Men's Fashion Fashionista

Fashion for men is interesting indeed. Let's spend a moment... I happen to have extensive knowledge of modern day origins.

Wardrobe for the male folk throughout history has been downright dowdy and dismal. We've come from (note: this is slightly condensed) animal skins to sackcloth to overalls to jeans to zoot suits to what we have today  – a veritable cornucopia of dress. Some dress for comfort, some dress down, some are ruled by tradition, and a few gross ones, bless their little hearts, just don't put on as much clothing as they really should.

But what we don't know is we really owe all our fashion sense today to four good men in the 20th century. No matter what our personal take on fashion is, it all emanated from these four. None were great fashion designers. They went with their guts. From the 'hanging out' jacket, until then only used in a room with padded wallpaper (rear view shown here to feature buckles and straps) to multitasking business apparel for superheroes (I made that up), to suits fashioned for moody motorcycle rebel (hunky) types to a vibrant highly reflective number complete with frilly bits; perfect for playing a piano – we can trace any of our apparel to these brave men.

Because of these trailblazers, most guys these days are more fashion conscience, taking into account that whatever we wear our clothes should allow functionality as well as express our individuality. Unless still dressed by mothers, men today search for fashion appropriate to who we are, what we do and what we want to say. The end.

Next week: beachwear that magically disappears in folds of skin... parental discretion advised.

Raison D'etre

This was on the side of my house when I moved in close to seven years ago. It came with the place. A hose holder not holding. All by its lonesome. It seems strange that it was put there because there is no tap close by. In fact, there was no tap at all outside before I moved in. So the reason for its existence is a mystery. I tried hanging lawn chairs from it but that seemed inappropriate somehow, like I was making fun of it, so I took them off. It seems happy enough hanging there. And now, it's gotten to be that if I took it down the house wouldn't be the same without it. Things like that sort of creep up on you. For years they're not an issue but just a fleeting curiosity and then one day you can't do anything about it. It's too late. It must stay.

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it, but it's like one of those things that you know you should be able to figure it out but for some reason you can't quite put your finger on it. Perhaps a fatalist would say it was put there all those years ago just to supply me with a visual today, that it was meant to be; but I don't think so. Maybe it was just the fashion when these first appeared on the market the neighbor got one so the owner went out and got one too, just to appear like they were with it. They probably hung a hose on it even though they didn't have a tap and watered their flowers with imaginary water. Like it was a completely natural thing to do. Yes, that must be it.

Hello police? I wish to report a brain-napping.

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Raison d'être (French pronunciation: [ʁɛzɔ̃ d‿ɛːtʁ]) is a French phrase meaning "reason for existence."

The Art of Kissing

Imagine we're whispering in the firelight, soft music lingers in the background. Candles flicker in the breeze, reflecting through our wine glasses and throwing a glow on the walls... "Je t'aime mon petit escargot, je t'aime". Our lips touch...

I used to be quite a good kisser in my day. I'd get as much practice in as I could (without being physically hit). And I'm not talking about the peck on the cheek or the mother-child type thing; I'm talking about the deep, eye-popping, knee-weakening, swooning, romantic kiss. On the lips. Complete with embrace. With sensitivity and tenderness; languishing one second and urgent the next.

Over time I got better and while I was probably not the best kisser in the world I'm happy to learn there were worse.

Kissing is said to release good stuff like adrenaline and increase your heart rate, which strengthens the heart. And your svelte-ness too. Dr. Alexander DeWees, an expert in the subject, revealed in an experiment that a passionate kiss generally burns up to 2–3 calories per minute. (I must have amassed millions.)

Research shows the word kissing comes from the Old English word cyssan (“to kiss”), and coss (“a kiss”). The romantic aspect of it derives from an adverb of the Latin origin "Romanicus," meaning "of the Roman style." The term was not combined with the idea of love until late into the seventeenth century. In fact, the practice of the romantic kiss is quite modern. It was totally unknown in ancient Egypt, (unsurprisingly the Greeks knew about it but didn't advertise it). Khristoper Nyrop (download here) writes that "from the remotest times we find (the kiss) applied to all that is holy, noble, and worshipful—to the gods, their statues, temples, and altars, as well as to kings and emperors; out of reverence, people even kissed the ground, and both sun and moon were greeted with kisses." But not the romantic kiss. In the Middle Ages it became a social gesture and was considered a sign of refinement of the upper classes. Then Europeans clicked in. People began kissing passionately everywhere. And like all good things it spread to the West who made it into the art it is today.

Kissing is not just schmooshing lips together and getting slobber everywhere. Kissing has evolved over time to be a true art. There's a magic to it. One day I might get back into it. It's like riding a bike. You never forget.

Shhh. Frankie's singing...

In Praise Of The Retail Jewel

Few things in life provide us with important information as efficiently. And fewer still have the potential to offer a solution to whatever is wrong, should one simply observe enough of them. I'm talking about the window sign, of course, the jewel of retail marketing. Here are several favorites of mine; drawn from memory.

