A Designer's Guide To Client Meetings

I began writing this with the thought that I'd offer some advice from an old fart to young designers. But then I figured, if I was one of them I'd say fuggit and I wouldn't listen either. Then I figured, fuggit, I'll put it out there for general ridicule; if nothing else.

Designers and others of an artistic bent are well known to be different. Some wear strange clothing, some dye their hair (or parts of it) in florescent colors, the good ones work long hours (like all the time) for the love of it and most all hold independent, irreverent views on life, government and society. To the average person who uses the services of designers in their business communications, they can seem like people who are missing a few genes. Designers, on the other hand, think clients are the strange ones. They can't imagine someone only concerned with business without understanding of the power, societal impact and relevance of art. Still, we all must get along for the common good.

Herein lies the dilemma.

Anyone who produces artwork for others may benefit from putting their heads around how to act in a client meeting. Here are some basic guidelines:
1) Smile. There is no benefit to being moody when interacting with those who pay your fees. Looking concerned for a moment is fine but snarls and hysterics are not good form.
2) Do not pick one's nose. Personal habits that may offend others should be left for other times. The list also contains pulling out ear hairs, sucking your teeth, cleaning one's fingernails with the corner of the report cover and stomping your foot to make a point.
3) Try not to be high. Chances are, if you're not on designer drugs or martini cocktails while conversing, you'll a) say something intelligent, b) respond appropriately to questions and c) remember what was said later.
4) Don't weep openly. If a client doesn't like the art you've just presented, try to stay calm. Crying will not bring the client around. Breathe deeply. Remember your mantra.
5) Be fully clothed. Even if you design dressed only in your bathrobe, covering yourself in appropriate clothing for the meeting is a good first step in showing mutual respect. Selection of clothing designed to show off your collection of tattoos should be rethought unless your client is a tat parlour.
6) Try beginning your sentences without using the word 'like'. You can still say it silently. Practice in front of a mirror so you're not mouthing the word if you want to try this. "Basically" is another word to use sparingly.

By following the above guidelines you will be doing yourself and your coworkers a huge favor.

For a full, expanded version containing all 16 cardinal rules to mastering successful meeting attendance for everyone (creatives in particular), as a public service I have published a four-page booklet (plus full color cover) now available on Lulu. It's a great resource for designers new to the field and veterans who just want to refresh their skills (or it might be something that you can leave anonymously on a co-workers desk).  Order here.

Playtime With Inner Bag Lady

We haven't heard from Inner Bag Lady recently. Over the long weekend she dropped in, cleaned out the fridge and asked me to pass along her love (such as it is).


She is really no trouble as she mostly entertains herself. If she likes you she'll only ask questions that she figures you already know the answer to. Leads to some pretty pleasant conversations in which she does most of the talking and you need only to nod. And we all know people like that, don't we? (Just nod.)

Ten Ways To Tell You're In A Pickle

I found myself in a pickle recently. I don't recall what happened to get me in one: which is probably how I got there.

It wasn't like seeing the image of Jesus in a Cheeto or the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich or anything. In a pickle is an idiomatic phrase meaning to be in a condition of embarrassment, difficulty, or disorder. Unlike a totally disastrous situation, being in a pickle is a bit more lighthearted. It's a situation that seems to hit designers, actors, writers and artists more so than normal people. But everyone must get oneself in one once in a while. You have to. It's a law. It keeps one humble.

Origins? The Middle Dutch phrase in de pekel zitten, ("sit in the pickle") probably gave birth to the figurative meaning of being in a pickle. Shakespeare was one of the first to use in a pickle, in The Tempest, 1610:
ALONSO: And Trinculo is reeling ripe: where should they find this grand liquor that hath gilded 'em? How camest thou in this pickle?
TRINCULO: I have been in such a pickle since I saw you last that, I fear me, will never out of my bones: I shall not fear fly-blowing.

There are many ways to tell if you're in a pickle. Here are a few of the more obvious ones. You are officially in a pickle if:
1) You find yourself locked out of your house. In your underwear. In broad daylight. After your significant other came across some harmless emails you wrote to someone named Bambi. The neighborhood is having a block garage sale with lots of people who know you milling around and she won't let you back in
2) Finally, you get a meeting with a great new potential client, so you take them to an expensive place only to find out when you go to pay that your credit card has been rejected and you have $3.29 in your pocket
3) The tax auditor calls for a five year review of your returns the day after your kids shred your tax receipts to make play spaghetti
4) Your best friend advises you to get a lawyer. Up to that point they were your lawyer
5) When you call your boss lately they answer with a fake and very politically incorrect Chinese accent saying "Herro. No is here. No speaky Engrish."
6) While out to dinner you lend your car to a sick friend, thinking you'll grab a cab home. Then you remember you left your wallet and cell phone in the glove box and your house key is on the key ring... and you're not feeling too well
7) You work for months on an exciting new product brand for men's hats only to discover minutes before the client presentation that the name you've hinged the whole project on means poop in Romanian (rahat)
8) Your new teetotaler in-laws drop in unexpectedly for a visit and your bathtub is full of homemade beer
9) Upon waking up after what was originally to be a quiet night out you discover a cease and desist order pinned to your pajama bottoms, and
10) A neighbor (of the undesirable persuasion) invites you to a pole dance and you agree, thinking it to be a quaint ethnic folk dance at the community hall.

Of course, all pickles work themselves out eventually. It just takes time and a sense of humor. Have a great Canada Day and 4th of July everyone to the south!

The Purpose Of Purpose

Most of us do stuff all day long. And for most, the money we get for doing some of that stuff is quite motivating. Others find the energy to get going in other things, like teamwork, the prospect of importance, recognition, power, world domination, influence, a chance for travel, love, stardom, fame, to do the right thing for people who are important to them, the thrill of the chase or simply the chance to associate with some interesting people and then retire to a Winnebago.

No form of motivation is entirely wrong as long as: 1) it does no harm to others, 2) it doesn't land one's butt in jail, and 3) it doesn't involve looped recordings of your mother's nagging. 

And then there are those who have a reason to do the stuff they do. To their way of thinking, one can have all the motivation in the world but if the work is without purpose, why, you might as well be just like everyone else in the world. And while fitting in (or not standing out) is totally okay for some, these people would rather not, at least in certain respects and under certain conditions.

