Wednesday, April 4, 2012

In Praise Of Total Lunacy Voodoo

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of the crazy samurai hidden within us all. Warrior of the almighty food fight. Defender of the right to belt out the blues. Champion of the almighty grunt. Let us bow our heads and repeat after me: Little shiny objects. Little shiny objects. Amen. 

Coping with the especially deranged freaky people sometimes calls for guerrilla tactics. Because these especially deranged freaky people seem to be immune to logic and reason. Controlling them, like zombies I suppose, calls for the very thing they hate the most. Total lunacy. Anything especially deranged freaky people can't figure out turns the contents of their innards into chocolate pudding. And not the good kind.

To save the human race from collateral damage, most who employ the ancient art of total lunacy only allow their lunacy to appear subliminally, like a silent Ninja assassin, just close to the surface enough to pinch heads between thumb and forefinger from a distance. Or, if you're paying attention, you may find they will leer at especially deranged freaky people when they're not looking while allowing a bit of drool to drip from the mouth. Very effective. Like voodoo. Occasionally though, in extreme situations, you'll find very overt action techniques employed. One is whipping out a large polish sausage, whirling it over the head of the especially deranged freaky people three times, then slamming it on the table in front of them while shouting "Boogey, boogey, boogey!" We call this technique Instant Chocolate Pudding. Do not be afraid unless you think you may be the intended recipient of this curse.

"How much for the women? We want to buy the women." John Belushi. RIP. (30 years ago last month.)

4 comments:

  1. I wonder where you got the inspiration for this piece, Rand.

    The polish sausage curse is effective, but only if delivered with extreme verve! Otherwise there will be no Instant Chocolate Pudding. There will only be praying:

    Little shiny objects. Little shiny objects. Amen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Don't worry Lynn Marie, you're in my inner circle of protected deities. I am here to defend you! (Can I borrow your sausage?)

      Delete
  2. One of my sisters went on a kick where she kept dying food green. At some point I didn't see any solution to the problem except for dumping a large bowl of green mashed potatoes over her head. Does that count as total lunacy? I thought so at the time. She was much bigger than me :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. According to Section 5, subsection III, paragraph 7 of the Total Lunacy Manifesto, "the dumping of mashed potatoes over someone's head qualifies under the general food fight category."

      Delete