Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Enough With The Surprises Already


Okay, put the shovel down. It's an expression. Like "Knock me down and call me Suzie." And it's used to express surprise.

The post today is dedicated to addressing this phenomena called surprise and to move that we strike the word from the English language forever. Furthermore, the act of surprising another individual should be outlawed under penalty of a life sentence with constant noogies while under physical restraint. You can tell I'm serious about this.

Surprises are stupid. It's sneaking up behind someone and making them shriek. It's secretly putting cayenne powder in a person's coffee. It's mixing real chicken in amongst the meatless chicken (that wasn't me, Pat). Or it's some jerk telling a false story to someone, getting them worked up, almost to the point of apoplexy, and then exclaiming, "Surprise! It was a joke and I got you! Haha! Don't you look stoopid!"

You've heard the expression, "Oh forgive Mildred, she's had quite the nasty surprise." That was first said after the first surprise was pulled back in 331 A.D. Poor Mildred. She was never quite the same after.

Striking the word from the language would also help reduce sensationalism in the media. Gone would be the surprising news that researchers have discovered that snacking on peanut butter five days a week can nearly halve the risk of a heart attack. That's not surprising, for a guy like me who grew up on the stuff, it's simply reassuring. Eradicated forever would be hype announcing the surprising results of a study that reveals the manufacturing a single pair of leather shoes uses a gazillion gallons of water. Ho hum. Nixed would be announcements of surprising research findings that lemmings are not really suicidal and don't jump off cliffs together. Unless you happen to be a lemming, that's just board game trivia. Come on, whatever these reports are they're definitely not surprising. 

Unleash your Inner Bag Lady! Write your editors and representatives. Demand that we remove surprise from our lives forever! 

The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself." ~ Voltaire

7 comments:

  1. I'm kind of surprised you'd get so worked up over a word.

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  2. Rand, my old bud, frankly I need a good surprise once in a while just to unclog my arteries, loosen up what muscle I have left and adjust my level of awareness upwards from my normal comma like condition. Now this is true. I was stopped at a red light on a NYC street waiting to move on. The Peach was sitting next to me complaining about the cigar hanging from my lips. I hadn't lit it yet and wasn't going to. I was planning to enjoy it somewhere down the road when I found an opportunity to ditch the Peach for a while. A street window washer ambled up to the car from somewhere out of my view and at the top of his voice yelled, "hey man, what's your deal!" I spit that very expensive cigar out of the window and croaked back at him..."whaferdawincgahhhh"!He dropped his bottle of windex and raced after that cigar. (It was gaining altitude and speed.) What did this accomplish? I don't know for sure but I didn't need my glasses for a couple of hours and I smoked one less cigar. It also made Dear Peach annoying cheery. An occasional jolt is good!

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    1. My heart goes out to you and your dear departed cigar, Mike.

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  3. My experience is that surprises are never good. I'd like to punish the surprisers with surprises. I used to work at a place where you couldn't sit down without checking the seat first or drinking something without checking for unwanted additions. They thought they were so funny. Grrrr...

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    1. Like tacks on seats are supposed to be funny...

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