These are individuals who intuitively flavor motivation with purpose. Actors, painters, film makers, architects, writers – ultimately everyone who's work involves a measure of creativity has a reason behind what they do. And it doesn't have to be a concrete reason. It might be just to distinguish their work as stuff that has never been done before. Or to be themselves. Or perhaps to add something of value.

People with purpose tend to stay the course when others change direction. Over time their focus may allow their personal work to overlap their professional expertise and the result can be some really special stuff. And if you look closely you may find these people will occasionally, almost without knowing, slip a small sliver of very private stuff in there as well. And that puts their work into a very special realm.

Possibly, one day, you will be working away and you will look down and all of a sudden see something special sitting before you. Something born of all your experiences and learning, joys and sorrows. Something all you. Then you will realize this stuff is the real reason you do all that other stuff. And it probably has nothing to do with fame, glory, prestige or money. Just a quiet feeling deep inside.

And a small smile.

Pick The Voices You Hear

Reading is so 20th Century. We here at Computer Wizard Guru Word Of The Digital Future Now Plus Magazine have just tried out a beta version of a new set of computer voices that will soon be coming to an online store near you. And it's a doozy! The Compubabble package allows you to customize your computer listening experience and upgrade it to the twenty-first century.

The unique and natural voices of Compubabble come as a set of four. Pick one to correspond to the site you are viewing: 
1) Canary. This singing voice is ideal for surfing lyric sites or for transcripts of operas or musical extravaganzas. Listen in wonder as Canary sings the words of any musical script you view. (The fact the tune always sounds like Wayne Newton's hit Danke Schoen will seem normal after a while.) Also useful for poetry and those doom and gloom sites you used to hate.
2) Catcall (also called The Heckler). When you're viewing live sporting event feeds, film reviews, movie articles, humor publications, transcripts or speeches, this voice also adds interesting sound effects, trash talk and rude phrases amongst page content. Pick from Boston, Bronx and The Knights Who Say "Ni!" accents. Install on your GPS unit to liven up long drives.
3) Yakkety-yak. If you find reading gossip pages, lengthy business reports or IT articles irritating and tiresome, try having this voice read them to you. This fast-talking son-of-a-gun doesn't bother distinguishing between vowels and consonants, and doesn't stop at periods. A truly breathless experience. Perfect for shortening a 15 minute read to under 3. Sure to be a favorite of speed readers and those who just don't like punctuation. It's about time!
4) Lovey-dovey. Listen to your favorite Harlequin e-Books or sexy sites with this sultry voice and compound your experience. If you need to pause the reading in order to freshen up your mocha java, it will provide a background of heavy breathing, groans and delightful squeals until you choose to continue. Also adds interesting verve to lengthy scientific research studies. Available in male, female and androgynous characterizations.  

Update: For an even more interesting listen, there is a 'revolve' setting where every new sentence is read by a different voice. Enjoy!

We'll See And Just Because

Ah you're here. Thought we'd just shoot the breeze today. Perhaps it'll turn out to be something from the heart. Maybe not.

We'll see.

It'll be a we'll see for all the folks who shoulder a whole week for a few laughs on a hot Saturday night. And let's make it for all the times we have to be careful instead of carefree. We'll have a romp and blame it all on everything simply awful done in the name of art. It'll be for reruns of reruns and totally unreal reality shows and texting LOLOLOL while driving erratically and freaks who think value lies in harming others. For all the little hurts, and all the big ones too, and all the thoughts heard and the ones lost in the roar. Because despite it all, don't you know, there it goes. 

Come. We'll seek joy down the road while it waits in small puddles at our feet. And we'll look down and we'll leave behind tired arguments and mismatched socks and speak perhaps of private and always personal things called secrets. Did you know? Sh-h-h-h. Don't tell anyone. Cross my heart. We'll talk of life and name it just because. And it'll free us with nothing but a deep breath and a silent challenge to the gods to bring it the hell on.

And when we meet it, things like tomorrow and yesterday, pain and pleasure, outrage and joy can only really control us if we want. We can welcome it all: cool and chintzy, because we know none of it matters and everything does.

Will we see an idea's glow instead of its shadow? Will we see that all things happen (or don't) and then vanish, never to be seen again? For when you come back tomorrow you'll be different in some way and so will I. And then we'll laugh or cry or laugh so hard we cry. Wait. Did you know? Everything is fine.

And for those ruled by love or possessed by fear or consumed by power: things that motivate or imprison or both. Sweet kisses on the cheek and cold pizza for breakfast and your wedding day oh so long ago and the things you do so well and the things you laugh at yourself for trying. It's there, just because, waiting like a dream date: that magical, incredible lightness. It lies inside everything that doesn't matter and everything that does. And that's pretty well everything.

Sh-h-h. Frankie's singing.

Six "Your Life Is Not Complete" Marketing Tips

The subject today is how to get people to think they're improving their lives when what they're really doing is paying for your oceanfront condo in an exotic locale (and we're not talking time share here).

There is a little-known symbiotic relationship that all humans have with a creature called a Needybug. Since the beginning of time, in return for sustenance and a place to hang out, these helpful creatures tell people when they need food, sleep, shelter, comfort and love. (I'm sure I'm missing one or two, not being Maslow.) Left sadly neglected, Needybugs are cuddly, fluffy and play a mean game of foosball.

Savvy marketers have discovered stimuli that helps Needybugs grow to their full potential. This causes cash to fly from pockets of their hosts to pay for stuff even they didn't know they needed. The secret lies in these six key techniques:

1. Base messages on 'not enough' issues (such as 'not skinny enough, not pretty enough' or 'not clean enough'). This effectively preys on insecurities based on superficial social values
2. Include heart-rending images, such as caged puppies, starving children (with flies), melting glaciers and polar bears, or old people crying behind rain streaked windows
3. Show someone insanely bungling tasks prior to demonstrating your device. This emphasizes the positive benefits you bring to market
4. Use before and after pictures of previously fat, bald, unfit, hairy or ugly people with no love life, who are now perfect in every way (and their families love them again)
5. Prompt people to "call now" or "call in the next ten minutes" accompanied by a large flashing phone number and provide an incentive bonus (just pay shipping and handling). This helps create a sense of urgency
6. Buy entire blocks of airtime to repeat the same message over and over again ad nauseum.

