Thursday, June 19, 2014

Putting It In A Cone Doesn't Make It Ice Cream

Officials are warning there are people out there that are putting things in cones and trying to convince the general public that they are new flavors of ice cream. Beware. They are not ice cream at all. It's a scheme. The nefarious Fake Ice Cream Scheme.

These fraudsters use friendly rhyming names to try to lure customers in. They may look like the real thing, but don't let appearances fool you. Authorities warn these products may include improper ingredients that no reputable ice cream manufacturer would consider using.

People who have been taken in by this scheme report the fake ice cream does not even taste particularly good and, depending on the flavor, are not easily digested. Even sprinkles or chocolate syrup will not help. You can easily identify the imposters because they do not melt once taken out the freezer (and by their general lack of stickiness).

These impersonators are nothing but cheap knock offs manufactured using preteens in Third World sweat shops. The shops use a glut of new child laborers created following a huge power blackout ten years ago that produced a large number of births nine months later.

One of the flavors even has a chip imbedded in the wrapper that will sing the Cheers theme song to you when opened. This is merely a clever attempt to try to divert your attention away from its lack of ice cream-ness.

Should you come across one of these, you are advised to report them to the nearest Cone Impersonation Agency (CIA) office.


  1. Oh thanks -- now I'm obsessing about wanting ice cream. The real stuff with fruit or maybe chocolate on it :)

    1. Peanut butter and chocolate was my fav...