Sunday, January 29, 2012

Life In The Fast Lane

Doing dishes in bathrobe, looking out window
In my spare time (when I can get away from waiting for the paparazzi, mocking up schedules for the hectic pace of public appearances that I'll need when I become rich and famous) I like to do the things that normal people do. I like to hang around the house in my bathrobe, do dishes and look out windows. For evidence, I offer this non-posed, candid pic entitled "Doing dishes in bathrobe, looking out window". When I'm not doing that sometimes I take out the garbage, write naughty limericks, make sure all the clocks in my house are set to the same time and do laundry (not at the same time, I like to pace myself). It's difficult to lead such an exciting life. Every second is a wonder.

Every second, indeed. As serene your life may seem on the surface, there's a lot going on. On average 100,000 different chemical reactions are occurring in your brain every second, and 400,000 radioactive atoms are disintegrating into other atoms in your body. In that same second your body will lose about 3 million red blood cells, and your bone marrow will produce the same number of new ones.

As you can tell, I've done some research. The interweb is a wonderful place. Taken at face value, according to various unnamed and unconfirmed sources, it's estimated that every second 750,000 gallons of water flow over Niagara Falls, 602 Lego pieces are produced, 115 cell phones are shipped for sale and lightning strikes the earth 60 times. Bet you couldn't have lived without knowing that. But wait, there's more!

The sun is flinging a million tons of matter out into space every second. Four babies are born, 200 celestial stars are born, more than 2.8 million emails, 200,000 text messages, 3,282 tweets and 7.9 new Facebook users are born, and 28,258 people are viewing pornography on the internet every second. And it's reported that David Beckam makes $1.05 while Stephen Spielberg makes $3.49. One hour of video is uploaded to YouTube every second. Every summer Americans consume 818 hot dogs and 350 slices of pizza per second. It is indeed a busy world. 

I don't know if all the above statistics are real, timely or accurate. I assume they were posted because there is a possibility of accuracy. There were more but I decided to leave out the grizzly, downer ones about world poverty, infant mortality and stats that list dietary dangers for commercial gain. Still – as much as I tried, there were some stats that I couldn't find that I would have liked to. So I decided to make up a few to fill in...

Every second:
1) 12,056 people fall in love, (with each other, as opposed to inanimate objects, movie and rock stars)
2) 321 folks recognize chocolate as a food group
3) 3.2 political leaders shake their heads and begin to serve their constituents Baskin and Robbins. As a result "brain freeze" becomes popular again
4) 6 former do-gooders get civic awards by allowing other individuals the dignity to make their own decisions about their lives. As a result the sales of those sucky thank you cards goes through the roof
5) 1.5 substance abusers switch out recreational drugs for those tiny carrots and are allowed to grow their own
6) 3.75 households realize they don't need those new, improved plastic household gadgets sold on television, resulting in .003 percent reduction of China's GNP
7) 5.6 people choose to facilitate resolutions to issues rather than exasperate them for their own gain. Self-styled gurus/consultants find their future prospects bleak
8) 7 self-centered people take the "pass it on" pledge and as a result reality television dies
9) 3 people trade real guns for the nerf variety, causing future deaths during wartime to be punctuated by cries of "Got ya!" and "Did not!" and
10) 261 people recognize Barney Rubble as the greatest actor of all time.

I know, I know. Pie in the sky. All we can do is wait and hope, (although I'm not sure how long Barney is going to put up without that lifetime Academy Award) in the meantime I'll be doing dishes in my bathrobe, looking out the window. Until the rich and famous thing kicks in, of course.


  1. And maybe more people will make dreams come true. (Another great post!)

  2. I think wars with Nerf guns would be a lot more fun to watch than our current methods. I did the stare out the kitchen window thing already today, and was thinking about doing a load of laundry, but I think your advice to pace myself is far better. Thanks!

  3. You two are obviously already enlightened and ready for the rich and famous thing to kick in. Thanks for the comments!