By applying these simple and effective Needybug development strategies to your marketing, you'll find yourself raking in the moola and sailing the silky seas of success in no time at all!

(Ed. Note: The above is total drivel and aspiring marketers should disregard.)

Which Less Is More?

This may be quite stupid. But every time I hear the phrase "less is more" I wonder which "less" in particular, is being referenced...

Born To Be Special

Say you met three U's, each of whom thought it was superior to the others. You'd say, "That's silly, you're just a few U's, you might be different styles and colors but deep down you're really just U's."

It would seem pretty strange if you saw two dogs comparing tails, or the quality of their fur... or the resonance of their bark. Dogs look at each other and go "Oh, a dog," and then pick from an assortment of reactions like play or run away or sniff.  A dog doesn't care if another dog's nose is four feet long or if they're a six-thousand dollar prizewinning Cavalier King Charles Spaniel with a pedigree as long as your arm. When one dog meets another it just wants to know what their bum smells like.

But it's not remarkable at all when a person compares their appearance, abilities or actions to our own. We expect it. As superior beings we are entitled to have differences, to be special; not only from other life forms but from one another. It's in our contract. To be unique – right down to our fingerprints.

People are unique in, oh, so many ways. It's entirely logical: we are different from everyone else, therefore we are special and therefore valuable. In fact, the rulebook states we're not allowed to just be a human being just like other human beings. There are several potential reasons:

1. As human beings we all have a duty; a role to play. We have a responsibility to make the world a better place, or to conquer our enemies or to be a parent or a kid or to become rich and famous... the list is endless. A role gives us purpose.
2. We need to be distinctive and special. We're white or black or jewish or protestant or catholic or rich or poor or gay or straight or dressed in designer fashions or in rags or plain-looking or a humahuma. Our distinction gives us a history and perspective.
3. We want things to make sense. From birth we're trained not to stop at level one identification (what are you). We take it to level two (what are you good for). Being able to evaluate gives our lives order and understanding.

And if for some reason we were to wake up one morning and forget what makes us unique, why, we'd all definitely be in trouble. We'd be in full-fledged identity crisis mode. Our individual roles and pompousness and expertise and value would be lost to the world. We wouldn't know we were stinking rich or ugly and our winning score in Call of Duty MW3 wouldn't mean anything. We probably wouldn't have religious conflicts or wars about people being better than other people. Money would be meaningless, the economy would tank, banks would crumble, shops would close and we'd just give stuff to each other. No one would starve, be homeless or feel unloved. We'd just be one messy mass of mankind.

And we'd be no better than dogs. Eating, sleeping, playing together and (shudder) having fun.

The Nina, Pinta and Santa Tomato

Recently discovered eyewitness image of Columbus's original departure.

Columbus set sail from Palos de la Frontera on 3 August, 1492 with three ships: the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Tomato. No one really knew what his ships looked like until recently. I am happy to pass on this newly discovered depiction of the famous day.

And so, they say, began the Age of Discovery. Actually the Age of Discovery started well before that with the fall of the Roman Empire and the invention of the printing press (which meant not only rich people could afford Harlequin Romances, IKEA easy assembly instruction manuals and self-help-for-dummies paperbacks) but hey, let's not nit pick. It's up there.

Why all the hubbub about months at sea with stinky men with bad tats? (Apologies to Mike Tyson, Dennis Rodman and Erik Sprague, better known as The Lizardman. No offense.) We all know Chris didn't originally set out to discover the New World, (Leif Ericson did that a few centuries before and surely the word got around). Most of us already know he was actually looking for a trade route to Asia. Which was true. Since the fall of Constantinople to the Ottoman Turks in 1453, hiking across land to Asia became more and more like trying to get from one end of a trailer park to the other unscathed on a hot Friday night after welly check day. Alternative forms of transportation were required and Fed Ex Overnight Express hadn't been invented yet, so sailing ships seemed the logical choice. Competition surged throughout Europe for new trade routes and the riches to be had.

Columbus was certainly a go-getter. He'd lined up investors in Italy for half the money needed and the other half came from a deal worked out over a two-year period with Spanish royalty King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella, heady after their defeat of Granada. Pesky Portugal had already laid claim to practically all good real estate along the entire west coast of Africa and their plans to go around Africa to get to Asia's spice store rankled Ferdy and Issy to no end. Columbus's deal, in return for finding the new route and slapping an "Owned by Spain" label on as many new lands as he could find, included being named 'Admiral of the Ocean Sea', governorship of any newly discovered lands and a claim to 10 percent of all related profits. So generous were their promises you have to wonder if they were expecting Columbus to return.

According to historians the flagship was the Santa Tomato; the largest of the three ships. It had a crew of 51.75 men (one guy had a peg leg) while his other two ships had 18 men apiece. The Santa Tomato was so large it was not able to go near coastlines for fear of being turned into ketchup (which it eventually was). But it was able to bob well in bad weather, carried all of the pasta sauce needed for the crossing and was the most tastefully designed of the three. Both the Nina (whose unique mission was to discover the number that comes after 9) and the Pinta (which carried the milk for the crew's Fruit Loops), while top heavy had a shallower draft and were able to explore shallow bays and the mouths of rivers. Maximum speed for the vessels was about 8 knots (9.206235 mph), and minimum speed was zero. So, 90 or 100 miles a day would be a normal day's progress – 200 if the winds were right, they hit all the lights and they wanted to skip Happy Hour (which practically never happened).

Overall, Columbus crossed the Atlantic to the New World a total of four times, finally returning to Spain in chains after some (prolly just jealous) people began tattling to the King and Queen of Spain about his governorship practices. For things like allegedly cutting the hands off of natives for not paying taxes, he was stripped of his titles and profits and his sons had to sue the Crown a number of times in order to have any inheritance at all.

Thus began the habit of people from the New World to turn to litigation – a trend that continues to this very day. The end.

Ed. Disclaimer: While the above is loosely based on historical events, it is a work of lies and fiction. Any resemblance to actual people and events is very, very unlikely.

Pop Bottles And Chinese Doodads

"After Mickey’s that morning I had thirty bucks left until payday and I didn’t feel like trying to figure out when exactly that would be, although deep down I knew my last payday was yesterday. This fact, in modern parlance, sucked and I didn’t feel like sucking just then. If I wanted to feel anything I really should be feeling like getting the laundry out of the dryer before everything I owned compressed itself into one massive wrinkle.

