Thursday, January 16, 2014

Doing The CSI Thing All Over The Place

I've been investigating crime scenes all around me lately. As a expert equipped with an official, patented, clue-finding penlight, it didn't take long to begin finding suspicious evidence. Things only a highly trained super sleuth's eagle eye would uncover (don't try this at home):

1) Suspicious looking cleaning products are lurking in the kitchen cupboard, some with the skull and crossbones insignia of a well known street gang
2) I suspect all the ceiling lights in my house have been drugged because they always appear so high
3) Close inspection of the sock drawer has several odd socks mysteriously missing (never disappearing in pairs). Their mates are the main suspects of course
4) When I am asleep, unsubs sneak into my house; sprinkle dust everywhere and drain my batteries
5) Snowflakes (read: illegal aliens) drop from international airspace into the backyard and settle wherever they want without filing the proper paperwork
6) Trace evidence shows someone has broken into my car and left dead leaves on the floor of my trunk (I suspect a ecological, global warming cult)
7) I have found dubious fingerprints left directly on the very end of all my fingers and have sent them to the lab for identification but the perp evidently doesn't have a record
8) Brazen assassins have been posting the day they will kill my cream cheese right on the bottom of the container – daring me to stop them
9) Numerous pictures around the house have been framed for things they didn't do and then hanged mercilessly
10) My burglar alarm goes off whenever someone calls me on my phone and all the lady at the alarm company will tell me is to change my ringtone – I smell a coverup
11) I'm fairly certain that my dog Roscoe is casing the joint for a future heist (he's always looking around) and imagine it involves a payoff of a lifetime supply of crunchy treats and milkbones, and
12) I am investigating the possibility that the covert disappearance of a full roll of my luxury two-ply toilet paper hinges on a visit by three of my female relatives last month. The visit lasted two hours. It may turn into a cold case though. Evidence may have been flushed.

We must all remain vigilant in this dangerous, crime-ridden time.


  1. How have I let time go by without laughing with you in your recent posts?! I blame certain people whom I can identify without a penlight, but blaming them doesn't change the truth that life is much better laughing than bitching about those people. I gotta stay focused on what really matters. Keep writing, keep laughing Rand!