Okay, I admit I may have fudged a few when my memory got a bit fuzzy, but you get the idea of how alluring they can be. Bright colors and a few words. The epitome of simple, direct and to the point.

They are less obtrusive and entirely more polite than brusk shopkeepers standing outside their store yelling at people, and certainly easier on the sensibilities than someone sweating inside a chicken costume. These champions of communication herald the arrival and availability of everything from miracle cures for personal ailments to epicurean delights. They trumpet their special offers with drama and unbridled passion. Said to be the earliest form of modern advertising, these white paper heroes proudly do their duty and, once done, honorably take their place in the recycle bin of yesterday's promotions. Such selfless virtue. 

Just a second, my lawyer's on the phone.

I have been advised to post the following statement...

Disclaimer: These posters are meant for entertainment purposes only. The author is not responsible for any loss or injury, real or perceived, emanating from anyone attempting to manufacture or sell the above products.

(Sheesh.)

http://news.yahoo.com/rains-too-drought-savaged-corn-fields-204128599--finance.html

http://www.buffalonews.com/city/weather/article955836.ece

Perking Away

James Mason of Franklin, Massachusetts invented the coffee percolator on December 26, 1865. Good thing he did because it gave my father something to do every morning. He'd fill the glass Pyrex pot with water, spoon his Eight O'Clock coffee from A&P into the basket and set the pot on the stove to perk. When the coffee was the right color he'd turn the burner down to simmer and pour himself a cup. The smell of coffee permeated the house. It still says morning to me today.

Coffee is the second most traded commodity (after oil) and one of the most consumed drinks in the world. The U.S. is the largest coffee consuming country in the world, downing an estimated 400 million cups every day.

The most expensive coffee in the world hails from Indonesia. Kopi Luwak is made from coffee beans eaten, partly digested and then excreted by the common palm civet, a weasel-like animal. The beans are picked up by locals and sold. They can cost up to $600 a pound, and up to $50 a cup.

History is full of quirky coffee stories. For example, in 1675 Charles II, King of England issued a proclamation banning Coffee Houses. He stated they were places where people met to plot against him. In the 17th century when coffee came to Europe Pope Clement VIII banned coffee stating it was the "Devils Tool". This changed shortly after the Pope had a cup and pronounced coffee legal again. Cowboys filled their socks with coffee beans, dunked the sock in boiling water then squeezed the coffee into their cups.

Boy, bet you're glad you learned all that.

_________________

Visuals for this post: Themed exploration of visual statements in the form of question, answer and patterning. Bonus:

How To Cure Laugher's Block

Find your life suddenly lacking laughter? Is your sense of hoopla hopelessly hiding? Not had a spontaneous snort of milk out your nose in a while? When was the last time you had a good old-fashioned, knee-slapping, foot-stomping, eye-watering, rip-roaring, bent-over guffaw? You may be suffering from Laugher's Block. Fear not. Your laugh life need not be over. This happens to most people at least once in their lives.

Laugher's Block can be a serious condition. Laughter is a very healthy exercise. It reduces certain stress hormones such as happisol and groucholine, strengthens abdominational muscles, exercises the lungs and releases endolphins into the pleasure center of the brain (not sure about all that but it sounded good).

They say there are three ways to cure Laugher's Block. First, consult your doctor to make sure you're healthy enough for laughing. Then, consider the following approaches:
1) Laugh. Laugh about anything but laugh. Laugh silently inside whenever laughing out loud may cause consternation, or when it may spark invitations to Laughaholics Anonymous. Don't look in a mirror during this time, especially if you're particularly ugly. Practice laughing whenever you can and you'll get better at it. Soon, your body will become accustomed to the habit of happiness and you'll be back in the swing of things laughing often and appropriately
2) Don't laugh. Do something to take your mind off the fact you have Laugher's Block. Take a walk. Read a book. Watch a movie. (Note: looking at comedic material is not recommended, as this can just aggravate the condition. And keep away from those giggle belly exercises as they're just plain irritating.) Forget about it totally, do something pleasant, take a vacation and eventually, a small chuckle will miraculously pop out of nowhere and soon you'll be back laughing lickity-split, or
3) Help others laugh. If someone you know is chortle-less, you might be able to help them out of it. Like the hiccups, an abrupt shock can be an effective long term cure. A simple Joy Buzzer (like the one pictured above) or an unexpected shot with the water hose while they're sunbathing can do the trick. And if it doesn't work at least you'll have had some fun and a laugh yourself. Be prepared for retaliative attacks. This is not a setback as your own discomfort is sure to get them chuckling.

Good luck with your laugh life. For more inspiration visit the Laughter Hall of Fame nearest you and see the animatronic stars of A Fish Called Wanda, reproductions of gag novelty items and witness historical reenactions of famous Three Stooges pie fights. Classes in pie making and throwing are available. It's best to book in advance because class space (and whipping cream) is limited.

And, remember, laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and your face just gets all puffy.