Plus, I had more important things on my mind.

My front door knocked and I stopped thinking about what I should or should not be feeling like and opened it up to find myself standing on the other side of the screen door looking in and asking, “Got any pop bottles you don’t want?”

It wasn’t me exactly but a little-kid-me and I knew that because not only did he look vaguely familiar but I remember going door-to-door asking for pop bottles when I was his age. Pop bottles then were two cents – five for a big one. That might seem like not a lot of money now but back then a wagon full of bottles bought a heck of a lot of 4-for-a-penny mojos. Besides, I recognized the shoes. They were what we used to call gomer boots because only gomers wore them, as in Gomer Pyle. Now they are treasured high-top basketball shoes. Black canvas with white around the soles and white laces. You know the ones.

I thought about telling my kid-self that going door-to-door collecting pop bottles just didn’t work any more. There was no return on your labor. Pop bottles were mostly all plastic now and people recycled them. For free. No deposit, no return – just like life. When they were all used up that was it. They were tossed into blue caskets and sent to plastic bottle heaven and were reincarnated as Chinese doodads.

If I had more time and no laundry in the dryer I would have suggested that he should possibly switch to copper wire. I’d heard crooks kept stealing it so there must be a market for it. Then again, “Got any copper wire you don’t want?” just didn’t have the same innocent resonance.

Under normal circumstances I would have muttered a quick “No,” followed with a decisive closing of the door but I thought, wait a minute – this is me I’m talking to. Finally, I shook my head sorry, dug five of the last thirty bucks out of my wallet and passed it to him before closing the door. It’s what I would have wanted me to do. Besides, I had more important things on my mind. 

My life was in danger. There’s poetry in there somewhere."

(Excerpt... the opening salvo of a work in progress.)

Boning Up On Public Transit

Big city living brings a number of wonderful experiences. If you are new to the city, before long you're bound to witness these huge machines totally packed with people lumbering down the street. Do not panic. These people are not being kidnapped or forced into a ragtag militia against their will. They are using vehicles called buses, a public transit service, and can get on and off at will.

In order to use one yourself, simply wait at a bus stop and when a bus approaches, take a step towards the curb (do not step off the curb) and concentrate like you want the bus to stop. It's sort of a psychic thing. The doors will open automatically – there's no need to pry them open. Buses come with a driver so there is no need to offer to drive for a while. Simply chip in some cash to help pay for gas and grab a seat.

You may notice that people bring along certain items and demonstrate unique behaviors to help make their journey a safe and entertaining one:

Accessories: A helmet is great for inducing helmet hair and reducing the amount of brain trauma associated with engine vibration, sudden stops and potholes. A spotlight attached to the helmet is useful in case of an unexpected tunnel. Sound suppressing headphones reduce the air pollution caused by headbanger music coming from the guy next to you. You'll see people bringing water bottles to keep from becoming dehydrated but you may want to consider the personal IV drip. They're flexible in tight spaces and can also be used to refill your water pistol (good for small brats). Displaying a ceremonial symbol of power will remind others that you don't really need to take public transit but are doing so to help the environment (bonus points if it comes with GPS and an emergency beacon). An accessory Batman-style pouch, even if empty, is impressive. Be sure to bring along your own personal mobility devices (i.e. feet, wheels). You'll need them to get to and from the bus stop.

Attributes: Try to train one eye to monitor the road ahead for your stop and have the other eye watch for shady characters looking to rip off your wallet. And if you can grab a couple of flying bugs while you're waiting for the bus, let them loose after you sit down. This will help keep people from getting too close. Demonstrating an oral fixation with something like a bubble pipe can be useful as well, and a pair of loud honkers, judiciously used, may gain you a seat in a crowded bus.

Properly prepared, riding the bus is a pleasant and convenient benefit of living in the big city.

Notes I Should Have Left My Mother

Remember when you were little and it seemed everyone else in the whole world was bigger and smarter and better at stuff than you (except for babies)? It seemed you were battling just to keep up. And it was only natural to try to dodge nasty consequences of your actions and minimize damage. Sometimes you got away with something and sometimes they saw right through you. Whatever your batting average, it is likely at least some claims of innocence were successful and years later you get to an age where you wish you could set the record straight. Wipe the slate clean. There are millions of apologies I could probably write to my mother but I've picked three that are fairly representative.

These are the three that keep me up at night the most, suffering from with incalculable pangs of guilt. If I'd only stood up for the truth and said something at the time things might be better now. Like maybe those nasty wars in Iran and Afghanistan wouldn't have happened. Or maybe John Lennon would still be alive.

So Mom, if you're up there listening, which I'm sure you are because when you were alive you were able to see around corners and hear things through solid walls... sorry.

Can I have my allowance back now?

Dignitas Perdidit

"Yesterday" Douglas Tavern, Douglas, Ontario

"If in dignitas you include the power of translating those loyal feelings into action or of defending them with complete freedom, then ne vestigium quidem ullum est reliquum nobis dignitatis [not even a trace is left to us of our dignity]." ~ Cicero, 46 BC

Dignitas Perdidit is roughly translated as Dignity Lost. But that's not quite right. While the word dignitas does not have a direct translation into English, the Oxford Latin Dictionary defines the expression as fitness, suitability, worthiness, visual impressiveness or distinction, dignity of style and gesture, rank, status, position, standing, esteem, importance, and honor.

Julius Caesar structured his whole life on his personal dignitas. People in those years were known to send themselves into exile, even oft themselves (RIP Marcus Antonius), and destroy the reputation of others (that would be you, Marcus Claudius Marcellus) in order to preserve or grow their dignitas. Such is the power of a single word.

The use of words carries the ever-present danger of possible cultural, gender-based, racial or political misinterpretations. What was right and just and honorable even in our parents' time (when the term family wasn't so often prefaced by the word dysfunctional) may be a completely different animal today. Antiquated terms, like yesterday's leftovers, have different meanings in the light of a new day. The above photo (taken by my niece Alison), while admittedly quaint, appropriately tattered and obviously sexist was seen back then as a sign of respect. (In the village tavern there was one door for rowdy, dust covered, profanity-spewing men, and another door for a more sophisticated couple out to enjoy a social evening. The fact that both doors most often lead to the same room was incidental.) If you look up the word escorts in the phone book today, you'll find an entirely different meaning (for every want, personal bent and budget).

