Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Your New Official Job Review Options

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players..."
William Shakespeare

So let's say one day the world went really wonky and some jerk like me got a day pass from the "home" and came around to your workplace with an official looking clipboard to ask you to rate your work performance like you would a film review. Of course, it's a given your employment history is a masterpiece. But what kind? Let's see. There are several options to pick from...

A) Suave and Debonair. Your job is a wonderful romantic mystery adventure. You accomplish your goals with charm and a glint in the eye. Plans are hatched with panache and only the best in wardrobe fashion and exotic locales will do. It's not what you say while you dine at a table next to Bond, James Bond, it's how you say it – with polish and that disarming smile. When you do find yourself in a tight spot, you're prepared and cool, with just the right gadget, slick move or surprise up your sleeve. And as your caper comes together it might not work out exactly as planned but what the hell, there's always the next one. Or the one after that. You are a cool, sexy caper.

B) Action Hero. Every day at work is a non-stop, seat-of-the-pants adventure of epic proportions, where one thing leads to another seemingly without any plan. Excitement is your middle name and you don't care about what happens along the way, because it all works out in the end. Michelle Rodriguez and Jason Statham have nothing on you. Your stylists have a heyday and out you walk from the firestorm at the end of the workday with torn t-shirt, a few well-earned scars, a messed up hairstyle that your boss would have a conniption fit over and a big, big smile. You are a heart-stopper.

C) Leave 'em Laughing. Perhaps a comedic tour de force is more your managerial style. Madcap and zany with a tinge of insanity thrown in just for fun. Your quirky is simply full of a better quality of quirk. One-liners flow like an old puppy after a eating a bag of prunes. The wardrobe department supplies pants that fall down on their own and the guy from props ensures every gizmo you pick up works a bit differently than it is supposed to. Add a bit of slapstick, a dash of Monty Python and you're such a the hit with clientele that they line up around the block to see you. For hours. With no porta-potty. Yours is a wild and funny ride.

D) Vivaciously Versatile. Maybe you're a person of many hats. Your position is a hybrid, a combination of all genres, a veritable smörgåsbord of workplace contributions. Because something's just not right when things are predictable. What was high drama one day is laughable the next. You dress according to the scenes you need to play that day and at times you'd rather blend in with the extras on the set. You're another Johnny Depp or Meryl Streep and regardless of what role you play, you do so to perfection. People never know what to expect from you next. But one thing's for sure, there's never a dull moment and a quick review of your job performance would reveal it to be totally, outrageously entertaining.

Whatever role you play at whatever work you do, and whatever genre you fit into – you're a star. Give yourself two big'uns (and a raise).


  1. I would love to tell you I'm an Action Hero, but I just don't have the physical courage it takes to be one. So I'd have to answer I'm Suave and Debonair - and as soon as you turned, clipboard in hand to survey a colleague of mine...

    Down come my pants
    Water spurts from the end of my pen
    My wig is askew
    The heel comes off my shoe

    Oh well
    I make a great foil in a Shakespearean tragedy.

    1. Haha! Lynn Marie, I think you deserve your own category. :o)

  2. Rand, I think there is another option. The choices you so artistically laid out are all very enticing and anyone of them could be used to great advantage. All should be carefully weighed by those seeking to replace a worn out identity or just finally getting around to having one. My wife and my kids decided on an identity for me because it’s been a job I have always left baking away on the back burner.

    There is also the Secret Genius.
    These people are pretty hard to locate, but they are out there. There are telltale signs. There’s the haircut that’s always two months too old. There might be a desk that is covered with every manor of paper leavings. Books, kilos of printer paper, empty coffee cups, a dozen or so empty pens, stacks of magazines and several pairs of glasses, mostly busted. There is also a box of treasured cigars on top of the paper glacier.

    The following, all cheesy, are also evidence of the Secret Genius. Fruit covered neck ties, a waste paper basket that has never been emptied (often called the floor) and finally two or three pairs of shoes sans laces.

    This guy deliberately refuses to deliver a coherent sentence that might offer a solution to a vexing problem. Claims to have never read any book you might mention to him, and the last movie he went to had no audio, well there was an organ player.

    But…he knows all things. He chooses to keep the secrets of life locked deep inside until such time as Gotham really needs him. Think hard, most all of us know someone like this. It’s simply that these people are so cleaver and hide so very well we don’t see them until we really look for them. Does this remind you of someone you know?

    Rand, you are a wonderful writer. Thank you for sharing. You “are not” a secret genius. It’s plainly obvious.

    1. I will entitle your new genre "Sleeper of the Year" (as in, a movie that comes from nowhere to achieve success, such as The Shawshank Redemption and The Big Lebowski) in keeping with the Hollywood theme. :o) And yes, I think it might just remind me of someone I know, although we've never met personally. Thank you Mike!