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The Joy Buzzer is a device hidden in the palm of your hand. An inside spring is wound up and released by shaking hands with others; delivering a mechanical shock and a loud buzz. Most of the following is from Wikipedia:

"...invented in 1928 by Soren Sorensen Adams of the S.S. Adams Co., it was modeled after another product The Zapper, which was similar to the joy buzzer, but did not have a very effective buzz and contained a button that had a blunt point which would hurt the person whose hand was shaken. His first gag concoction was the Cachoo Sneeze Powder, in 1906, and Sorensen went on to create prank product staples like the razzberry cushion, the snake nut can and the exploding cigar."

You. Supercrazynut.

Inside you lives the defender of the right to perform craziness. It is awakened the moment one of your buttons are pushed, when you see someone semi-famous, or at the appearance of Blue Meanies. Faster than a speeding baboon, uh train (sorry, Tourette's) and more powerful than an impact wrench thingy from Canadian Tire, (on sale this week for just $49.99), and adorned with lovely bracelets that deflect both paint balls and political canvassers. Your shield was made from the indestructible hide of the great hermaphrodite-pig, Porkius, who suckled Donaldus Duckus as an infant. Your Lasso of Lies has the power to urge those bound by it to write bad poetry. And your tiara serves as a decent projectile in moments of ring toss ecstasy. Evil-doers and gossip spewers cringe at the mere mention of your name. 

For you are, deep down; Supercrazynut.

Creative Types: An Exposé

If you were to ask me to depict two types of creative people in advertising or marketing communications, off the top of my mind I'd offer the above. Most would fall somewhere in between these two types and there are plenty more perspectives but I chose two ends of the spectrum. I dunno. Call me dramatic.

Type (a) explores the brain of a creative who is devoted to the science. Many of these people regularly lose track of time, go into rooms only to forget why they did and are known for a warped sense of humor. But they work their butts off. Because they're hooked on the work.

Type (b) depicts a person who is not so concerned with the rules, eats strange foods, are heavily into social media, generally dresses weirdly, and most aren't allowed offspring. But they work their butts off. Because they're looking to make their mark in the world.

Both can generate exquisite, breakthrough work for totally different reasons. Inspiration and innovation can come from many different directions.

So, if you're thinking of hiring a creative shop to promote your business ask to meet the creative team that will work on your account. If you don't, you'll miss meeting some very nice, talented and interesting people.

The Two Most Dangerous Words In The World

Never muck with the laws of science and logic. The thought itself is preposterous. Ludicrous. Rubbish. Dangerous even.

Laws are there to protect us. Messing with them is a slippery slope. Who knows where it might lead?

Why, complete havoc might ensue. Officials will be called and nice men in white coats will visit. Things could get awkward.

Folks will be expected to think twice before passing wind while sitting in an innocent chair, or throwing a kumquat onto the cold, hard ground.

Good. So we're agreed. And thus ends our brief safari into irrational thought. Next week, more sane expeditions. Perhaps we'll talk politics, or religion. In the meantime, perhaps the nurse will come by and give us all sponge baths...

Life According To Ducks

Sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it. Timing is everything (and one well placed word can say so much and lead to so many more down the road).

It's said that we are born with the intelligence of the universe, and then you hit the confines of the highchair and it all goes to hell, just for a plastic dish of puréed prunes.

"Well when I was a young pup. De-du-de-duh. My poppa said to me. De-du-de-duh. You gotta pay the price. De-du-de-duh. For every doggie cook-i-ie. Du-du-de-duh."

 

An innocent slip of the tongue and a modicum of neurosis leads so easily to self-condemnation and the certainty this is all part of a Woody Allen comedy gone horribly bad.

When we're young in age or spirit, we do nutty stuff. Most times (if not all) our dreams don't go as we hope (i.e. riches and fame) but that's okay because we knew the odds going in. Still, we take the time anyway. What the heck. It suppresses the urge to buy lottery tickets and besides, we might learn something in spite of ourselves. In developing Act Like A Duck the challenges were plentiful: character development, storyline, scripting, style, execution, putting it all together to send out to the syndicates and then, the never-ending joy of waiting for rejection slips. Finally, years and years later through the magic of the Internet, they are sent unwittingly to your computer screen, perhaps to be printed and stuck to fridge doors with magnets shaped like tiny little fruits, which completes the nefarious plan to torture the world one strip at a time.

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Note: Normally I like to shake things up here both visually and thematically. My apologies, but for some reason the past few posts have gravitated to cartoon work. This is not done to bore the ever loving crap out of you. Obviously I have totally lost control. (I'm thinking Inner Bag Lady is behind it.) Ah well. One more post coming up to round out Bad Cartoon Fun Week. Then I'll lay off. Promise.

A Designer's Guide To Client Meetings

I began writing this with the thought that I'd offer some advice from an old fart to young designers. But then I figured, if I was one of them I'd say fuggit and I wouldn't listen either. Then I figured, fuggit, I'll put it out there for general ridicule; if nothing else.

Designers and others of an artistic bent are well known to be different. Some wear strange clothing, some dye their hair (or parts of it) in florescent colors, the good ones work long hours (like all the time) for the love of it and most all hold independent, irreverent views on life, government and society. To the average person who uses the services of designers in their business communications, they can seem like people who are missing a few genes. Designers, on the other hand, think clients are the strange ones. They can't imagine someone only concerned with business without understanding of the power, societal impact and relevance of art. Still, we all must get along for the common good.