What was a word just hanging out behaving itself yesterday becomes one with an identity crisis. The word brave was once used to signify cowardice. Awful meant ‘full of awe’ i.e. something wonderful, delightful, amazing. Nice, derived from the Latin ‘not to know’, originally meant ignorant. Gay used to mean light-hearted and carefree. A dick was a detective.

And not too long ago a computer was a person who worked with numbers and did a lot of calculations. Facebook was a high school yearbook. And you heard birds twitter in the merry wood. Bad is now good... or bad.

Grabbing For Moths

There was a moth in my living room last night. Not one of those big wooly ones, one of the tiny guys. For a seemingly awkward, fluttering creature it was extremely elusive and it took my attention for a time. It was like good design the way it changed direction the very instant I grabbed for it. It was fun for a time and then it got tedious. In the end I chose to ignore it because I am bigger than a moth.

I compare the moth to creativity because, well, that's my area of interest. If I were a lawyer I'd probably be relating the moth to other things like what crims have come up with lately to make their lives interesting, or what other litigators are doing with their lives. If my culinary skills extended beyond anything other than a bowl of Fruit Loops or cheese dogs I'd be looking at what chefs are creating to challenge themselves. So I look at a broad range of art that people find interesting because I suppose I'm interested in being interesting occasionally as well. And some stuff makes you wonder if some people grabbed for the moth and missed. Or maybe they don't even know about the moth. Or maybe they do have the moth cupped in their hand and I'm just not noticing. It's a quagmire wrapped up in a conundrum.

This morning the moth has gone to wherever moths go when they're not being grabbed at. I should check the closet but I know I won't. It'll be back on its own. And I'll be grabbing for it.

I hate design.

The Taking Of Nature: One, Two, Three

Oh hell. Here we go again with the warm weather. Along with the onslaught of pesky stinging-flying creatures, dire messages advising us to slather on an inch of some skin concoction so we don't expose ourselves to (horror) the sun's rays and the predatory nature of hardware stores to make us all feel our decks and patios don't have sufficiently stylish weatherproof furniture to constitute an outdoor "living space" worthy of company, comes a warning: There are strange things growing out of the soil beneath our feet.

For those unaware of this menace, here are the basics: 1) Early in the spring these strange growths give off these pretty flowers to fool us. The shots above and below (from my own yard) show the blossoms and their devious nature, 2) Then, the flowers disappear after gaining our admiration and, after centuries of man conquering nature, they relentlessly proceed to take the world back, and 3) We need to get out the flame throwers and cement mixers before it's too late.

There are both traitors and the naively misinformed amongst us. Every year at this time, relentless romantics pop out of the woodwork and, in their dubious wisdom, remind us of a few things: 1) The cycle of creation continues to go on around us (like we haven't heard that particular nugget a couple million times), 2) Sometimes we have to take the time to smell the roses (forget it – the 350 lb. woman behind me in line at Walmart, who bathed in Chanel #5 killed my sense of smell), and 3) One person's weed is another person's flower (oh geez, just shoot me now).

If, for some odd reason, we should happen to like the nasty little flowers that grow out of nowhere (without our asking) and the deviously pretty colors they add to our lives, self-flagellation is an option. Let our appreciation be a dirty little secret. We should all just give our heads a collective shake and remember: 1) Nature is simply an inconvenient byproduct of life on earth, 2) To sane people "nature" means cutting grass and trimming back the jungle so the neighbors don't complain, and 3) There are spotters out there just waiting to see us bending over and admiring a flower. Know that these occurrences will be documented and there is a good chance our competency, if not sanity, will be questioned.

My job is done. I'm off to picket a rooftop garden.

The Hoping Pie

Why should only fancy-pant scientists, academics and theorists get pie charts? Big shots. Why can't ordinary people like you and I get one?

So here. Our own pie chart. It's about what ordinary people do when we do stuff. And, because everything important needs a name and "Figure 3.1(b)" didn't do it for me, it's called The Hoping Pie. It's not just about making pies but it could be. It could also be about building a tree fort, designing something cool, or putting together a video of bad impressions for YouTube. Whatever project we want to do, no matter how small or large; this is the pie chart for us.

Each portion represents a slice of what normal folks do to make things happen. The size of each can change depending on how weird your project is. While I added arrows (at extra cost) for direction, it being our pie chart, we can return to a previous slice at any time without occurring penalty minutes.

HOPING: When you hope it's like saying you're hungry. Hope says "I want pie" and takes our engines out of neutral. Our minds then secrete a special pie endorphin (I just made that up but it may be true) that says "go". We can't start without hope. It can't be added in the middle or at the end. Got hungry? Let's make a pie.

LOOKING: The great thing about waking up hope is the first thing we have to do is something that we normally do anyway – we look. In this case we focus our eyeballs and look at everything we possibly can about what we want to do. It's the cookbook of life. Hoity-toity people call it researching but really it's just looking.

SEEING: So we've been looking at all this stuff and the inside of our brain is full, but messy. Now we have to really see. Seeing is about organizing how certain things belong together (spicy, sweet, tart, yucky stuff). It makes scheming and getting it later a lot easier. Looking without seeing is like eating without tasting. What's the point?

SCHEMING: So what did all our looking and seeing get us? (No, not a slap in the face.) Put on your Dastardly Dan hat and scheme. If we're doing it right, possibilities should show up for the party: in all combinations, shapes and forms. Things that have worked before, things that are just plain silly, and things that haven't been considered yet but could work. So scheme and don't run the risk of overlooking a winning ingredient.

GETTING: It's finalist time. Everything we've done so far leads to deciding the direction to take. Taste, test and play. Our dream is defined, and redefined, tweaked and massaged. Here, we see the most likely solutions born from our looking, seeing and scheming. The winning recipe takes the spotlight. Finally, we get it. Time to do it.

DOING: Time to turn our plan into something tasty. Our mixing bowl is no longer a Cheezie dish, ingredients are measured and the oven is preheated. Skills kick in and we boldly go where no man has gone before using both old techniques and new technologies. The aroma of success is in the air. The cat becomes very friendly.

