Someone's Been Watering Down My Water

I can't prove it but I know. Someone's been diluting my reverse osmosis, remineralized, highly scientifically generated designer water with (shudder) tap water. I can tell.

And it's not the manufacturer. They have strict internal regulations and things like unions. No, it's got to be something that happens en route to the retailers. In some dingy warehouse off the highway by teams of unshaven men in sweaty undershirts, suspenders and big bellies. Fedoras covering balding heads, mouths chewing on cigar stubs. Turning whole crates of bottles upside down and inserting needles into the bottoms to switch the good stuff – not all of it, maybe half of it. Then a quick dab of crazy glue and back on the highway to unsuspecting customers.

Not only that, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the same group is putting dirt into my soil. Last spring I bought six bags of customized garden soil at the garden soil place and I swear they all held a good percentage of common backyard dirt...

...sprouting ordinary weeds. At first I thought I purchased a "bush in a bag" and didn't know it. Maybe it got mislabeled at the soil factory. Maybe I got a deal and should have paid more. But I don't think so. It was then that I first started suspecting.

It's probably a huge underworld thing. Unlike flagrant knock-off imitations it's practically undetectable.

It's like taking a box of specially formulated, premium, energy-saving, cold water clothes detergent and replacing half of it with budget hot water detergent from third world sweatshops. Who's going to know?

I was thinking of calling Interpol's organized crime unit but I'm sure they've already got an active file. After all, if I can figure it out...