Herein lies the dilemma.

Anyone who produces artwork for others may benefit from putting their heads around how to act in a client meeting. Here are some basic guidelines:
1) Smile. There is no benefit to being moody when interacting with those who pay your fees. Looking concerned for a moment is fine but snarls and hysterics are not good form.
2) Do not pick one's nose. Personal habits that may offend others should be left for other times. The list also contains pulling out ear hairs, sucking your teeth, cleaning one's fingernails with the corner of the report cover and stomping your foot to make a point.
3) Try not to be high. Chances are, if you're not on designer drugs or martini cocktails while conversing, you'll a) say something intelligent, b) respond appropriately to questions and c) remember what was said later.
4) Don't weep openly. If a client doesn't like the art you've just presented, try to stay calm. Crying will not bring the client around. Breathe deeply. Remember your mantra.
5) Be fully clothed. Even if you design dressed only in your bathrobe, covering yourself in appropriate clothing for the meeting is a good first step in showing mutual respect. Selection of clothing designed to show off your collection of tattoos should be rethought unless your client is a tat parlour.
6) Try beginning your sentences without using the word 'like'. You can still say it silently. Practice in front of a mirror so you're not mouthing the word if you want to try this. "Basically" is another word to use sparingly.

By following the above guidelines you will be doing yourself and your coworkers a huge favor.

For a full, expanded version containing all 16 cardinal rules to mastering successful meeting attendance for everyone (creatives in particular), as a public service I have published a four-page booklet (plus full color cover) now available on Lulu. It's a great resource for designers new to the field and veterans who just want to refresh their skills (or it might be something that you can leave anonymously on a co-workers desk).  Order here.

Playtime With Inner Bag Lady

We haven't heard from Inner Bag Lady recently. Over the long weekend she dropped in, cleaned out the fridge and asked me to pass along her love (such as it is).


She is really no trouble as she mostly entertains herself. If she likes you she'll only ask questions that she figures you already know the answer to. Leads to some pretty pleasant conversations in which she does most of the talking and you need only to nod. And we all know people like that, don't we? (Just nod.)

Ten Ways To Tell You're In A Pickle

I found myself in a pickle recently. I don't recall what happened to get me in one: which is probably how I got there.

It wasn't like seeing the image of Jesus in a Cheeto or the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich or anything. In a pickle is an idiomatic phrase meaning to be in a condition of embarrassment, difficulty, or disorder. Unlike a totally disastrous situation, being in a pickle is a bit more lighthearted. It's a situation that seems to hit designers, actors, writers and artists more so than normal people. But everyone must get oneself in one once in a while. You have to. It's a law. It keeps one humble.

Origins? The Middle Dutch phrase in de pekel zitten, ("sit in the pickle") probably gave birth to the figurative meaning of being in a pickle. Shakespeare was one of the first to use in a pickle, in The Tempest, 1610:
ALONSO: And Trinculo is reeling ripe: where should they find this grand liquor that hath gilded 'em? How camest thou in this pickle?
TRINCULO: I have been in such a pickle since I saw you last that, I fear me, will never out of my bones: I shall not fear fly-blowing.

There are many ways to tell if you're in a pickle. Here are a few of the more obvious ones. You are officially in a pickle if:
1) You find yourself locked out of your house. In your underwear. In broad daylight. After your significant other came across some harmless emails you wrote to someone named Bambi. The neighborhood is having a block garage sale with lots of people who know you milling around and she won't let you back in
2) Finally, you get a meeting with a great new potential client, so you take them to an expensive place only to find out when you go to pay that your credit card has been rejected and you have $3.29 in your pocket
3) The tax auditor calls for a five year review of your returns the day after your kids shred your tax receipts to make play spaghetti
4) Your best friend advises you to get a lawyer. Up to that point they were your lawyer
5) When you call your boss lately they answer with a fake and very politically incorrect Chinese accent saying "Herro. No is here. No speaky Engrish."
6) While out to dinner you lend your car to a sick friend, thinking you'll grab a cab home. Then you remember you left your wallet and cell phone in the glove box and your house key is on the key ring... and you're not feeling too well
7) You work for months on an exciting new product brand for men's hats only to discover minutes before the client presentation that the name you've hinged the whole project on means poop in Romanian (rahat)
8) Your new teetotaler in-laws drop in unexpectedly for a visit and your bathtub is full of homemade beer
9) Upon waking up after what was originally to be a quiet night out you discover a cease and desist order pinned to your pajama bottoms, and
10) A neighbor (of the undesirable persuasion) invites you to a pole dance and you agree, thinking it to be a quaint ethnic folk dance at the community hall.

Of course, all pickles work themselves out eventually. It just takes time and a sense of humor. Have a great Canada Day and 4th of July everyone to the south!