THE RESULT: Our project is complete. The votes are in. It's okay if it's not a total success. Less than perfect is actually good because it gives us a kick in the pants to do better the next time. We're back to a new start; looking harder and seeing better, interpreting our discoveries and testing our understandings. Even total success is not an end. It leads to new hopes. New wishes and finer dreams.

Make one. There is no failure in The Hoping Pie.

Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
Mark Twain

Six Steps to Successfully Getting Out Of Bed

While growing up, my mother had this quaint habit of storming into my room in the morning, whipping off the covers and throwing open the drapes, all the while gleefully exclaiming in her high pitched shrill, "Ge-e-e-e-et u-u-u-u-up!" The delightful nature of this routine would shake books off shelves, strip wallpaper and leaves me even today with fond memories reminiscent of the scratch of fingernails on a blackboard combined with the whine of a dentist drill.

Waking up is hard to do. There is, of course, a scientific explanation. Something about testing fruit flies and the “twenty-four” gene—one of the core genes of the circadian clock. It's all so... academic.

“The function of a clock is to tell your system to be prepared, that the sun is rising, and it’s time to get up,” says Ravi Allada, professor of neurobiology and physiology at Northwestern University.

“The flies without the twenty-four gene did not become much more active before dawn. The equivalent in humans would be someone who has trouble getting out of bed in the morning.”

But regardless of how difficult or easy it is for you to wake up, getting up is another matter and one full of personal perils. Fear not. You've got this old fart with decades of experience on your side. Try these handy steps:

1) Do not open eyes. No sudden moves. Put one foot on the floor. This tricks your mind into believing your body is halfway up. Never hop out with both feet at once as this will make all your blood rush to your feet, causing a massive shock to your brain and can lead to discordant maladies later in life.
2) Sit up slowly. Put other foot on the floor. Place elbows on knees and rest face in hands. This allows your equilibrium to gently orientate itself to the upright position. Rubbing eyes while still closed is optional.
3) Groan loudly, even when alone. This warms the vocal chords and aligns the molecules in the air around you. People entering your molecule field for the remainder of the day will be less inclined to give you grief.
4) Open eyes. Do not stretch. When opening eyes do not focus immediately. Focusing the eyes too soon may cause eye fatigue later in the day and stretching muscles that have been dormant for six to eight hours can cause over stimulation and may lead to unorthodox activities such as jogging and yoga. You have the rest of the day to focus and stretch out gradually.
5) Scratch something. This is important and is linked back to the beginning of civilization when we had fewer skin moisturizers and more personal itches. The act sends a message to your nerve center that it is about to be subjected to its daily job of letting you know when you hurt. Not doing so and waiting until you actually hurt to ignite your nerve center can cause a delayed reaction. And finally,
6) Transfer weight to your feet by leaning forward carefully. Use your arms to push, and shout something uplifting as you do so. Incomprehensible yelp-growls are an art form here. A Tarzan yell is good. Or something like, "Oh gawd, not another one" is effective as well. Be careful not to lean forward too much. That's how heads put holes into walls. Raise your head slowly. This will cause your back to follow and you should find yourself standing up straight. You have now successfully "gotten up". If you feel dizzy, lie back down and repeat from step number one.

By following these simple steps, staying away from cold showers and early morning exercising, you will be adding seconds, possibly minutes to your life and will ease your way into your day with grace and harmony.

Next week: How to brush your teeth and not look like you have rabies.

The Line

The grace of the single line. The power of a stroke's direction. Straight is the epitome of no-nonsense seriousness, while curved is the loveliest distance between two points. Exploring space, a line can be so unassuming. When combined with others, mysteriously representative of energy, conflict, tension and flow. 

Lines converge to define a story. Space between lines reveals shape and form. Singular lines express collectively; each and every stroke working to tell the story as perfectly as it can be told.

Every contribution adds to the logic and reason of the composition. Every gesture is crucial.

And while this particular work-in-progress isn't perfect, I'm working on it. (rand)

"Line is a rich metaphor for the artist. It denotes not only boundary, edge or contour, but is an agent for location, energy, and growth. It is literally movement and change - life itself." ~ Lance Esplund 

Life, The Interweb and The Toad

"Squat like a toad, close at the ear of Eve,
Assaying by his devilish art to reach
The organs of her fancy, and with them forge
Illusions, as he list, phantasms and dreams;
Or if, inspiring venom, he might taint
The animal spirits, that from pure blood arise
Like gentle breaths from rivers pure, thence raise
At least distempered, discontented thoughts,
Vain hopes, vain aims, inordinate desires,
Blown up with high conceits ingendering pride."
John Milton (excerpt: Paradise Lost: Book 04)

(Translation: Satan has turned himself into a toad and whispers into Eve's ear, as she sleeps, tempting her to eat the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge.)

Let me begin today with an apology for rambling a bit (and for mixing my metaphors). I've had some time lately so I've been doing a lot of looking around here in the Interweb. You might say I am an official looker. It's a difficult thing to do, because an official looker has to look at things one likes and things that one would rather not be looking at. It's amazing where some people's heads are at, or where they want you to think they are at. Far from me to judge but if I were to guess motivations I'd say some folks have Mr. Milton's toad whispering in their ear at night. Not a lot, but just a phrase or two each night, every night. Like one of those serial stories where you have to tune in everyday only to find out too late that the ending either sucks or worse, it never ends because it's limitless, like a bad soap opera. One thing exists to prompt another. So this post is dedicated to that as seen on tv site that prompted this post. Just when you think that someone couldn't know you well enough to know that you need something called "Bust UP Cups", there you go. Temptation is in the wind... (and the cheque is in the mail).

This electronic world is not only like eating the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, it's bigger than that. It's like a distorted reflection of life itself, isn't it? And just when you think you're done looking around, bang, they pu-u-u-ull you back in. It gets rather disconcerting sometimes when you sit down at your computer and three days later look up going "Gee, I'm hungry." There should be a twelve-step program. Oh wait. There is.

I don't mean to sound critical because I'm not. Denying the online experience is a good thing would be like saying life itself isn't wonderful. We live with the worthless to enjoy the worthy. Sometimes we just have to look hard to find the latter. John Milton must have known all about that. Blind since 1652, he wrote Paradise Lost by dictating it out loud, while he was often sick and after his second wife, Katherine Woodcock, passed away in 1658.

