Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Top 10 Losers of 2012

Well, Christmas is over and this here teabag is just about all steeped out.

Last December I pledged to make 2012 free of personal angst and, looking back, I think I did pretty darned good. Oh, I got excitable a few times but nothing messy. Over the year more than a few people told me they were expecting to find me curled up in the fetal position on the floor, crying wails of self pity. But you'd be surprised at what a little denial, a fair amount of sublimation and never, ever looking at oneself in the mirror will do for one.

As I prepare to wax poetically on world events over the past year, my thinking is, if you're going to be a loser, you might as well be amongst the best of the bunch. These folks have earned my undying respect for doing just that:

1) That Facebook Geek: You know who he is. He was one of the youngest and fastest billionaires in the world. But unveiling his IPO this year was not the critical success it was hoped to be and he stands to lose 8.1 billion bucks. That's a whopper of a home page status update for you
2) NHLPA and the NHL: Rich players and richer owners are playing fans as suckers in the belief they will remain devoted to the game despite losing what is now half an entire season with a labor dispute. They believe the fans can't wake up, bid the NHL adieu and usher in a return to the glory days of hockey when it was a sport played by poor people with a genuine love for the game. These guys score big in my net
3) The Ex-Champion Bicycle Racer: It only took a thousand page report to reveal a sophisticated program of doping, stripping this guy of his titles, banning him from competitive cycling for-like-ever, losing his multiple endorsement deals, and forcing him to step down as chairman of his charitable organization. When Lance goes down, he doesn't fool around
4) Apple Maps: Australian police called the app "life-threatening." It was supposed to be Apple's in-house replacement to Google Maps, but offered landmarks moved to random locations, other locations dropping off the map entirely, and 3-D pictures that reminded users of a bad acid trip. How these guys managed to get Mr. Jobs to roll over in his grave is truly awe inspiring...
5) That Guy Who Didn't Win The U.S. Presidency: From my vantage point this guy could make a fortune, if he didn't have one already, giving lessons in changing stories as you go along to suit your own purposes. Recently, I hear he said he didn't want to run in the first place but his wife talked him into it. Wow. He just never stops
6) Hello LiLo: Personally, I never understood the allure, but despite an attempt at a career comeback playing Elizabeth Taylor on the small screen, her numerous run-ins with the law, family drama and hospitalizations has been like watching a train wreck in beautiful slow motion. I am in total awe.
7) Crackberry: I admit going through the ten-step program to get off of RIM's devices a few years ago. And despite the fact there have been a few delays in the release of its new product, the new management team continues to up their dosage and refuses to admit a lack of pulse. Just wow
8) Twinkies Makers: Hostess declares bankruptcy, putting 1500 workers out of a job and failing some more expecting pension cheques while a judge approves bonuses worth up $1.8 million if top executives meet certain liquidation goals. Meanwhile hungry buyers line up at the checkout to buy the brand
9) Walmart: Here's a chain of stores selling assault weapons at a brisk pace, while at the same time banning music with swear words. That takes real big gonads. 'Nuff said. And finally, I gotta save room for
10) The Donald: The diatribes and rants heard over the past year have been a wonder of unparalleled weirdness and a pomposity worthy of being the product of the back end of only the finest canine. I'll be ordering my Donald wig ASAP.

Thank God for these people.

It's about time to chuck this wet bag of used-up stuff in the waste bin of life. And put a fresh kettle on for the next year.


  1. I put my used teabags in the compost pile. I figure some good should come from them. I'm not sure how to compost some of these people though? I hope you have a wonderful 2013!

  2. Who wants to leave wet tea bags lying around, anyway. Chuck 'em, I say. Compost heap, green bin, wherever.

    You picked 10 doozies, Rand. These are some wrung out, weak, uninspired tea leavings, that's for sure.