The Purpose Of Purpose

Most of us do stuff all day long. And for most, the money we get for doing some of that stuff is quite motivating. Others find the energy to get going in other things, like teamwork, the prospect of importance, recognition, power, world domination, influence, a chance for travel, love, stardom, fame, to do the right thing for people who are important to them, the thrill of the chase or simply the chance to associate with some interesting people and then retire to a Winnebago.

No form of motivation is entirely wrong as long as: 1) it does no harm to others, 2) it doesn't land one's butt in jail, and 3) it doesn't involve looped recordings of your mother's nagging. 

And then there are those who have a reason to do the stuff they do. To their way of thinking, one can have all the motivation in the world but if the work is without purpose, why, you might as well be just like everyone else in the world. And while fitting in (or not standing out) is totally okay for some, these people would rather not, at least in certain respects and under certain conditions.

These are individuals who intuitively flavor motivation with purpose. Actors, painters, film makers, architects, writers – ultimately everyone who's work involves a measure of creativity has a reason behind what they do. And it doesn't have to be a concrete reason. It might be just to distinguish their work as stuff that has never been done before. Or to be themselves. Or perhaps to add something of value.

People with purpose tend to stay the course when others change direction. Over time their focus may allow their personal work to overlap their professional expertise and the result can be some really special stuff. And if you look closely you may find these people will occasionally, almost without knowing, slip a small sliver of very private stuff in there as well. And that puts their work into a very special realm.

Possibly, one day, you will be working away and you will look down and all of a sudden see something special sitting before you. Something born of all your experiences and learning, joys and sorrows. Something all you. Then you will realize this stuff is the real reason you do all that other stuff. And it probably has nothing to do with fame, glory, prestige or money. Just a quiet feeling deep inside.

And a small smile.

Pick The Voices You Hear

Reading is so 20th Century. We here at Computer Wizard Guru Word Of The Digital Future Now Plus Magazine have just tried out a beta version of a new set of computer voices that will soon be coming to an online store near you. And it's a doozy! The Compubabble package allows you to customize your computer listening experience and upgrade it to the twenty-first century.

The unique and natural voices of Compubabble come as a set of four. Pick one to correspond to the site you are viewing: 
1) Canary. This singing voice is ideal for surfing lyric sites or for transcripts of operas or musical extravaganzas. Listen in wonder as Canary sings the words of any musical script you view. (The fact the tune always sounds like Wayne Newton's hit Danke Schoen will seem normal after a while.) Also useful for poetry and those doom and gloom sites you used to hate.
2) Catcall (also called The Heckler). When you're viewing live sporting event feeds, film reviews, movie articles, humor publications, transcripts or speeches, this voice also adds interesting sound effects, trash talk and rude phrases amongst page content. Pick from Boston, Bronx and The Knights Who Say "Ni!" accents. Install on your GPS unit to liven up long drives.
3) Yakkety-yak. If you find reading gossip pages, lengthy business reports or IT articles irritating and tiresome, try having this voice read them to you. This fast-talking son-of-a-gun doesn't bother distinguishing between vowels and consonants, and doesn't stop at periods. A truly breathless experience. Perfect for shortening a 15 minute read to under 3. Sure to be a favorite of speed readers and those who just don't like punctuation. It's about time!
4) Lovey-dovey. Listen to your favorite Harlequin e-Books or sexy sites with this sultry voice and compound your experience. If you need to pause the reading in order to freshen up your mocha java, it will provide a background of heavy breathing, groans and delightful squeals until you choose to continue. Also adds interesting verve to lengthy scientific research studies. Available in male, female and androgynous characterizations.  

Update: For an even more interesting listen, there is a 'revolve' setting where every new sentence is read by a different voice. Enjoy!

We'll See And Just Because

Ah you're here. Thought we'd just shoot the breeze today. Perhaps it'll turn out to be something from the heart. Maybe not.

We'll see.

It'll be a we'll see for all the folks who shoulder a whole week for a few laughs on a hot Saturday night. And let's make it for all the times we have to be careful instead of carefree. We'll have a romp and blame it all on everything simply awful done in the name of art. It'll be for reruns of reruns and totally unreal reality shows and texting LOLOLOL while driving erratically and freaks who think value lies in harming others. For all the little hurts, and all the big ones too, and all the thoughts heard and the ones lost in the roar. Because despite it all, don't you know, there it goes. 

Come. We'll seek joy down the road while it waits in small puddles at our feet. And we'll look down and we'll leave behind tired arguments and mismatched socks and speak perhaps of private and always personal things called secrets. Did you know? Sh-h-h-h. Don't tell anyone. Cross my heart. We'll talk of life and name it just because. And it'll free us with nothing but a deep breath and a silent challenge to the gods to bring it the hell on.

And when we meet it, things like tomorrow and yesterday, pain and pleasure, outrage and joy can only really control us if we want. We can welcome it all: cool and chintzy, because we know none of it matters and everything does.

Will we see an idea's glow instead of its shadow? Will we see that all things happen (or don't) and then vanish, never to be seen again? For when you come back tomorrow you'll be different in some way and so will I. And then we'll laugh or cry or laugh so hard we cry. Wait. Did you know? Everything is fine.