It may suspiciously sound like the next thing you're going to hear is not to complain about things like how your socks are too tight, that complaining is bad – but it's not. Actually, bitching is not only fun it's extremely necessary (plus, it's the one time in your day that you can be assured no one is listening).

Giving in to temptation often provides sufficient reason to bitch. And the Interweb has lots of temptation for everyone.

Give yourself bonus points if you blame everything on the little toad.

“For we were little Christian children and early learned the value of forbidden fruit” Mark Twain

-----------------------------------

Paradise Lost, published in 1667, is considered one of the greatest literary works in the English language. It is the Biblical story of the Fall of Man. In Book 04, Satan, having escaped from hell returns to Earth, is tormented by the beauty of Creation, and discovers Adam and Eve living in perfect harmony in Eden. Hearing them talk about the forbidden Tree of Knowledge, he turns himself into a toad and whispers temptation into the ear of Eve as she sleeps, but he is discovered by guardian angels and, threatened by Gabriel, flees from Eden.

The Low Down On Raspberry Blowing

It happens to everyone once in a while, for some more often than others. Something or someone gets you all wound up and you think nothing will ever relieve the pressure. There are no pharmaceuticals, no years of professional therapy, no distances you can run or number of jumping jacks you can hop that will effectively provide relief. Enter the ancient art of blowing a raspberry, sometimes called a strawberry or Bronx Cheer (US). This simple act, secretly passed down through the ages, is now being heralded throughout the therapeutic world as a miracle cure for brain cramps.

You can do one too! (Demonstration here.) Place your tongue between your lips and blow. Relaxing both tongue and lips so they vibrate is best. It may take some practice to perfect but what you should end up with is a sound similar to flatulence.

Wikipedia reports that blowing a raspberry comes from the Cockney rhyming slang "raspberry tart," fart. Rhyming slang was particularly used in British comedy to refer to things which would be unacceptable to a polite audience, particularly on television.

"The term "Bronx cheer" is used sarcastically because it is not a cheer; it is used to show disapproval. The term originated as a reference to the sound used by some spectators in Yankee Stadium, located in Bronx, New York City, New York."

The act of blowing the raspberry is thought (by some very smart people) to lower blood pressure, reduce stress levels, raise moods and lessen the number of facial twitches one may experience. But as healing as this act can be, it is something that one should use with a measure of self-control. There are times when one shouldn't blow a raspberry. I have assembled my top four don'ts for your consideration.

Blowing Raspberry Don'ts:
1) Close encounters. When one is a microsecond away from kissing your significant other. Big, big mistake. Not only do you end up spraying your lover from close range, but the ramifications (especially if you are in a... ahem, intimate situation) can lead to bodily harm and to denial of conjugal sharing for many days, weeks or even months.
2) Social gatherings. At a poshy wine and cheese event, when one's mouth is full of chewed up cheese mixed with wine (a fine Vacherin Fribourgeois cheese and a dry, red Cabernet sauvignon, for example). Trust me on this one. Not a pretty sight, especially when standing on a white carpet and/or shaking hands with one's host.
3) Board rooms. If you are in a meeting there are bound to be those in attendance who will not appreciate the healing nature of the act. Reactions can range from a simple snicker to outright guffaws and it's bound to be misinterpreted by the leader of the meeting as a rebut. No matter how much office cred you have, making up for a boardroom tph-h-h-h-h-h-htphffft could take some time.
4) Receiving praise. It almost goes without saying. When someone is giving you an award, telling you how much they want to spend the rest of their life with you or thanking you in some way. Letting loose with a fat, juicy one may not be recognized as the therapy it is. Try to save it for a private place after.

So, put away those pills, cancel your shrink appointments, retire that gaudy spandex outfit and put away those exercise shoes. Blowing the raspberry (with some discretion) will revolutionize your lifestyle, exercise your lower facial muscles and give you a new reason why the front of your shirt is damp. Enjoy!

How To Survive Social Media (and be a flower)

Unless you're twelve and/or don't give a sweet patootie, you're probably trying to find your way through this new social media stuff. It can be quite scary but getting involved online can be a rewarding and enriching experience. More and more relationships, contacts, business dealings and daily interactions occur online. But how do we tell if our interactions are as effective as we'd like them to be? How do we maximize our experience?

Relax, I have done a study. After vast seconds of concentrated thought I've broken down four distinct areas that will ensure your online experience will be a rewarding one. I call it "Find your social media flower":

Language. Believe it or not, a full quarter (that's roughly 25%) of online success, and 100% of online failures happen because of the written word. Brush up on your spelling and grammar (for instance, know the difference between we're, were, where and wear). And, you may swear a blue streak with your buds over pints but this type of behavior, where the impressionable amongst us can access our posts, is a definite no-no (and I'm not talking about hair removal). Keep potty talk for your significant other, best friends or unsuspecting colleagues. 

Attitude. Words can be easily misinterpreted; especially the written kind. Things we say in real life can be tempered with a sly smile but there is no such redemption online (BTW: smiley faces don't cut it). The dividing line between being seen as smart and smart alecky is a fine one. Oh, and personal animosities with politics, religion, members of the opposite sex, and/or hamsters with hockey tape fetishes are best kept offline, where people can cover their ears and sing "Lalalalala" loudly so they don't have to listen.

Appeal. Droning on about something that people lost interest in in 1965, making rude or disparaging remarks, writing off-color comments, or constantly quoting famous dead people (including but not exclusive to Mr. Rogers) out of context are major online faux pas. There may not be an ability to smell online (although I have been experimenting with "smell-o-media") but a remembered stink is often worse than the real thing. And besides, no one really wants to know how many times you puked on your shoes last night... except maybe your next date or a future employer.

Focus. Forgetting to wear pants in your daily life or acting dumb on television can be funny and entertaining. But online is a different kettle of fish. People just won't put up with someone who makes no sense, or replies constantly with responses like "LOL, awesome, that's just tooooooo funny". Doing so will undoubtedly affect your online credibility in a see-through manner (and not the good kind). All this accomplishes is to inspire thousands of people to shout "Busted!" out loud in their offices, living rooms and internet cafés around the world.

