I confess. I have had many tender, loving moments with vending machines in waiting rooms, college campuses, airports, bus stations, food courts, hallways, stadiums, subways and malls. When all was shut tight these monoliths of light – these providers of lifesaving sustenance were there for me. I cannot count how many times they have given me solace when no other would. Just thinking about our times together brings a tear to my weary eye.
All this time I didn't realize they were ill.
Sadly, modern science has identified a fatal condition. These purveyors of crunchy treats and refreshing libations are carrying a hereditary genetic condition called a "Parasitic Load" (pictured above). It's an invisible, dastardly creature which has been passed on unknowingly from generation to generation – one who just loves to insatiably suck power when it is not necessary.
Luckily there is a cure! Vending machines who used to be enslaved and forced to run 24/7 in order to feed this parasite are now being vaccinated with small computer chips programmed to mercifully shut them down when their services are not needed (with timers to revive them when they are). The results from clinical studies are amazing, according to reports in leading medical journals. They not only cure energy loss but save folks tens of thousands a year in associated costs.
Thank heaven for modern medicine!