And for those ruled by love or possessed by fear or consumed by power: things that motivate or imprison or both. Sweet kisses on the cheek and cold pizza for breakfast and your wedding day oh so long ago and the things you do so well and the things you laugh at yourself for trying. It's there, just because, waiting like a dream date: that magical, incredible lightness. It lies inside everything that doesn't matter and everything that does. And that's pretty well everything.

Sh-h-h. Frankie's singing.

Six "Your Life Is Not Complete" Marketing Tips

The subject today is how to get people to think they're improving their lives when what they're really doing is paying for your oceanfront condo in an exotic locale (and we're not talking time share here).

There is a little-known symbiotic relationship that all humans have with a creature called a Needybug. Since the beginning of time, in return for sustenance and a place to hang out, these helpful creatures tell people when they need food, sleep, shelter, comfort and love. (I'm sure I'm missing one or two, not being Maslow.) Left sadly neglected, Needybugs are cuddly, fluffy and play a mean game of foosball.

Savvy marketers have discovered stimuli that helps Needybugs grow to their full potential. This causes cash to fly from pockets of their hosts to pay for stuff even they didn't know they needed. The secret lies in these six key techniques:

1. Base messages on 'not enough' issues (such as 'not skinny enough, not pretty enough' or 'not clean enough'). This effectively preys on insecurities based on superficial social values
2. Include heart-rending images, such as caged puppies, starving children (with flies), melting glaciers and polar bears, or old people crying behind rain streaked windows
3. Show someone insanely bungling tasks prior to demonstrating your device. This emphasizes the positive benefits you bring to market
4. Use before and after pictures of previously fat, bald, unfit, hairy or ugly people with no love life, who are now perfect in every way (and their families love them again)
5. Prompt people to "call now" or "call in the next ten minutes" accompanied by a large flashing phone number and provide an incentive bonus (just pay shipping and handling). This helps create a sense of urgency
6. Buy entire blocks of airtime to repeat the same message over and over again ad nauseum.

By applying these simple and effective Needybug development strategies to your marketing, you'll find yourself raking in the moola and sailing the silky seas of success in no time at all!

(Ed. Note: The above is total drivel and aspiring marketers should disregard.)

Which Less Is More?

This may be quite stupid. But every time I hear the phrase "less is more" I wonder which "less" in particular, is being referenced...

Born To Be Special

Say you met three U's, each of whom thought it was superior to the others. You'd say, "That's silly, you're just a few U's, you might be different styles and colors but deep down you're really just U's."

It would seem pretty strange if you saw two dogs comparing tails, or the quality of their fur... or the resonance of their bark. Dogs look at each other and go "Oh, a dog," and then pick from an assortment of reactions like play or run away or sniff.  A dog doesn't care if another dog's nose is four feet long or if they're a six-thousand dollar prizewinning Cavalier King Charles Spaniel with a pedigree as long as your arm. When one dog meets another it just wants to know what their bum smells like.

But it's not remarkable at all when a person compares their appearance, abilities or actions to our own. We expect it. As superior beings we are entitled to have differences, to be special; not only from other life forms but from one another. It's in our contract. To be unique – right down to our fingerprints.

People are unique in, oh, so many ways. It's entirely logical: we are different from everyone else, therefore we are special and therefore valuable. In fact, the rulebook states we're not allowed to just be a human being just like other human beings. There are several potential reasons:

1. As human beings we all have a duty; a role to play. We have a responsibility to make the world a better place, or to conquer our enemies or to be a parent or a kid or to become rich and famous... the list is endless. A role gives us purpose.
2. We need to be distinctive and special. We're white or black or jewish or protestant or catholic or rich or poor or gay or straight or dressed in designer fashions or in rags or plain-looking or a humahuma. Our distinction gives us a history and perspective.
3. We want things to make sense. From birth we're trained not to stop at level one identification (what are you). We take it to level two (what are you good for). Being able to evaluate gives our lives order and understanding.

And if for some reason we were to wake up one morning and forget what makes us unique, why, we'd all definitely be in trouble. We'd be in full-fledged identity crisis mode. Our individual roles and pompousness and expertise and value would be lost to the world. We wouldn't know we were stinking rich or ugly and our winning score in Call of Duty MW3 wouldn't mean anything. We probably wouldn't have religious conflicts or wars about people being better than other people. Money would be meaningless, the economy would tank, banks would crumble, shops would close and we'd just give stuff to each other. No one would starve, be homeless or feel unloved. We'd just be one messy mass of mankind.

And we'd be no better than dogs. Eating, sleeping, playing together and (shudder) having fun.

The Nina, Pinta and Santa Tomato

Recently discovered eyewitness image of Columbus's original departure.

Columbus set sail from Palos de la Frontera on 3 August, 1492 with three ships: the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Tomato. No one really knew what his ships looked like until recently. I am happy to pass on this newly discovered depiction of the famous day.

And so, they say, began the Age of Discovery. Actually the Age of Discovery started well before that with the fall of the Roman Empire and the invention of the printing press (which meant not only rich people could afford Harlequin Romances, IKEA easy assembly instruction manuals and self-help-for-dummies paperbacks) but hey, let's not nit pick. It's up there.

