2) I suspect all the ceiling lights in my house have been drugged because they always appear so high
3) Close inspection of the sock drawer has several odd socks mysteriously missing (never disappearing in pairs). Their mates are the main suspects of course
4) When I am asleep, unsubs sneak into my house; sprinkle dust everywhere and drain my batteries
5) Snowflakes (read: illegal aliens) drop from international airspace into the backyard and settle wherever they want without filing the proper paperwork
6) Trace evidence shows someone has broken into my car and left dead leaves on the floor of my trunk (I suspect a ecological, global warming cult)
7) I have found dubious fingerprints left directly on the very end of all my fingers and have sent them to the lab for identification but the perp evidently doesn't have a record
9) Numerous pictures around the house have been framed for things they didn't do and then hanged mercilessly
10) My burglar alarm goes off whenever someone calls me on my phone and all the lady at the alarm company will tell me is to change my ringtone – I smell a coverup
12) I am investigating the possibility that the covert disappearance of a full roll of my luxury two-ply toilet paper hinges on a visit by three of my female relatives last month. The visit lasted two hours. It may turn into a cold case though. Evidence may have been flushed.
We must all remain vigilant in this dangerous, crime-ridden time.