Let Us Celebrate Our Nuts

(No nuts were harmed during the making of the above photo.)

What kind of friend would allow their good name to be used just so anyone in a tight spot would have a easy way to describe how they feel? Take the phrase, "Got my nuts in a vise." People use this expression and everyone instantly makes a face and goes "Ouch!" But it's not like they really mean "nuts", of course. Nuts just allow their moniker to be used. Because they're tough, unlike the body part that they're subbing for. Because, that's just the type of giving personalities they are.

Not in the entire history of mankind has there been a more magnanimous edible than the nut. They physically give of themselves at their moment of ripetitude (new word) for the benefit of humanity – giving up any chance at a higher education, long life and easy retirement to a long term care facility next to a 9-hole mini-putt (with prunes for breakfast and weekly trips to the casino). But that's not all. Nothing is more ounce-for-ounce as accommodating as our nuts.

This feisty seed-fruit does not hesitate to sacrifice its dignity to allow us to label our unfortunately foolish, eccentric, crazy or otherwise sanity-challenged people "nuts", "nutty", "nut bars" or "nut jobs". To be "off your nut" is seen as a temporary thing because evidently you can get back on when you're done being a bit crazy.

What do we affectionately call those silly geeks, info junkies and rabid enthusiasts who spend an inordinate amount of time and energy focused on a particular activity? We call them nuts (with a qualifier) of course; as in sports nut or car nut or those-things-that-people-collect-and-we-don't-know-why nut.

And what is a difficult person to get through to but a tough nut to crack. Why, some folks even yell, "Aw, NUTS!" in times of extreme frustration. Do we yell, "Aw, BEEFSTEAKS" or "Aw POMEGRANATES"? No-o-o-o.

Nuts have a distinguished history. South American gods invented peanuts 3,500 years ago deep in the Brazilian Amazon Rainforest (where they had like a secret laboratory). The Incans of Peru in 1500 B.C. used virgin peanuts as sacrificial offerings and entombed them with their mummies to give them something nutritious to snack on in their spirit life. P.T. Barnum himself made fresh roasted nuts famous throughout America. Today, they're revered by many in various ways: raw, sprouted, roasted and in satay sauce. Their oil is used for cooking and even made into cosmetics (to outwardly preserve, in a way, our present day mummies). And as long as you're not deathly allergic, people that eat nuts are said to live years longer than those who don't.

Nuts come prepackaged in natural crash-proof containers. Even some animals who own nutcrackers like them; particularly jays and squirrels – who without acorns would all do the crash diet thing every winter.

And when we yell the celebratory "Nuts to you!" the nuts all cheer. Not only do they have a sense of humor, they're just happy to be included in the conversation, especially liking it when someone informs another, "If they made hats the size of your brain you'd be wearing a peanut shell." And they're proud to be included in the Shakespearean declarations including, "A fusty nut with no kernel" (Troilus and Cressida). Fusty nut. That's just so classy.

These are great little guys, well deserving of our respect.

Let us show our nuts they are loved.

Let's have a declaration and an outpouring of nut love. And a letter from the queen. We'll have a nut party. With nut fudge sundaes. Yeah, that's it... with sprinkles.

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." ~ Redd Foxx