Why all the hubbub about months at sea with stinky men with bad tats? (Apologies to Mike Tyson, Dennis Rodman and Erik Sprague, better known as The Lizardman. No offense.) We all know Chris didn't originally set out to discover the New World, (Leif Ericson did that a few centuries before and surely the word got around). Most of us already know he was actually looking for a trade route to Asia. Which was true. Since the fall of Constantinople to the Ottoman Turks in 1453, hiking across land to Asia became more and more like trying to get from one end of a trailer park to the other unscathed on a hot Friday night after welly check day. Alternative forms of transportation were required and Fed Ex Overnight Express hadn't been invented yet, so sailing ships seemed the logical choice. Competition surged throughout Europe for new trade routes and the riches to be had.

Columbus was certainly a go-getter. He'd lined up investors in Italy for half the money needed and the other half came from a deal worked out over a two-year period with Spanish royalty King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella, heady after their defeat of Granada. Pesky Portugal had already laid claim to practically all good real estate along the entire west coast of Africa and their plans to go around Africa to get to Asia's spice store rankled Ferdy and Issy to no end. Columbus's deal, in return for finding the new route and slapping an "Owned by Spain" label on as many new lands as he could find, included being named 'Admiral of the Ocean Sea', governorship of any newly discovered lands and a claim to 10 percent of all related profits. So generous were their promises you have to wonder if they were expecting Columbus to return.

According to historians the flagship was the Santa Tomato; the largest of the three ships. It had a crew of 51.75 men (one guy had a peg leg) while his other two ships had 18 men apiece. The Santa Tomato was so large it was not able to go near coastlines for fear of being turned into ketchup (which it eventually was). But it was able to bob well in bad weather, carried all of the pasta sauce needed for the crossing and was the most tastefully designed of the three. Both the Nina (whose unique mission was to discover the number that comes after 9) and the Pinta (which carried the milk for the crew's Fruit Loops), while top heavy had a shallower draft and were able to explore shallow bays and the mouths of rivers. Maximum speed for the vessels was about 8 knots (9.206235 mph), and minimum speed was zero. So, 90 or 100 miles a day would be a normal day's progress – 200 if the winds were right, they hit all the lights and they wanted to skip Happy Hour (which practically never happened).

Overall, Columbus crossed the Atlantic to the New World a total of four times, finally returning to Spain in chains after some (prolly just jealous) people began tattling to the King and Queen of Spain about his governorship practices. For things like allegedly cutting the hands off of natives for not paying taxes, he was stripped of his titles and profits and his sons had to sue the Crown a number of times in order to have any inheritance at all.

Thus began the habit of people from the New World to turn to litigation – a trend that continues to this very day. The end.

Ed. Disclaimer: While the above is loosely based on historical events, it is a work of lies and fiction. Any resemblance to actual people and events is very, very unlikely.

Pop Bottles And Chinese Doodads

"After Mickey’s that morning I had thirty bucks left until payday and I didn’t feel like trying to figure out when exactly that would be, although deep down I knew my last payday was yesterday. This fact, in modern parlance, sucked and I didn’t feel like sucking just then. If I wanted to feel anything I really should be feeling like getting the laundry out of the dryer before everything I owned compressed itself into one massive wrinkle.

Plus, I had more important things on my mind.

My front door knocked and I stopped thinking about what I should or should not be feeling like and opened it up to find myself standing on the other side of the screen door looking in and asking, “Got any pop bottles you don’t want?”

It wasn’t me exactly but a little-kid-me and I knew that because not only did he look vaguely familiar but I remember going door-to-door asking for pop bottles when I was his age. Pop bottles then were two cents – five for a big one. That might seem like not a lot of money now but back then a wagon full of bottles bought a heck of a lot of 4-for-a-penny mojos. Besides, I recognized the shoes. They were what we used to call gomer boots because only gomers wore them, as in Gomer Pyle. Now they are treasured high-top basketball shoes. Black canvas with white around the soles and white laces. You know the ones.

I thought about telling my kid-self that going door-to-door collecting pop bottles just didn’t work any more. There was no return on your labor. Pop bottles were mostly all plastic now and people recycled them. For free. No deposit, no return – just like life. When they were all used up that was it. They were tossed into blue caskets and sent to plastic bottle heaven and were reincarnated as Chinese doodads.

If I had more time and no laundry in the dryer I would have suggested that he should possibly switch to copper wire. I’d heard crooks kept stealing it so there must be a market for it. Then again, “Got any copper wire you don’t want?” just didn’t have the same innocent resonance.

Under normal circumstances I would have muttered a quick “No,” followed with a decisive closing of the door but I thought, wait a minute – this is me I’m talking to. Finally, I shook my head sorry, dug five of the last thirty bucks out of my wallet and passed it to him before closing the door. It’s what I would have wanted me to do. Besides, I had more important things on my mind. 

My life was in danger. There’s poetry in there somewhere."

(Excerpt... the opening salvo of a work in progress.)

