from them and they often rely on run-on sentences to make their wacky points because, after all, there is no point at all but maybe they'll stumble across one if they go on and on and on and on long enough and they believe their group is the best because there's just too much serious sh*t going on and too many asshats out there. Laughing with people is a great way of recharging, of course, and this is a nice group to visit with. One can take LOLing too far, though. More than three LOLs in one sentence may give people the impression you're low on independent thought.

Whatever unique motivations fuel you; there is no right and wrong. How you fuel up is part of the special quality of your character. At the end of the day, may your tanks be topped up and your wheels be pointing to a positive place.


  1. I know which kind of person I'd like to be, but maybe we're all of the above at one time or another?