So now you know. Your online experience is what you make of it. By following the above suggestions and sending me a dollar in small bills, you too can blossom and be a social media flower. (Where's my pants?)

Your New Official Job Review Options

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players..."
William Shakespeare

So let's say one day the world went really wonky and some jerk like me got a day pass from the "home" and came around to your workplace with an official looking clipboard to ask you to rate your work performance like you would a film review. Of course, it's a given your employment history is a masterpiece. But what kind? Let's see. There are several options to pick from...

A) Suave and Debonair. Your job is a wonderful romantic mystery adventure. You accomplish your goals with charm and a glint in the eye. Plans are hatched with panache and only the best in wardrobe fashion and exotic locales will do. It's not what you say while you dine at a table next to Bond, James Bond, it's how you say it – with polish and that disarming smile. When you do find yourself in a tight spot, you're prepared and cool, with just the right gadget, slick move or surprise up your sleeve. And as your caper comes together it might not work out exactly as planned but what the hell, there's always the next one. Or the one after that. You are a cool, sexy caper.

B) Action Hero. Every day at work is a non-stop, seat-of-the-pants adventure of epic proportions, where one thing leads to another seemingly without any plan. Excitement is your middle name and you don't care about what happens along the way, because it all works out in the end. Michelle Rodriguez and Jason Statham have nothing on you. Your stylists have a heyday and out you walk from the firestorm at the end of the workday with torn t-shirt, a few well-earned scars, a messed up hairstyle that your boss would have a conniption fit over and a big, big smile. You are a heart-stopper.

C) Leave 'em Laughing. Perhaps a comedic tour de force is more your managerial style. Madcap and zany with a tinge of insanity thrown in just for fun. Your quirky is simply full of a better quality of quirk. One-liners flow like an old puppy after a eating a bag of prunes. The wardrobe department supplies pants that fall down on their own and the guy from props ensures every gizmo you pick up works a bit differently than it is supposed to. Add a bit of slapstick, a dash of Monty Python and you're such a the hit with clientele that they line up around the block to see you. For hours. With no porta-potty. Yours is a wild and funny ride.

D) Vivaciously Versatile. Maybe you're a person of many hats. Your position is a hybrid, a combination of all genres, a veritable smörgåsbord of workplace contributions. Because something's just not right when things are predictable. What was high drama one day is laughable the next. You dress according to the scenes you need to play that day and at times you'd rather blend in with the extras on the set. You're another Johnny Depp or Meryl Streep and regardless of what role you play, you do so to perfection. People never know what to expect from you next. But one thing's for sure, there's never a dull moment and a quick review of your job performance would reveal it to be totally, outrageously entertaining.

Whatever role you play at whatever work you do, and whatever genre you fit into – you're a star. Give yourself two big'uns (and a raise).

Deeper Meanings: There Should Be A Law

"Nature's first green is gold, 

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay."

Robert Frost, 1923, Yale Review (earned Frost the 1924 Pulitzer Prize for Poetry)

I admit there have been times I believed I was immortal like Highlander Connor Macleod of the Clan Macleod. Then along comes a voice from the past that irritatingly reminds me I'm part of the natural order of things, like Frost's Nothing Gold Can Stay. 

Just how it does this I'm not quite sure, as I'm not one much for analyzing. (I'm more of the superficial sort.) The analytical process itself reminds me of a story of the time a famous poet was visiting a class and the professor took one of his works and spent the better part of an hour dissecting its deeper meanings, interpretations of specific phrases relating to man's inhumanity to man and hidden messages on the value of moral turpitude (and such). At the end of his presentation, in a total sweat, the triumphant professor turns to the writer sweeps his hands out dramatically and asks, "So, what do you think of that?" Whereupon the writer says, "Geez man, I thought it was just a poem." 

But this work causes me great conflict. There's just so much in there in so few words. I find myself finding (shudder) deeper meaning. Almost effortlessly. Why did Frost insist on showing that a compressed work could weave a wealth of imagery and meaning when the majority of his contemporaries were publishing long, detailed explorations in verse? Does it have to do with his own definition of poetry as a "momentary stay against confusion?" Perhaps. But I think he did it just to bother me almost a century later.

Paradoxes (green is gold, leaf's a flower) – reality versus paradise. Gold – both a color and a instrument of wealth. Dawn – the beginning of a new day and metaphor of birth. The beauty of the moment of sunrise, the potential and transitory nature of awareness and change are all nestled in this special time. The presence of change as a constant in life and the ability to see it not as a loss but as part of the natural process. Seeing moments as special. Gifts. 

There should be a law.

Enough With The Surprises Already

Okay, put the shovel down. It's an expression. Like "Knock me down and call me Suzie." And it's used to express surprise.

The post today is dedicated to addressing this phenomena called surprise and to move that we strike the word from the English language forever. Furthermore, the act of surprising another individual should be outlawed under penalty of a life sentence with constant noogies while under physical restraint. You can tell I'm serious about this.

Surprises are stupid. It's sneaking up behind someone and making them shriek. It's secretly putting cayenne powder in a person's coffee. It's mixing real chicken in amongst the meatless chicken (that wasn't me, Pat). Or it's some jerk telling a false story to someone, getting them worked up, almost to the point of apoplexy, and then exclaiming, "Surprise! It was a joke and I got you! Haha! Don't you look stoopid!"

You've heard the expression, "Oh forgive Mildred, she's had quite the nasty surprise." That was first said after the first surprise was pulled back in 331 A.D. Poor Mildred. She was never quite the same after.

Striking the word from the language would also help reduce sensationalism in the media. Gone would be the surprising news that researchers have discovered that snacking on peanut butter five days a week can nearly halve the risk of a heart attack. That's not surprising, for a guy like me who grew up on the stuff, it's simply reassuring. Eradicated forever would be hype announcing the surprising results of a study that reveals the manufacturing a single pair of leather shoes uses a gazillion gallons of water. Ho hum. Nixed would be announcements of surprising research findings that lemmings are not really suicidal and don't jump off cliffs together. Unless you happen to be a lemming, that's just board game trivia. Come on, whatever these reports are they're definitely not surprising. 

Unleash your Inner Bag Lady! Write your editors and representatives. Demand that we remove surprise from our lives forever! 

“The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself." ~ Voltaire