Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Poor Auntie Anteater Is Afraid Of Ants

Poor ol' Auntie Anteater. Deathly afraid of ants. A sad state of affairs. While the rest of the Anteater family loves ants, eating upwards of 30,000 of them a day (each), Auntie Anteater, on the other hand, can't be around them, let alone poke her snout into an ant hill. She doesn't like the taste of them. All the tiny little legs scurrying around give her the heebie-jeebies. And to this day she can't even hear the rhythm of "The Ants Go Marching" without totally losing it.

My mother had the same thing with snakes. Couldn't even watch them on television or hear the word without writhing in disgust. Even the most friendliest of snakes would have her squirming and squealing in terror. Not that we eat snakes in the MacIvor family mind you... still, you catch my drift.

You would think this would make her the black sheep of the Anteater family, beloved Auntie or not. But they try to understand even if they don't and do their best to facilitate her fear.

They suppose her hatred of ants is psychological, due to an unhappy experience while she was a wee one riding the back of her mother but she won't say. My brother had the same thing happen with onion rings. And thus far, no amount of therapy has helped.

So what, you ask, does an anteater eat if it doesn't eat ants? She eats the rarest of foods (chopped into ant-sized bits): Almas Caviar, Kobe beef from Wagyu cows in Japan and White Truffles. Quite the bother. She had to marry for money instead of love. But, luckily she also has a love of ketchup and this gets her through on those days when she can't find the rare stuff. Like the rest of the Anteater family, she has no teeth and a tongue that can measure up to 2 feet in length which makes her very good at getting the last of the ketchup out of the bottle. Being virtually indistinguishable in appearance from the rest of the Anteaters who do eat ants, one can usually recognize her by the collection of very clean Heinz bottles scattered about.

Life is funny like that sometimes. So be nice to someone today who has a fear of something they wouldn't if it was a totally rational world. Because we all know it's not always a totally rational world, through no fault of folks like Auntie Anteater.


  1. I fed a tortoise a pomegranate once, and then he didn't want to eat anything except pomegranates. Quite a dilemma for a starving art student at the time. Poor Auntie. Maybe she should try pomegranates too? At least they're cheaper than caviar and truffles.

    1. Ah now, she heard the pomegranate was the symbol of fertility in China and stated she was far too old for all that nonsense... lol

  2. Perhaps Auntie Anteater should have pomegranates and indulge in all that nonsense. It would be a distraction, at the very least.

    Of course, if she indulged in all that nonsense and had Cousin Anteaters as a result, would she have to feed them ants?

    You might just be right, Rand. No indulgences for Auntie Anteater. She'll have to stick with ketchup.