Friday, May 25, 2012

The Taking Of Nature: One, Two, Three

Oh hell. Here we go again with the warm weather. Along with the onslaught of pesky stinging-flying creatures, dire messages advising us to slather on an inch of some skin concoction so we don't expose ourselves to (horror) the sun's rays and the predatory nature of hardware stores to make us all feel our decks and patios don't have sufficiently stylish weatherproof furniture to constitute an outdoor "living space" worthy of company, comes a warning: There are strange things growing out of the soil beneath our feet.

For those unaware of this menace, here are the basics: 1) Early in the spring these strange growths give off these pretty flowers to fool us. The shots above and below (from my own yard) show the blossoms and their devious nature, 2) Then, the flowers disappear after gaining our admiration and, after centuries of man conquering nature, they relentlessly proceed to take the world back, and 3) We need to get out the flame throwers and cement mixers before it's too late.

There are both traitors and the naively misinformed amongst us. Every year at this time, relentless romantics pop out of the woodwork and, in their dubious wisdom, remind us of a few things: 1) The cycle of creation continues to go on around us (like we haven't heard that particular nugget a couple million times), 2) Sometimes we have to take the time to smell the roses (forget it – the 350 lb. woman behind me in line at Walmart, who bathed in Chanel #5 killed my sense of smell), and 3) One person's weed is another person's flower (oh geez, just shoot me now).

If, for some odd reason, we should happen to like the nasty little flowers that grow out of nowhere (without our asking) and the deviously pretty colors they add to our lives, self-flagellation is an option. Let our appreciation be a dirty little secret. We should all just give our heads a collective shake and remember: 1) Nature is simply an inconvenient byproduct of life on earth, 2) To sane people "nature" means cutting grass and trimming back the jungle so the neighbors don't complain, and 3) There are spotters out there just waiting to see us bending over and admiring a flower. Know that these occurrences will be documented and there is a good chance our competency, if not sanity, will be questioned.

My job is done. I'm off to picket a rooftop garden.


  1. I like flowers. We can't have enough of them. The problem is grass. If it weren't for grass, I wouldn't have to succumb to peer pressure to cut it all summer.

    1. I found out this year there are people that do that so you don't have to go out and get all involved with grass on a personal level.

  2. My 100 peony blossoms are just spectacular enough for me to forget all the other stuff.

    I'm an accidental gardener myself. I didn't trim back the roses last fall, and I already have about 7 buds 5 feet off the ground.

    At my house, Mike does the grass cutting - and he only does that when he's not cycling or motorcycling. Threaten him with making grass impersonal, though, reminds him of how frugal he is... hehehe!

    1. Good for you Lynn Marie. You seem to have made peace with nature. And I learned from personal experience that one should never cycle or motorcycle while grass cutting. Mike is a wise man indeed.