Boning Up On Public Transit

Big city living brings a number of wonderful experiences. If you are new to the city, before long you're bound to witness these huge machines totally packed with people lumbering down the street. Do not panic. These people are not being kidnapped or forced into a ragtag militia against their will. They are using vehicles called buses, a public transit service, and can get on and off at will.

In order to use one yourself, simply wait at a bus stop and when a bus approaches, take a step towards the curb (do not step off the curb) and concentrate like you want the bus to stop. It's sort of a psychic thing. The doors will open automatically – there's no need to pry them open. Buses come with a driver so there is no need to offer to drive for a while. Simply chip in some cash to help pay for gas and grab a seat.

You may notice that people bring along certain items and demonstrate unique behaviors to help make their journey a safe and entertaining one:

Accessories: A helmet is great for inducing helmet hair and reducing the amount of brain trauma associated with engine vibration, sudden stops and potholes. A spotlight attached to the helmet is useful in case of an unexpected tunnel. Sound suppressing headphones reduce the air pollution caused by headbanger music coming from the guy next to you. You'll see people bringing water bottles to keep from becoming dehydrated but you may want to consider the personal IV drip. They're flexible in tight spaces and can also be used to refill your water pistol (good for small brats). Displaying a ceremonial symbol of power will remind others that you don't really need to take public transit but are doing so to help the environment (bonus points if it comes with GPS and an emergency beacon). An accessory Batman-style pouch, even if empty, is impressive. Be sure to bring along your own personal mobility devices (i.e. feet, wheels). You'll need them to get to and from the bus stop.

Attributes: Try to train one eye to monitor the road ahead for your stop and have the other eye watch for shady characters looking to rip off your wallet. And if you can grab a couple of flying bugs while you're waiting for the bus, let them loose after you sit down. This will help keep people from getting too close. Demonstrating an oral fixation with something like a bubble pipe can be useful as well, and a pair of loud honkers, judiciously used, may gain you a seat in a crowded bus.

Properly prepared, riding the bus is a pleasant and convenient benefit of living in the big city.

Notes I Should Have Left My Mother

Remember when you were little and it seemed everyone else in the whole world was bigger and smarter and better at stuff than you (except for babies)? It seemed you were battling just to keep up. And it was only natural to try to dodge nasty consequences of your actions and minimize damage. Sometimes you got away with something and sometimes they saw right through you. Whatever your batting average, it is likely at least some claims of innocence were successful and years later you get to an age where you wish you could set the record straight. Wipe the slate clean. There are millions of apologies I could probably write to my mother but I've picked three that are fairly representative.

These are the three that keep me up at night the most, suffering from with incalculable pangs of guilt. If I'd only stood up for the truth and said something at the time things might be better now. Like maybe those nasty wars in Iran and Afghanistan wouldn't have happened. Or maybe John Lennon would still be alive.

So Mom, if you're up there listening, which I'm sure you are because when you were alive you were able to see around corners and hear things through solid walls... sorry.

Can I have my allowance back now?

Dignitas Perdidit

"Yesterday" Douglas Tavern, Douglas, Ontario

"If in dignitas you include the power of translating those loyal feelings into action or of defending them with complete freedom, then ne vestigium quidem ullum est reliquum nobis dignitatis [not even a trace is left to us of our dignity]." ~ Cicero, 46 BC

Dignitas Perdidit is roughly translated as Dignity Lost. But that's not quite right. While the word dignitas does not have a direct translation into English, the Oxford Latin Dictionary defines the expression as fitness, suitability, worthiness, visual impressiveness or distinction, dignity of style and gesture, rank, status, position, standing, esteem, importance, and honor.

Julius Caesar structured his whole life on his personal dignitas. People in those years were known to send themselves into exile, even oft themselves (RIP Marcus Antonius), and destroy the reputation of others (that would be you, Marcus Claudius Marcellus) in order to preserve or grow their dignitas. Such is the power of a single word.

The use of words carries the ever-present danger of possible cultural, gender-based, racial or political misinterpretations. What was right and just and honorable even in our parents' time (when the term family wasn't so often prefaced by the word dysfunctional) may be a completely different animal today. Antiquated terms, like yesterday's leftovers, have different meanings in the light of a new day. The above photo (taken by my niece Alison), while admittedly quaint, appropriately tattered and obviously sexist was seen back then as a sign of respect. (In the village tavern there was one door for rowdy, dust covered, profanity-spewing men, and another door for a more sophisticated couple out to enjoy a social evening. The fact that both doors most often lead to the same room was incidental.) If you look up the word escorts in the phone book today, you'll find an entirely different meaning (for every want, personal bent and budget).

What was a word just hanging out behaving itself yesterday becomes one with an identity crisis. The word brave was once used to signify cowardice. Awful meant ‘full of awe’ i.e. something wonderful, delightful, amazing. Nice, derived from the Latin ‘not to know’, originally meant ignorant. Gay used to mean light-hearted and carefree. A dick was a detective.

And not too long ago a computer was a person who worked with numbers and did a lot of calculations. Facebook was a high school yearbook. And you heard birds twitter in the merry wood. Bad is now good... or bad.