Thursday, December 5, 2013

Orifices And The Dangers Of Wrong Placement

Warning: this post is in danger of possibly going south rapidly. It's about putting things into things. (You see the need for the warning.) People are always putting things where they don't belong. Feet in mouths, forks in microwaves, monkeys in parkas in Ikea stores. It's a big problem. And it seems like with all this interwebbing going on people are also putting their noses in when really, they might be better off using that time for something higher education related. At one time in my life or another I have been guilty of all of the above (with the exception of the monkey thing). The foot in mouth thing has been a well known practice of mine.

Fingers appear to be a big part of the problem. They're continuously being stuck in noses, pies and eyes. But I want to concentrate not on fingers but on orifices; mainly because they're so cool (for those orifice challenged, it means opening). They're so cool because we all need an orifice to put something into something else which is an important thing not only theoretically but practically. We need to put things into other things like plugs into sockets, movies into players, food into mouths, trains into tunnels... and in some cases we need to let things out to lessen pressure, evacuate unwanted contents (and I'll stop there). The act of putting in is important but potentially dangerous when the object in question is not meant to be there in the first place; in other words if they cause pain, interrupt the natural order of things, or are actions that require surgical intervention to get back out things that weren't meant to be put in (according to the natural order of things). Hospital emergency department and mother in law stories abound.

We couldn't live without body orifices. These openings provide opportunities for feeding, hearing, breathing and other pleasurable experiences. But fools will be fools and therefore someone really should invent an early warning "Wrong Orifice" alarm app. Someone smarter than I should take advantage of the idea. I'll take a cut.

Then again, if that app had been around in the fifties, songs like "Beans in my ears" would have never been written. A definite loss for mankind.


  1. Yes, there is a reason they don't use pea-gravel in playgrounds anymore.

    1. Ah, that's why. I was wondering where it went.

  2. If people lost their noses by sticking them in places they don't belong, there'd be a lot of people without noses. I like the nostalgia of your last post about winter and snow. -- but now I'm back to whining about snow and cold :)